As they crop up fairly regularly in discussions everyone must know some great musician jokes so let's dedicate a whole discussion to them. I need some more for sessions having used up all my ones at Sidmouth Festival!
Here's my favourite of the moment:
Why are Uillean Pipes the only instrument that would pass a vehicle inspectorate? They have an air bag and seat belt!
And: How do you pitch a melodeon? As far into the sea as possible!
the bassman of the band is frustrated. Every night the same story: first comes the guitar solo causing frenetic applause; next comes the drum solo followed by standing ovations; now it is his turn but after he has played a great bass solo there is no audience reaction at all - the music just goes on. At the end of the tour the bassman decides to quit the band and have some extended globetrotting to recover. Somewhere in the middle of Africa he finds himself at a great local party where after some traditional folk singing the drummers take over and grow many and wild. he watches for hours and has a couple of beers - finally he asks his host: "when do they stop drumming?" - "they will not stop before the party is over and the sun rises in the east" was the answer. the bassman was curious and asked "is that by some religious reasons?" "Oh no, it is just because they know after the drum solo follows the bass solo."
First, please understand that I played bluegrass banjo for 15 years, so I have some (misplaced affinity for the instrument.... Truly though, our instruments are our best friends, eh? So:
It was a terrible thing that happened to a friend of mine. He made a quick stop at the liqour store before a house session, and carelessly left his banjo in the back of his pick-up truck.
Yep, that's right, someone piled three more banjos into the truck....
why are uilleann pipes the only instrument officially declared "safe" by the national transportation and safety board?
because they have a seat belt and an air bag
Ha Ha
Mark's post about going regimental made me remember this joke:
A young, slightly delinquent Englishman runs away from home after many an argument with his father on the subject of his growing up into a proper man. He ends up in the Black Watch. A couple of years later, he reconciles with his family, and they get together for the first time since he ran away. Hoping to impress and show his father that he has indeed grown up to be a proper man's man, he shows up in uniform. They sit rather stiffly if happily in the front room, and after a bit his joyous sniffling mum gets up to make tea.
After she leaves the room, his father leans forward to hiss at him, "Son, there's something I have to tell you."
"What's that, Dad?" says the son, leaning forward.
"Son, if you're going to learn to be a man," says the father urgently, "you're going to have to learn to sit like a lady!"
Young Donald is in a pipe band, which he loves, but he's a bit of a prude, and has never quite felt comfortable going regimental. Trouble is, he can't find any underwear of any sort that's comfortable to wear while marching. He tries all different sorts of things out, in vain, until everyone he knows has bought him at least one pair of underwear to try.
One day, his mother surprises him by making him a pair of boxers out of the softest and lightest flannel that she could find, and Donald tries them on and finds that they're perfect. "Mum!" he cries, "you're a genius! They're perfect! Whatever will I do when they wear out!"
His mum laughs. "Donald, I bought the entire bolt of fabric! I can make you another pair whenever you like!"
Donald is so excited by the gift that he rushes about the house showing the boxers to everyone in his family (but he takes them off to show them to his sisters so he doesn't have to flip up his kilt -- I said he was a bit of a prude, right?) Suddenly, he conceives the idea that he should show the new boxers to his girlfriend, who has helped him in his search for the perfect underwear. So Donald rings her up, telling her he's got a surprise, and they meet on the bus to go out.
Donald says, "Look, guess what I've got under my kilt!"
His girl blushes, and says, "Oh Donald, whatever do you mean?"
Donald looks about the bus and lifts the edge of his kilt to show her the new boxers. "D'you see 'em?" he asks excitedly. Trouble is, Donald doesn't realize that he forgot to put the boxers back on after showing them to his sisters.
"Why, no, Donald," says his girl, "I don't see anything."
"Well, here," he says, lifting the kilt higher, "d'you see 'em *now*?"
"Noooo, Donald," says his girl, blushing even fiercer, "I still don't see anything."
"Well, look!" cries Donald, flipping up the kilt. "D'you see 'em NOW?!"
"Oh, why, yes, Donald," says his girl, turning as red as can be, "yes, yes, I do see 'em!"
Cries the beaming Donald, "And I've got yards and yards more at home!"
I once knew a fiddle player whose fingers were like lightning--they never struck the same place twice.
Word at the session is that the best tipper for a bodhran is a pen-knife.
Q: What's the difference between an accordion in the middle of the road and a rattlesnake in the middle of the road?
A: There are skidmarks swerving around the snake.
Many apologies to Maynard Johnson of Kitchen Musician. These "dulcimer" facts are just too good not to share.
Dulcimers progressively gain weight after heavy playing due to the accumulation of musical notes inside the dulcimer. You have no doubt noticed this after carrying your dulcimer around to festival jam sessions and playing for hours on end. After 6 - 8 hours of rest, the notes trapped inside the instrument will evaporate through the sound holes and the weight will return to normal.
A 15/14 Hammer Dulcimer can slice 20% more cheese per hour than a 12/11.
Mild mannered but guilty Clark Kent
His dulcimer hammers still bent
Was arrested while jamming
For quadruple flamming
And assaulting a blunt instrument
John Klehr
Jazzing up an O'Carolin planxty
A dulcimest thought himself fancy
It sound good far away
But I wish he would play
On the banks of a river called Yangtze
Shel Michaels
The hackbrette of one Viennese
Had a tiny sweet sound sure to please
It smelled rank in abuse
From its secondary use
Slicing hard boiled eggs and soft cheese
Guy Banks
Jim
Not a musician joke, but what the hell, there's been so much talk of Guinness recently. Have I told this joke here before? Can't remember.
Three men walk into bar, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman. All three men ask for a pint of Guinness. The bartender pours all three pints and puts 'em up on the bar. As the men reach for their pints, three flies happen to fly into the Guinness, one for each pint, and begin to drown themselves.
The Englishman makes a face at the fly in his glass and pushes the pint back to the bartender. "Bartender, please pour me another," he says.
The Scotsman looks at the Englishman impassively, pointedly fishes the fly out of his pint, tosses the insect away over his shoulder, and takes a sip of his pint.
The Irishman, paying no attention whatsoever to the other two, reaches into his Guinness, grabs his happily expiring fly by the wings and fiercely shaking it over the pint, yells, "Spit it oot, ye bahstid, spit it oot!"
Oh Dear Karate wocky - that is rich coming from someone like you who offends with every post you ever put up. Your right - some people just never get it do they!
Musician Jokes
Musician Jokes
As they crop up fairly regularly in discussions everyone must know some great musician jokes so let's dedicate a whole discussion to them. I need some more for sessions having used up all my ones at Sidmouth Festival!
Here's my favourite of the moment:
Why are Uillean Pipes the only instrument that would pass a vehicle inspectorate? They have an air bag and seat belt!
And: How do you pitch a melodeon? As far into the sea as possible!
# Posted on September 9th 2002 by Nutty Nessie
Re: Musician Jokes
Why was the banjo player staring intently at the carton of orange juice?
Because it said 'Concentrate'....
# Posted on September 9th 2002 by Ottery
Re: Musician Jokes
Whats the definition of an optimist?
A bodhran player with an answering machine.......
# Posted on September 9th 2002 by macfion
Re: Musician Jokes
What do Beethoven and Schubert have in common?
The both don't play the banjo
# Posted on September 9th 2002 by ...
Re: Musician Jokes
If an accordion, a banjo and a set of bagpipes fall off the top of a tall building, which one will smash into the ground first?
Who cares?
# Posted on September 9th 2002 by lukegarry
Re: Musician Jokes
What do you say to a banjo player wearing a 3 piece suit?
May the defendent please rise....
What's one question you'll never hear a banjo player ask?
Would you like to see my new BMW?
I really do like the banjo but it provides so many jokes.
# Posted on September 9th 2002 by JMH
Re: Musician Jokes
the bassman of the band is frustrated. Every night the same story: first comes the guitar solo causing frenetic applause; next comes the drum solo followed by standing ovations; now it is his turn but after he has played a great bass solo there is no audience reaction at all - the music just goes on. At the end of the tour the bassman decides to quit the band and have some extended globetrotting to recover. Somewhere in the middle of Africa he finds himself at a great local party where after some traditional folk singing the drummers take over and grow many and wild. he watches for hours and has a couple of beers - finally he asks his host: "when do they stop drumming?" - "they will not stop before the party is over and the sun rises in the east" was the answer. the bassman was curious and asked "is that by some religious reasons?" "Oh no, it is just because they know after the drum solo follows the bass solo."
# Posted on September 10th 2002 by crannog
Re: Musician Jokes
First, please understand that I played bluegrass banjo for 15 years, so I have some (misplaced
affinity for the instrument.... Truly though, our instruments are our best friends, eh? So:
It was a terrible thing that happened to a friend of mine. He made a quick stop at the liqour store before a house session, and carelessly left his banjo in the back of his pick-up truck.
Yep, that's right, someone piled three more banjos into the truck....
# Posted on September 10th 2002 by Will Harmon
Re: Musician Jokes
Q: What's happening when you see ten *the players, minority group, or other people you want to make fun of* pushing a house down the street?
A: They're trying to jumpstart the furnace.
# Posted on September 10th 2002 by Zina Lee
Re: Musician Jokes
yeah Zina, what if you see Will pushing three banjos down the street???
# Posted on September 10th 2002 by crannog
Re: Musician Jokes
Then you know he's cleaning house!
# Posted on September 10th 2002 by Zina Lee
Re: Musician Jokes
Q: What's the difference between a musician and a pizza?
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.
# Posted on September 10th 2002 by Zhenya
Re: Musician Jokes
...and looking for a pick-up truck.
(Or a juggling gig.)
# Posted on September 10th 2002 by Will Harmon
Re: Musician Jokes
There's a good name for a band -- Juggling Banjos.
# Posted on September 10th 2002 by Zina Lee
Re: Musician Jokes
why are uilleann pipes the only instrument officially declared "safe" by the national transportation and safety board?
because they have a seat belt and an air bag
Ha Ha
# Posted on September 10th 2002 by no longer exists
Ha Ha oops, I forgot to read the first post. but i like that joke anyways
# Posted on September 10th 2002 by no longer exists
Re: Musician Jokes
How do you tell that a bodhran player is at the door? The knock gets faster and faster, and then
he doesn't know when to come in!
How do you define perfect pitch? You throw the accordion in the dumpster and it bounces
off the pipe bag and lands on the banjo!
What are bagpipes good for? Kindling for an accordion fire!
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.
( I love all these instruments, but I also love the mean jokes!)
# Posted on September 11th 2002 by dirk
Re: Musician Jokes
Mark's post about going regimental made me remember this joke:
A young, slightly delinquent Englishman runs away from home after many an argument with his father on the subject of his growing up into a proper man. He ends up in the Black Watch. A couple of years later, he reconciles with his family, and they get together for the first time since he ran away. Hoping to impress and show his father that he has indeed grown up to be a proper man's man, he shows up in uniform. They sit rather stiffly if happily in the front room, and after a bit his joyous sniffling mum gets up to make tea.
After she leaves the room, his father leans forward to hiss at him, "Son, there's something I have to tell you."
"What's that, Dad?" says the son, leaning forward.
"Son, if you're going to learn to be a man," says the father urgently, "you're going to have to learn to sit like a lady!"
# Posted on September 16th 2002 by Zina Lee
Yards and yards more
Young Donald is in a pipe band, which he loves, but he's a bit of a prude, and has never quite felt comfortable going regimental. Trouble is, he can't find any underwear of any sort that's comfortable to wear while marching. He tries all different sorts of things out, in vain, until everyone he knows has bought him at least one pair of underwear to try.
One day, his mother surprises him by making him a pair of boxers out of the softest and lightest flannel that she could find, and Donald tries them on and finds that they're perfect. "Mum!" he cries, "you're a genius! They're perfect! Whatever will I do when they wear out!"
His mum laughs. "Donald, I bought the entire bolt of fabric! I can make you another pair whenever you like!"
Donald is so excited by the gift that he rushes about the house showing the boxers to everyone in his family (but he takes them off to show them to his sisters so he doesn't have to flip up his kilt -- I said he was a bit of a prude, right?) Suddenly, he conceives the idea that he should show the new boxers to his girlfriend, who has helped him in his search for the perfect underwear. So Donald rings her up, telling her he's got a surprise, and they meet on the bus to go out.
Donald says, "Look, guess what I've got under my kilt!"
His girl blushes, and says, "Oh Donald, whatever do you mean?"
Donald looks about the bus and lifts the edge of his kilt to show her the new boxers. "D'you see 'em?" he asks excitedly. Trouble is, Donald doesn't realize that he forgot to put the boxers back on after showing them to his sisters.
"Why, no, Donald," says his girl, "I don't see anything."
"Well, here," he says, lifting the kilt higher, "d'you see 'em *now*?"
"Noooo, Donald," says his girl, blushing even fiercer, "I still don't see anything."
"Well, look!" cries Donald, flipping up the kilt. "D'you see 'em NOW?!"
"Oh, why, yes, Donald," says his girl, turning as red as can be, "yes, yes, I do see 'em!"
Cries the beaming Donald, "And I've got yards and yards more at home!"
# Posted on September 16th 2002 by Zina Lee
Re: Musician Jokes
difference between a drummer and a metronome?
(in standard altiktudes) a metronome keeps the beat and it usually (depends on altitude?) won
# Posted on September 17th 2002 by crannog
Re: Musician Jokes
I once knew a fiddle player whose fingers were like lightning--they never struck the same place twice.
Word at the session is that the best tipper for a bodhran is a pen-knife.
Q: What's the difference between an accordion in the middle of the road and a rattlesnake in the middle of the road?
A: There are skidmarks swerving around the snake.
# Posted on September 18th 2002 by whistlemanhimself
Re: Musician Jokes
Many apologies to Maynard Johnson of Kitchen Musician. These "dulcimer" facts are just too good not to share.
Dulcimers progressively gain weight after heavy playing due to the accumulation of musical notes inside the dulcimer. You have no doubt noticed this after carrying your dulcimer around to festival jam sessions and playing for hours on end. After 6 - 8 hours of rest, the notes trapped inside the instrument will evaporate through the sound holes and the weight will return to normal.
A 15/14 Hammer Dulcimer can slice 20% more cheese per hour than a 12/11.
Mild mannered but guilty Clark Kent
His dulcimer hammers still bent
Was arrested while jamming
For quadruple flamming
And assaulting a blunt instrument
John Klehr
Jazzing up an O'Carolin planxty
A dulcimest thought himself fancy
It sound good far away
But I wish he would play
On the banks of a river called Yangtze
Shel Michaels
The hackbrette of one Viennese
Had a tiny sweet sound sure to please
It smelled rank in abuse
From its secondary use
Slicing hard boiled eggs and soft cheese
Guy Banks
Jim
# Posted on September 22nd 2002 by jrathbun
Re: Musician Jokes
Not a musician joke, but what the hell, there's been so much talk of Guinness recently. Have I told this joke here before? Can't remember.
Three men walk into bar, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman. All three men ask for a pint of Guinness. The bartender pours all three pints and puts 'em up on the bar. As the men reach for their pints, three flies happen to fly into the Guinness, one for each pint, and begin to drown themselves.
The Englishman makes a face at the fly in his glass and pushes the pint back to the bartender. "Bartender, please pour me another," he says.
The Scotsman looks at the Englishman impassively, pointedly fishes the fly out of his pint, tosses the insect away over his shoulder, and takes a sip of his pint.
The Irishman, paying no attention whatsoever to the other two, reaches into his Guinness, grabs his happily expiring fly by the wings and fiercely shaking it over the pint, yells, "Spit it oot, ye bahstid, spit it oot!"
# Posted on October 2nd 2002 by Zina Lee
Re: Musician Jokes
that sounds like it should be the scotsman yelling at the fly,or maybe the irishman came from cavan......
# Posted on October 2nd 2002 by biggus dave
Re: Musician Jokes
NEWS FLASH: How to make a million $, playing fiddle...
Start with two million!
# Posted on October 2nd 2002 by scottythefiddler
Re: Musician Jokes
Oh Dear Karate wocky - that is rich coming from someone like you who offends with every post you ever put up. Your right - some people just never get it do they!
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by bb