Add this to the list of ridiculously irrelevant threads. But after drinking too much alcohol this evening, we began to debate the relative merits of musical instruments as weapons.
So if your session gets attacked by angry punters, which musical instrument do you wish you were wielding?
(I held out in favor of the cannons of the 1812 Overture but was immediately disqualified as a cheat, cad and bounder).
That's where good ole Dixon flutes come in handy. M&Es are also a convenient weapon, deadly in the hands of a professional flutist.
Guitar is in general not bad, if somewhat fragile (depends on the brand - American and Canadian are, in my opinion, much less resistant than Bulgarian and Russian), however, it isn't too useful in close quarter combat. With that in mind, all stringed instruments are equipped with strings, which - at least according to flight security officers - are at least weapons of mass destruction.
I wouldn't mind a hammered dulcimer, if only it was played with sledgehammers.
Piano, with all its advantages and potentials, has a serious drawback related to weight.
I agree with Silver Spear. Low whistle is most powerful instrument. It's also possibility for fight between musicians, but I think that nobody have any chance against low whistler. Flute is also good, but I think it's too expensive to use it for fight. That's why there's always one low whistle with me...
Large and ugly banjo, contains a fair amount of heavy iron, wood and strings. Best used when encircled by enemy, hold it with both hands and do a dervish dance smashing heads around you. If you really want to use its full potential you can even play a tune on it, but you could get convicted for genocide
The harp is great for slicing people thinly - stick it over someone's head and you could get at least 36 slices out of mine (wire-strung ones could be better at this!!).
A banjo with a bell brass tone ring is by far the heaviest weopon and if ye caught that round the side of someones head I'm sure they would be seeing stars, failing that you could always use ancient chinese torture methods by pinninig your enemy down and getting 2 fiddlers to play the masons apron in each ear out of sync I'm sure by the time they reached the 3rd part he would tell you anything you needed to know
Take your Clarke's whistle, stamp on the end to flatten it and you've got a pretty sharp pointy object.
I always find this amusing when the security people wave me through onto the plane with my whistle in my rucksack....
Our session has a complete armory and we'd have no problems repelling invaders. 1st, a volley from our stout bowmen( and I include myself in that description), Then, when the enemy came closer, thrusts from Low whistles and flutes. If they broke through these lines of defence, Hacking about with banjos and Zouks, followed by short stabs from whistles to dispatch the offenders. Lastly, torture of any prisoners taken by a rousing chorus of the Rakes of Mallow from the assorted accordians and constant screamers, followed by a lament for the fallen from the lone piper who had wisely removed themself to the bar during the whole sorry affair.
Yes, everything you said is OK: throwing pianos, swaying bows and smashing low whistles... But you forgot to use brains and science. Let's see a couple of examples: some fiddle, banjo and guitar strings and some whistles are excellent electricity conductors, so you can offer them conviniently modified and just push the on button. Or you can prepare any kind of toxic liquid in your whistle or flute mouthpiece... Thousands of ideas, up to you.
A mate of mine, a banjo player, was once involved in an altercation with some drunkards who called into question his playing ability (which, anyway, is good). As the argument teetered toward a violent resolution, P--l, my mate, picked up his yoke by the neck, and brandished it at the yobs, certainly fully intending to use it. End of argument. They left quickly with a few curses as parting shots. Session recommenced. No kidding. True story.
I once broke a guitar string, and as I was muttering to myself while changing it, the rather colorful fellow next to me said, "Look at it this way, you haven't lost a guitar string, you have gained a handy garrotte," which I thought was an interesting viewpoint!
I just know that, in a battle of wits, I am unarmed....
When I was a young coastguardsman at the Academy, I was in the band. We were playing football against another military school, and performing our halftime show, when young men from the opposition began running onto the field and stealing band member's hat. Needless to say, it soon became a brawl, on homecoming weekend no less. A sousaphone player near me had someone run up to steal his hat, and he merely bowed, in a somewhat formal manner. This brought the giant bell of the sousaphone (they were brass in those days) down on the head of the opponent, knocking him to the ground, where he sat somewhat dazed.
Who says England has cornered the market on sports hooliganism?
Thank you all for the information. I shall forward it to the Bush administration, which will probably send his goons into your neighborhoods looking not for WMD but for ITM (instruments of true mayhem).
At the East Coast Tionol we discovered the advantages of the low whistle as a missile launcher. So you can shoot long range targets and hit short range targets. You can't launch things out of a banjo. Unless you throw the banjo.
My wife, (who talks in her sleep,) astonished me as I laid dozing in the very early hours one morning when she sat up suddenly as though lecturing to a large audience and said, "If you trace concertina weaponry to the first World War I think you'll find that that's true." --- And then she lay down again.
At a session the obvious weapon is a fiddle, because there are usually about 12 off them, and you wouldn't be too worried if you broke it over someones head.
Exocet heat seeking bodhrans are also useful.
Most instruments are too expensive and valued to use, so the generation Bb whistle comes into its own. Cheap, and just the right size to stick through someone's neck and then twist. But I abhor violence.
Mind you I always bring the metal bar part of our speaker stand, and we haven't used the speakers in years.
Ideal is the saw, but you don't see too many of those at a session. Bodhran players always get nervous when they see one.
Or you could simply borrow Michael Gill's penknife.
Actually, I'm almost always carrying around a one piece PVC flute specifically for its usability as a weapon.
A high C piccolo/fife is a yawara in disquise, and quite deadly in the right hands. A low D is a short hanbo, but and can be wielded rather like a wakazashi as well as a stick.
Niether one is obviously, or *legally,* a weapon until actually wielded, so you can go nearly anywhere armed with deadly force without drawing any attention whatsoever.
There is a reason why all those old, traveling Buddhist monks were flute players, and it has little to do with making music.
Fascinating instrument, mickray - just glanced at the accompanying text - something about a "sissy-bar". Well if we all hang out there, we won't need weapons
I've come to this late having been away for a couple of days, but as a flute player, as Janek said, an unkeyed polymer flute basically IS a night stick. And unlike most other instruments you can clout people with it and then carry on playing it undamaged.
Also, isn't there a film where violin/bow is used as bow and arrow?
I could be wrong, but I think one of the earliest Disney cartoons featured a bass fiddle and bow used as a bow and arrow... not sure if that would work, outside of Toon Land.
Sorry greg, but I'm afraid I don't have a measuring device that would give you the accuracy you'd need to copy it. Plus, as you should know, there's more to a musical instrument than its dimensions.
John J and Bodhran Bliss: When someone shows up to a session with a cheap bodhran, mug him, and toss him out on the street. Keep the cheap bodhrans for this occasion, as they could be used as ninja frizbees. They also make cheap Didjeridoos out of plastic that can be used as giant tongue depressors for loud punters in the audience.
And if Bliss were with you, I would definitely put him out front to out punt the punters. If that didn't work, bring some hurling sticks and play them as giant "spoons."
If someone were to walk into my house right now, they wouldn't stand a chance.
First of all there's the constant shrill of three different instruments playing three different songs at the same time.
If he were to get in, my brother would probably deafen him with is flute, I'd proably gouge his eyes out with my bow, we'd all take the guitar case to his head, and my sister might throw the piano bench at him. Wait... Scratch that. My sister could do a number of things to him... She gets creative like that.
...And then we'd probably sic the dogs on him, all the while playing Boheimian Rhapsody or something of that sort.
Weaponry
Weaponry
Add this to the list of ridiculously irrelevant threads. But after drinking too much alcohol this evening, we began to debate the relative merits of musical instruments as weapons.
So if your session gets attacked by angry punters, which musical instrument do you wish you were wielding?
(I held out in favor of the cannons of the 1812 Overture but was immediately disqualified as a cheat, cad and bounder).
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by cuchulain54
Re: Weaponry
Why do you think I play a low D whistle instead of a soprano D whistle? The former is better for bar fights.
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by TheSilverSpear
Re: Weaponry
I'd send the bodhrans "to the front".
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by Johannes J
Re: Weaponry
That's where good ole Dixon flutes come in handy. M&Es are also a convenient weapon, deadly in the hands of a professional flutist.
Guitar is in general not bad, if somewhat fragile (depends on the brand - American and Canadian are, in my opinion, much less resistant than Bulgarian and Russian), however, it isn't too useful in close quarter combat. With that in mind, all stringed instruments are equipped with strings, which - at least according to flight security officers - are at least weapons of mass destruction.
I wouldn't mind a hammered dulcimer, if only it was played with sledgehammers.
Piano, with all its advantages and potentials, has a serious drawback related to weight.
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by EastPole
Re: Weaponry
Janek - don't knock pianos.
Have you ever tried hiding under a flute?
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by showaddydadito
Re: Weaponry
You've got the point, but this is where full church organ come in handy.
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by EastPole
Re: Weaponry
I agree with Silver Spear. Low whistle is most powerful instrument. It's also possibility for fight between musicians, but I think that nobody have any chance against low whistler. Flute is also good, but I think it's too expensive to use it for fight. That's why there's always one low whistle with me...
Cheers...
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by Bile
Re: Weaponry
Large and ugly banjo, contains a fair amount of heavy iron, wood and strings. Best used when encircled by enemy, hold it with both hands and do a dervish dance smashing heads around you. If you really want to use its full potential you can even play a tune on it, but you could get convicted for genocide
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by damirban
Re: Weaponry
The harp is great for slicing people thinly - stick it over someone's head and you could get at least 36 slices out of mine (wire-strung ones could be better at this!!).
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by Mark Harmer
Re: Weaponry
A banjo with a bell brass tone ring is by far the heaviest weopon and if ye caught that round the side of someones head I'm sure they would be seeing stars, failing that you could always use ancient chinese torture methods by pinninig your enemy down and getting 2 fiddlers to play the masons apron in each ear out of sync I'm sure by the time they reached the 3rd part he would tell you anything you needed to know
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by Ripthecalico
Re: Weaponry
I'd definitely take one of those big Irish bazooka things
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by RichardB
Re: Weaponry
Take your Clarke's whistle, stamp on the end to flatten it and you've got a pretty sharp pointy object.
I always find this amusing when the security people wave me through onto the plane with my whistle in my rucksack....
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by Ottery
Re: Weaponry
Bloody good idea sending the bodhran players out first.....they are the least likely to wimp it!
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by mcknowall
Re: Weaponry
"Large and ugly banjo" - is there any other sort?
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by showaddydadito
Re: Weaponry
I can see the headline:
"Bodhran Players - a Forlorn Hope"
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by showaddydadito
Re: Weaponry
Then there's that great film about fiddle players going into battle: A Bridge Too Far (or maybe it was orthodontists)
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by RichardB
Re: Weaponry
I have been hit with a fiddle bow across the knuckles a few times. It hurt.
I have a metal mandolin that could do some damage and make a good shield too. And shiny, so you could fight a Gorgon without turning to stone.
I think the neck of a banjo would break if you tried swinging it like an axe. Those string-ends could have your eye out I spose.
But the best would have to be a swift jab with a whistle. Or a clatter with a hard-shell case
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by Bren
Re: Weaponry
A fiddle isn't a grat weapon but a bow is a bow. you can trow whistles with velocity and precision.
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by fer
Re: Weaponry
Then there's the forward-charge-accordian-bellows-nipple-tweak.
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by showaddydadito
Re: Weaponry
For defence - a Cimbalom
For attack - a loaded Bouzouki
For long-range - throw Piano Accordions
For close-range - swing Banjo
But if we're talking tunes, I'd arm myself with a 'Silver Spear'.
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by Ptarmigan
Re: Weaponry
Good morning Lagopus. Are you late or am I early?
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by showaddydadito
Re: Weaponry
Our session has a complete armory and we'd have no problems repelling invaders. 1st, a volley from our stout bowmen( and I include myself in that description), Then, when the enemy came closer, thrusts from Low whistles and flutes. If they broke through these lines of defence, Hacking about with banjos and Zouks, followed by short stabs from whistles to dispatch the offenders. Lastly, torture of any prisoners taken by a rousing chorus of the Rakes of Mallow from the assorted accordians and constant screamers, followed by a lament for the fallen from the lone piper who had wisely removed themself to the bar during the whole sorry affair.
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by woops
Re: Weaponry
Yes, everything you said is OK: throwing pianos, swaying bows and smashing low whistles... But you forgot to use brains and science. Let's see a couple of examples: some fiddle, banjo and guitar strings and some whistles are excellent electricity conductors, so you can offer them conviniently modified and just push the on button. Or you can prepare any kind of toxic liquid in your whistle or flute mouthpiece... Thousands of ideas, up to you.
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by jorge o'lochlainn
Re: Weaponry
Yes. Whistles with poison darts to quickly and silenty take out the enemy.. We were talking about this in the pub on Sunday night.
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by Bren
Re: Weaponry
I can't help wondering what has angered the punters so.
What did we do wrong?
What are we fighting for?
Are they between us and the bar? - now that would be serious.
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by showaddydadito
Re: Weaponry
No, it's quite simple - someone insulted our Bodhran player & all hell has erupted as we defend his honour!
Don't laugh, it could happen.
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by Ptarmigan
Re: Weaponry
A mate of mine, a banjo player, was once involved in an altercation with some drunkards who called into question his playing ability (which, anyway, is good). As the argument teetered toward a violent resolution, P--l, my mate, picked up his yoke by the neck, and brandished it at the yobs, certainly fully intending to use it. End of argument. They left quickly with a few curses as parting shots. Session recommenced. No kidding. True story.
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by Key Maniac Lad
Re: Weaponry
Potentiall quite an expensive method of conflict resolution, but that's P--l for you.
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by Key Maniac Lad
Re: Weaponry
Good grief! - how do you insult a bodhran player?
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by showaddydadito
Re: Weaponry
I once broke a guitar string, and as I was muttering to myself while changing it, the rather colorful fellow next to me said, "Look at it this way, you haven't lost a guitar string, you have gained a handy garrotte," which I thought was an interesting viewpoint!
I just know that, in a battle of wits, I am unarmed....
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by AlBrown
Re: Weaponry
Have you ever wondered why there is a National steel guitar (I think it is, anyway) on the cover of Dire Straits' "Brothers in Arms"?
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by kuec
Re: Weaponry
I once clocked a gun-waving drunk with a Telecaster and it didn't even knock the pickups out of alignment--played the rest of the night with it.
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by coyotebanjo
Re: Weaponry
Cello-mainly for the spike.
Surely someone has used a set of uillean pipes as a very effective bolo?
And what do you think is actually inside all the shaky eggs? They make excellent genades.
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by wormdiet
Re: Weaponry
Jim, Our Hero is a man from West Limerick. Would he be the same one?
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by Key Maniac Lad
Re: Weaponry
When I was a young coastguardsman at the Academy, I was in the band. We were playing football against another military school, and performing our halftime show, when young men from the opposition began running onto the field and stealing band member's hat. Needless to say, it soon became a brawl, on homecoming weekend no less. A sousaphone player near me had someone run up to steal his hat, and he merely bowed, in a somewhat formal manner. This brought the giant bell of the sousaphone (they were brass in those days) down on the head of the opponent, knocking him to the ground, where he sat somewhat dazed.
Who says England has cornered the market on sports hooliganism?
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by AlBrown
Re: Weaponry
Highland Bagpipes...all the way
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by Pete D
Re: Weaponry
Thank you all for the information. I shall forward it to the Bush administration, which will probably send his goons into your neighborhoods looking not for WMD but for ITM (instruments of true mayhem).
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by cuchulain54
Re: Weaponry
At the East Coast Tionol we discovered the advantages of the low whistle as a missile launcher. So you can shoot long range targets and hit short range targets. You can't launch things out of a banjo. Unless you throw the banjo.
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by TheSilverSpear
Re: Weaponry
My wife, (who talks in her sleep,) astonished me as I laid dozing in the very early hours one morning when she sat up suddenly as though lecturing to a large audience and said, "If you trace concertina weaponry to the first World War I think you'll find that that's true." --- And then she lay down again.
# Posted on November 3rd 2005 by Phantom Button
Re: Weaponry
I'd smack 'em in the face with me spoons!
# Posted on November 4th 2005 by halfirish
Re: Weaponry
At a session the obvious weapon is a fiddle, because there are usually about 12 off them, and you wouldn't be too worried if you broke it over someones head.
Exocet heat seeking bodhrans are also useful.
Most instruments are too expensive and valued to use, so the generation Bb whistle comes into its own. Cheap, and just the right size to stick through someone's neck and then twist. But I abhor violence.
Mind you I always bring the metal bar part of our speaker stand, and we haven't used the speakers in years.
Ideal is the saw, but you don't see too many of those at a session. Bodhran players always get nervous when they see one.
Or you could simply borrow Michael Gill's penknife.
# Posted on November 4th 2005 by bodhran bliss
Re: Weaponry
I just hope I had my M&E instead of my Lejune that night.
# Posted on November 4th 2005 by Unseen122
Re: Weaponry
Actually, I'm almost always carrying around a one piece PVC flute specifically for its usability as a weapon.
A high C piccolo/fife is a yawara in disquise, and quite deadly in the right hands. A low D is a short hanbo, but and can be wielded rather like a wakazashi as well as a stick.
Niether one is obviously, or *legally,* a weapon until actually wielded, so you can go nearly anywhere armed with deadly force without drawing any attention whatsoever.
There is a reason why all those old, traveling Buddhist monks were flute players, and it has little to do with making music.
KFG
# Posted on November 4th 2005 by KFG
Re: Weaponry
Here's my choice:
http://www.meatleg.com/malmal.html ;>}
# Posted on November 4th 2005 by mickray
Re: Weaponry
Fascinating instrument, mickray - just glanced at the accompanying text - something about a "sissy-bar". Well if we all hang out there, we won't need weapons
# Posted on November 4th 2005 by RichardB
Re: Weaponry
I'd feel very safe behind my flute- 22 1/2 inches of bone-crushing 3/4" PVC pipe, and if it broke, I'd make another one.
# Posted on November 4th 2005 by Greg the Piano Tuner
Re: Weaponry
In this battle might a dyslexic wear Yew Apron?
Bx
# Posted on November 4th 2005 by briantheflute
Re: Weaponry
A Low whistle might make a good mortar launcher.
Anglos would make a good rallying call - they are louder than bugles.
# Posted on November 4th 2005 by geoffwright
Re: Weaponry
I've come to this late having been away for a couple of days, but as a flute player, as Janek said, an unkeyed polymer flute basically IS a night stick. And unlike most other instruments you can clout people with it and then carry on playing it undamaged.
Also, isn't there a film where violin/bow is used as bow and arrow?
# Posted on November 4th 2005 by NeilC
Re: Weaponry
I could be wrong, but I think one of the earliest Disney cartoons featured a bass fiddle and bow used as a bow and arrow... not sure if that would work, outside of Toon Land.
# Posted on November 4th 2005 by mickray
Re: Weaponry
If anyone attacked me with their Low D, I'd be happy to defend myself with my Low C
# Posted on November 4th 2005 by llig leahcim
Re: Weaponry
Wow, Michael, if you have a low C I sure would be grateful if you could measure it up and send me the dimensions so I could make one!
# Posted on November 4th 2005 by Greg the Piano Tuner
Re: Weaponry
Sorry greg, but I'm afraid I don't have a measuring device that would give you the accuracy you'd need to copy it. Plus, as you should know, there's more to a musical instrument than its dimensions.
# Posted on November 4th 2005 by llig leahcim
Re: Weaponry
I'll show you my low C if you show me yours...
Is this the trad musician's locker room where people compare whistle sizes?
# Posted on November 5th 2005 by TheSilverSpear
Re: Weaponry
Uh... we're talking about weapons here -- not tools.
# Posted on November 5th 2005 by Phantom Button
Re: Weaponry
John J and Bodhran Bliss: When someone shows up to a session with a cheap bodhran, mug him, and toss him out on the street. Keep the cheap bodhrans for this occasion, as they could be used as ninja frizbees. They also make cheap Didjeridoos out of plastic that can be used as giant tongue depressors for loud punters in the audience.
And if Bliss were with you, I would definitely put him out front to out punt the punters. If that didn't work, bring some hurling sticks and play them as giant "spoons."
# Posted on November 5th 2005 by CeolCairdeas
Re: Weaponry
If someone were to walk into my house right now, they wouldn't stand a chance.
First of all there's the constant shrill of three different instruments playing three different songs at the same time.
If he were to get in, my brother would probably deafen him with is flute, I'd proably gouge his eyes out with my bow, we'd all take the guitar case to his head, and my sister might throw the piano bench at him. Wait... Scratch that. My sister could do a number of things to him... She gets creative like that.
...And then we'd probably sic the dogs on him, all the while playing Boheimian Rhapsody or something of that sort.
# Posted on November 5th 2006 by Amanime