This idea came to me, following an idea from dmarie, on a recent thread.
dmarie told us about these new hats football supporters wear now, special 'hands free' yolks, which hold drink & have a kind of a straw apparatus attached, & connected to their mouths!
Now just think, if we each wore one of those hats to our sessions, just imagine how long each set of tunes could last!
We could then go for a record in the 'Guinness Book of Records' for the longest set of tunes played - ever!
If we had these hats connected to the Bar at the start of the night, we could even ask the bar staff to just top up our hats at regular intervals, then the only reason we would need to stop would be to take a p*ss!
So, can you think of any other ways you could improve the miserable conditions you are forced to endure at your weekly session?
Perhaps comfort is your major concern - so if only you had chairs instead of having to sit on the earth, around that big old fire, or, if only you had a few more trees around your fire, to pin the 'No Smoking' signs on, or, a few more banjos maybe to bung on the fire when it goes down, or,..............O K it's your turn!
Surely you could devise a system to just cathater everyone up to the loos before you start.
Come to think of it, the next limiting factor on a marathon session is food ,so again, you could just drip in some of that liquid nutrition formula they use in hospitals.
A full-time chauffeur.
A sushi bar with an expert sushi chef making up and passing out morsels throughout the evening.
A micro-brewery bubbling away in the corner, concocting new and original beverages for our delectation.
A bevy of dusky maidens in one corner hand-rolling the finest exotic combustibles on their inner thighs for those who like a smoke.
An industrial but silent smoke extractor for those who don't.
An electronic display which comes up with the name of the next tune in the set, and shows how many times through you've played the current one.
A scantily clothed and lithesome 'personal assistant' for each player who can read the parts of your mind that you no longer can and tell you what set of jigs you'd like to play next, or which one would go well on the end of the one you're currently playing. They could also do useful things like wiping drool off the end of your flute before it drips into matey's pint, or rosin your bow (oo-er missus!), or cleaning up those embarassing stains if you're a banjo player.
I know it doesn't sound like much, but it would make SO much difference.
Mark
Can't add much to that except maybe six topless Irish dancers.....
Another idea is not to have to pay for your drinks but to pay a fiver each time you go to the toilet.
Mark - that's a fair close description of our session - astonishing.
We do have one or two more things though. We have a sloping floor so the spittle dribbles out on one side of the bodhran players mouth making for easier cleaning up, and a man with a little hatchet always ready to chop a hammered dulcimer into kindling for a good accordian fire.
Sometimes if the fire is getting low, drilling a half inck dia. hole in the end of one of the accordions and positioning the gnome playing it by the side of the fireplace can make for an admirable substitute for a pair of bellows.
And while we're at it, if you remove the useless bridge, strings and tuning knobs, a banjo makes a pefectly functional, if somewhat uncomfortable, bedpan.
Speaking of Michael Flatfoot, does anyone know anything about his latest dance extravaganza? It was described to me last night as some sort of dance through the history of the troubles? i.e. some sort of glorification of the armed struggle? If so, has he completely lost ALL his marbles now?
Why is it that so many folk in the entertainment world turn to politics? I remember when Dick Gaughan charged off in that direction & didn't Bob Dylan even hint at it with 'one' of his songs? ( )
Anyway, back to the topic:
I don't know about all you young virile chaps, but I'll be honest, even this old codger couldn't play well with "A bevy of dusky maidens in one corner hand-rolling the finest exotic combustibles on their inner thighs for those who like a smoke." I even had to dash off & take a cold shower after merely reading that entry!
For the same reason, the "scantily clothed and lithesome 'personal assistant'" and the "six topless Irish Dancers" would be out of the question for me too. They are a great idea but couldn't we just bring them all in, 'after' the tunes awere over?
I also like the notion of a "catheter ...you could just use the inner tube of a bicycle wheel". Yeah, but rather than run it all the way out to the loo, which really doesn't sound very practical, why not just run them all into a large basin under the table & then you could pay Billy Connolly to come in every now & then & "Take the P*ss" - Boom Boom!
Ottery, if you removed all those items from the banjo, but left the skin, wouldn't it just act like putting thin plastic film across the loo, & result in all the waste just dribbling onto the seat beside you?
By the way, I think what you really want to get for the fire is a good stock of Pianos, Piano Accordions & all those wobbly old B/C Boxes! I'm sure they'd last far longer than banjos!
You need a continuous drip system into your mouth, so that should require plumbing at the North end. On the South end, you might consider the urinals truck drivers keep on hand so they can keep driving and take a leak. Maybe everyone would better sit at a table to hide what you are doing. You would have to keep a straight face and not tip off that what you are doing under the table. No loud "Aaaaaaaaaaagh!" sounds after a long set and holding back the flood.
Throw another Banjo on the fire there Bruce!
Throw another Banjo on the fire there Bruce!
This idea came to me, following an idea from dmarie, on a recent thread.
dmarie told us about these new hats football supporters wear now, special 'hands free' yolks, which hold drink & have a kind of a straw apparatus attached, & connected to their mouths!
Now just think, if we each wore one of those hats to our sessions, just imagine how long each set of tunes could last!
We could then go for a record in the 'Guinness Book of Records' for the longest set of tunes played - ever!
If we had these hats connected to the Bar at the start of the night, we could even ask the bar staff to just top up our hats at regular intervals, then the only reason we would need to stop would be to take a p*ss!
So, can you think of any other ways you could improve the miserable conditions you are forced to endure at your weekly session?
Perhaps comfort is your major concern - so if only you had chairs instead of having to sit on the earth, around that big old fire, or, if only you had a few more trees around your fire, to pin the 'No Smoking' signs on, or, a few more banjos maybe to bung on the fire when it goes down, or,..............O K it's your turn!
# Posted on October 12th 2005 by Ptarmigan
Re: Throw another Banjo on the fire there Bruce!
Why bother to get up and take a p*ss?
Surely you could devise a system to just cathater everyone up to the loos before you start.
Come to think of it, the next limiting factor on a marathon session is food ,so again, you could just drip in some of that liquid nutrition formula they use in hospitals.
Beyond that sleep or death are your only enemies!
# Posted on October 12th 2005 by jfiddlerh
Re: Throw another Banjo on the fire there Bruce!
"So, can you think of any other ways you could improve the miserable conditions you are forced to endure at your weekly session?"
No - our weekly session is so near perfect that I wouldn't change anything.
# Posted on October 12th 2005 by showaddydadito
Re: Throw another Banjo on the fire there Bruce!
A full-time chauffeur.
A sushi bar with an expert sushi chef making up and passing out morsels throughout the evening.
A micro-brewery bubbling away in the corner, concocting new and original beverages for our delectation.
A bevy of dusky maidens in one corner hand-rolling the finest exotic combustibles on their inner thighs for those who like a smoke.
An industrial but silent smoke extractor for those who don't.
An electronic display which comes up with the name of the next tune in the set, and shows how many times through you've played the current one.
A scantily clothed and lithesome 'personal assistant' for each player who can read the parts of your mind that you no longer can and tell you what set of jigs you'd like to play next, or which one would go well on the end of the one you're currently playing. They could also do useful things like wiping drool off the end of your flute before it drips into matey's pint, or rosin your bow (oo-er missus!), or cleaning up those embarassing stains if you're a banjo player.
I know it doesn't sound like much, but it would make SO much difference.
Mark
# Posted on October 12th 2005 by Ottery
Re: Throw another Banjo on the fire there Bruce!
Can't add much to that except maybe six topless Irish dancers.....
Another idea is not to have to pay for your drinks but to pay a fiver each time you go to the toilet.
# Posted on October 12th 2005 by Ian Stevenson
Re: Throw another Banjo on the fire there Bruce!
You can't have topless Irish dancers, Ian - they'd have their eyes out!
# Posted on October 12th 2005 by Ottery
Re: Throw another Banjo on the fire there Bruce!
Mark - that's a fair close description of our session - astonishing.
We do have one or two more things though. We have a sloping floor so the spittle dribbles out on one side of the bodhran players mouth making for easier cleaning up, and a man with a little hatchet always ready to chop a hammered dulcimer into kindling for a good accordian fire.
# Posted on October 12th 2005 by showaddydadito
Re: Throw another Banjo on the fire there Bruce!
Sometimes if the fire is getting low, drilling a half inck dia. hole in the end of one of the accordions and positioning the gnome playing it by the side of the fireplace can make for an admirable substitute for a pair of bellows.
# Posted on October 12th 2005 by Ottery
Re: Throw another Banjo on the fire there Bruce!
And while we're at it, if you remove the useless bridge, strings and tuning knobs, a banjo makes a pefectly functional, if somewhat uncomfortable, bedpan.
# Posted on October 12th 2005 by Ottery
Re: Throw another Banjo on the fire there Bruce!
What six topless flatleys???
Mind you, Billy Connolly's sketch on the incontinence troos also came to mind
# Posted on October 12th 2005 by breandan
Re: Throw another Banjo on the fire there Bruce!
Speaking of Michael Flatfoot, does anyone know anything about his latest dance extravaganza? It was described to me last night as some sort of dance through the history of the troubles? i.e. some sort of glorification of the armed struggle? If so, has he completely lost ALL his marbles now?
Why is it that so many folk in the entertainment world turn to politics? I remember when Dick Gaughan charged off in that direction & didn't Bob Dylan even hint at it with 'one' of his songs? (
)
Anyway, back to the topic:
I don't know about all you young virile chaps, but I'll be honest, even this old codger couldn't play well with "A bevy of dusky maidens in one corner hand-rolling the finest exotic combustibles on their inner thighs for those who like a smoke." I even had to dash off & take a cold shower after merely reading that entry!
For the same reason, the "scantily clothed and lithesome 'personal assistant'" and the "six topless Irish Dancers" would be out of the question for me too. They are a great idea but couldn't we just bring them all in, 'after' the tunes awere over?
I also like the notion of a "catheter ...you could just use the inner tube of a bicycle wheel". Yeah, but rather than run it all the way out to the loo, which really doesn't sound very practical, why not just run them all into a large basin under the table & then you could pay Billy Connolly to come in every now & then & "Take the P*ss" - Boom Boom!
Ottery, if you removed all those items from the banjo, but left the skin, wouldn't it just act like putting thin plastic film across the loo, & result in all the waste just dribbling onto the seat beside you?
By the way, I think what you really want to get for the fire is a good stock of Pianos, Piano Accordions & all those wobbly old B/C Boxes! I'm sure they'd last far longer than banjos!
# Posted on October 12th 2005 by Ptarmigan
Re: Throw another Banjo on the fire there Bruce!
Ptarmigan, turn the banjo over!
# Posted on October 12th 2005 by Ottery
Re: Throw another Banjo on the fire there Bruce!
Och your so technical Ottery! You must be an engineer or something?
# Posted on October 12th 2005 by Ptarmigan
Re: Throw another Banjo on the fire there Bruce!
Now only there was a way where you wouldn't have to get up and take a p*ss
# Posted on October 12th 2005 by paratroopers
Re: Throw another Banjo on the fire there Bruce!
What on earth do you people think empty glasses are for?
# Posted on October 13th 2005 by showaddydadito
Re: Throw another Banjo on the fire there Bruce!
You need a continuous drip system into your mouth, so that should require plumbing at the North end. On the South end, you might consider the urinals truck drivers keep on hand so they can keep driving and take a leak. Maybe everyone would better sit at a table to hide what you are doing. You would have to keep a straight face and not tip off that what you are doing under the table. No loud "Aaaaaaaaaaagh!" sounds after a long set and holding back the flood.
# Posted on October 17th 2005 by CeolCairdeas