Trad musicians need no longer suffer from ailments brought on from fleadhs, trad fests, sessions, and excessive craic having. Next year, leading pharmaceutical companies will be introducing a new line of legal prescription and OTC drugs tailored for the needs of trad musicians.
Talk to your doctor about which ones may be right for you.
Concertinamine - relieves wavering pitch
Polka-Seltzer - fast relief after a night of Kerry tunes
Tylenol-ABC - for the pain caused by submitting abc tunes
Jeremiazine - prevents unpatriotic outbursts
Sineadanol - controls excessive melismas and over-emoting
Dowenema - for the release of excessive pent-up rage
Ignoradril - calms the stress of shaky egg ubiquity
Shushanol - removes earwax build-up so you can hear yourself
Bodhranogen - relieves the disappointment of being kicked out of sessions
Seanosazil - your nyah won't be the only thing that stays slick with this high fiber powder
Jambandivent - for those headaches caused by excessive noodling
Brevacid - controls the urge to play tunes with five parts
Sham-E - for depressed Elvis impersonators displaced by sessions
Of course, the best one of the lot is non-prescription and you buy it at the bar and it comes all the way from Dublin.
As a young boy I remember the doctor telling my old grand-dad to drink a pint of Guinness every day for his health (as if the old chap needed telling!)
You can get most of these as over the counter non prescription vetrinary drugs at any feed store in the Republic of Ireland. That's what all us UK farmers do!
I resisted the temptation for a day; but, we've got to consider the side-effects. Consider this:
Like all medicines, your drug will also cause some side effects. But the side effects are usually mild and do not last longer than a few hours. The most common drug side effects are upset stomach, headache and facial flushing ... also ... dilation of blood vessels in other body parts, causing fainting and headaches. Rare instances of your drug side effects like prolonged _sessions_ have been reported but this phenomena is indeed rare. Prolonged _sessions_ can be painful, and even lead to blood clotting in the vital area, harming the musical system. Should drug side effects occur, medical attention should be sought if a _session_ persists for more than four hours.
If my session lasts for more than four hours, I'm not just telling the physician, I'd tell the world.
Side effects may include: diarrhea of the mouth, ear cramps, numb feet, bloodshot eyes, muscle cramps, ingrown toenails, hyper-extended pinkies, drunkenness, drool, flatulence, gas, tinnitus, extreme thirst, broken fingernails, blisters, bed sores, misspent youth, earwax build-up, anxiety, fear, crushed ego, elitism, lung cancer (depending on location), large buttocks, claw hand, tendonitis, envy, embarrassment, shame, sleeplessness, and occasional nightmares. If you suffer from any of these symptoms consult your physician immediately. And you might want to take up playing bluegrass instead.
The New Prescription Drugs for Trad Musicians
The New Prescription Drugs for Trad Musicians
Trad musicians need no longer suffer from ailments brought on from fleadhs, trad fests, sessions, and excessive craic having. Next year, leading pharmaceutical companies will be introducing a new line of legal prescription and OTC drugs tailored for the needs of trad musicians.
Talk to your doctor about which ones may be right for you.
Concertinamine - relieves wavering pitch
Polka-Seltzer - fast relief after a night of Kerry tunes
Tylenol-ABC - for the pain caused by submitting abc tunes
Jeremiazine - prevents unpatriotic outbursts
Sineadanol - controls excessive melismas and over-emoting
Dowenema - for the release of excessive pent-up rage
Ignoradril - calms the stress of shaky egg ubiquity
Shushanol - removes earwax build-up so you can hear yourself
Bodhranogen - relieves the disappointment of being kicked out of sessions
Seanosazil - your nyah won't be the only thing that stays slick with this high fiber powder
Jambandivent - for those headaches caused by excessive noodling
Brevacid - controls the urge to play tunes with five parts
Sham-E - for depressed Elvis impersonators displaced by sessions
# Posted on October 6th 2004 by Phantom Button
Re: The New Prescription Drugs for Trad Musicians
That's great stuff! Very funny.
# Posted on October 6th 2004 by meemtp
Re: The New Prescription Drugs for Trad Musicians
Jack, maybe we can work out a deal. I'm sure all of these are available at lower cost from Canada.
# Posted on October 6th 2004 by grego
Re: The New Prescription Drugs for Trad Musicians
Currently in research and development:
Souptwobowlamine - temporary relief for spoons
# Posted on October 6th 2004 by Jode
Re: The New Prescription Drugs for Trad Musicians
Gilderol - for your cynicuses, or should that be Gill oil. Couldn't resist, sorry.WB
# Posted on October 6th 2004 by wvwhistler
Re: The New Prescription Drugs for Trad Musicians
In the UK, prescriptions are free for the over-60s, and under-18s, and probably also for a few other categories of persons.
Trevor
# Posted on October 6th 2004 by Trevor Jennings
Re: The New Prescription Drugs for Trad Musicians
Banjephidrin sulphate, to keep them fingers flying!
Bazoukituate better know as Mandolex to slow them old fingers down!
# Posted on October 6th 2004 by Twiz
Re: The New Prescription Drugs for Trad Musicians
Of course, the best one of the lot is non-prescription and you buy it at the bar and it comes all the way from Dublin.
As a young boy I remember the doctor telling my old grand-dad to drink a pint of Guinness every day for his health (as if the old chap needed telling!)
Trevor
# Posted on October 6th 2004 by Trevor Jennings
Re: The New Prescription Drugs for Trad Musicians
And when you cannot find a decent draught Guiness, Sam Adams lager is hard to beat.
# Posted on October 6th 2004 by wvwhistler
Re: The New Prescription Drugs for Trad Musicians
Sildenafiddle citrate: Will keep you "up" and moving all night....No, I don't think Hefner buys this one.
# Posted on October 7th 2004 by lovelylydia
Re: The New Prescription Drugs for Trad Musicians
a bit of poteen rubbed into the legs helps you to tap your feet faster!
# Posted on October 7th 2004 by MollyB
Re: The New Prescription Drugs for Trad Musicians
Brewale Wivamate (2000 ml) - get drunk with your buddy.
Jim
# Posted on October 7th 2004 by Worldfiddler
Re: The New Prescription Drugs for Trad Musicians
You can get most of these as over the counter non prescription vetrinary drugs at any feed store in the Republic of Ireland. That's what all us UK farmers do!
# Posted on October 7th 2004 by kris
Re: The New Prescription Drugs for Trad Musicians
Jack,
That was brilliant and the perfect start to my day. Thanks
Mary
# Posted on October 7th 2004 by Antikhntr
Re: The New Prescription Drugs for Trad Musicians
Corkbackamil for Flute players that are sharp in the second octave.
PP
# Posted on October 7th 2004 by Pied Piper
Re: The New Prescription Drugs for Trad Musicians
Supale Wivutamate - get blooshed on you own.
Jim
# Posted on October 7th 2004 by Worldfiddler
Re: The New Prescription Drugs for Trad Musicians
The Sildenafiddle is better known by its trade name Violagra
# Posted on October 7th 2004 by meemtp
Re: The New Prescription Drugs for Trad Musicians
I resisted the temptation for a day; but, we've got to consider the side-effects. Consider this:
Like all medicines, your drug will also cause some side effects. But the side effects are usually mild and do not last longer than a few hours. The most common drug side effects are upset stomach, headache and facial flushing ... also ... dilation of blood vessels in other body parts, causing fainting and headaches. Rare instances of your drug side effects like prolonged _sessions_ have been reported but this phenomena is indeed rare. Prolonged _sessions_ can be painful, and even lead to blood clotting in the vital area, harming the musical system. Should drug side effects occur, medical attention should be sought if a _session_ persists for more than four hours.
If my session lasts for more than four hours, I'm not just telling the physician, I'd tell the world.
# Posted on October 8th 2004 by mike henry
Re: The New Prescription Drugs for Trad Musicians
Side effects may include: diarrhea of the mouth, ear cramps, numb feet, bloodshot eyes, muscle cramps, ingrown toenails, hyper-extended pinkies, drunkenness, drool, flatulence, gas, tinnitus, extreme thirst, broken fingernails, blisters, bed sores, misspent youth, earwax build-up, anxiety, fear, crushed ego, elitism, lung cancer (depending on location), large buttocks, claw hand, tendonitis, envy, embarrassment, shame, sleeplessness, and occasional nightmares. If you suffer from any of these symptoms consult your physician immediately. And you might want to take up playing bluegrass instead.
Good point mike.
# Posted on October 8th 2004 by Phantom Button
Re: The New Prescription Drugs for Trad Musicians
Or try some of those dozens of patron saints for session ailments unearthed a few months back!
# Posted on October 8th 2004 by Tish
Re: The New Prescription Drugs for Trad Musicians
...don't take up bluegrass - the symptoms are breakdowns!
Jim
# Posted on October 8th 2004 by Worldfiddler
Re: The New Prescription Drugs for Trad Musicians
Then there was the Kerryman who, according to Eamonn Kelly, invented a cure for which there was no known disease.
# Posted on October 10th 2004 by An Goban Saor