A guy walks into a Belfast pub carrying a bag, and he orders a pint. The pub falls silent and everyone eyes the bag askance. The bartender says, "Before I give you your pint, you need to tell me what's in the bag."
Your man answers, "It's none of your bloody business what's in the bag. All I want is me pint."
Bartender answers, "I really can't give you a pint until I know what's in the bag."
The guy looks at the sea of suspicious faces that bode ill for him, so he shrugs and says, "There's fifteen pounds of plastique in there."
The noise level in the pub returns to normal, and the bartender sighs in relief and slaps a pint of Guinness down in front of him, saying, "Oh, sorry son. We were afraid it was a bodhran."
A bodhran player walks into a music store. For three hours he tries out different bodhrans, but finds the sound of each of them unsatisfying. He asks the shopkeeper to bring him better bodhrans. Finally, the angry shopkeeper brings out an old marching drum and says "This is a drum made by Stradivarius himself". The bodhran player spends an odd several thousand quid on the drum and happily runs home, eager to boast his new trophy to his session mates.
In the evening he takes the drum to the bar. Guys ask him "Wha's that, in the name of Jaysus?". "'Tis a drum made by Stradivarius himself, I spent all my monies on it today" - replies he. "Man, - laughs a flute player - Stradivarius made fiddles, not drums, they scr*wed you clean!" Angry bodhran player dashes out to get his hands on a cheating shopkeepers. In half hour he comes back, beaming with pride and satisfaction. "Hey, guys, the shokeeper explained everything to me! Stradivarius made fiddles for sissies, and for tough b*stard like me - he sure was making drums!"
A dead squirrel/possum/kangaroo/springbok/tapir and a dead accordianist/banjoist/bagpiper/violaist/trombonist in the road. How do you tell which is which.
Skid marks in front of the squirrel/possum/kangaroo/springbok/tapir.
Once I played tin whistle in a band with a bodhran player, guitarist and accordionist.
We performed in all kinds of exotic, obscure locations. One gig was at a small village in the far-flung Isles of Langerham. Afterwards, the mayor of the village said, "You were wonderful! I will fill all your instruments with gold coins!"
The bodhran player got rich. So did the guitarist and the accordionist. And there I was with my tin whistle.
Another time, we did a command performance for the Baron of Brackley. He said, "I've never heard such fantastic music! I will fill your instruments with the finest jewels!"
The bodhran player got rich. So did the guitarist and the accordionist. And there I was with my tin whistle.
Then one night, we played in front of a drunken crowd at a tavern in Schleswig-Holstein. A distinguished-looking fellow with a handle-bar mustache stumbled up to us and said, "You are absolutely terrible! I wish you to each take your instrument and shove it up your a**!"
The bodhran player couldn't do it. Neither could the guitarist or accordionist. But there I was with my tin whistle.
Q: What does a Trombone player us to keep track of his gigs?
A: Year-at-a-glance calender.
A Trombonist, a Banjo player, and an Accordionist were playing a gig on New Years eve. When it was done the club owner says since they were so goodand asks if they would like to come back next year. They say sure, can we leave our intruments here.
Zina, you're one of those women in Oprah's audience, smiling and nodding emphatically, sometimes also with a look of intense concern on your face, sometimes also wiping away a tear melodramatically from the corner of your eye. Yeah, now I can finally categorize you.
What, someone who has to categorize things and people and make lists obsessively, maybe write a whole load of meaningless blurb about modes and chords in obsessive detail. I'm just sooo annoying!
Hey I'm not the only one into categorizing people. Em sent me this personality thing the other day. Em, if you're reading this, I scored equally for the 4 and the 7 (coincidence?), but I also scored high for the 5, 6 and 8. So I guess that's kind of meaningless. I reckon I'm a 4.
Hey, just so's you know, won't be around for a few days -- dad's in surgery right now for his heart -- will check in if I can. If you can spare him a good thought, pls do -- gotta go pack!
A drummer is determined to learn a proper instrument so he goes to a music shop and has a look round. After a while the shopkeeper asks 'can I help you' ? Yes says the drummer, 'I'll take that red trumpet hanging on the wall, and that accordian behind the door'. The shopkeeper replies, 'You can give me £10 for the fire extinguisher, but the radiator is staying put'.
An old one.
How many folkies does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ten. One to change the bulb,four to sing about how good the old one was,and four to complain that's it's gone electric.
Various instrumental Jokes
Various instrumental Jokes
Please note that I am an accordionist, so if you want revenge, send as many insulting accordion jokes as you like.
Q: What is a burning fiddle good for?
A: Setting another fiddle on fire.
Q: How do you put a sparkle in a flautist's eye?
A: Shine a torch in their ear.
Q: How do you know when there is a percussionist at your door?
A: They knock faster and faster and then don't know when to come in.
Q: What is the definition of perfect pitch?
A: Throwing a banjo in a skip without it touching the sides.
Please add more!
# Posted on August 25th 2004 by jimbob
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
I've told all my good ones already on the other joke threads! I need more jokes.
# Posted on August 25th 2004 by Zina Lee
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
I got a few drummer jokes and some others:
Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a 401K?
A: One will eventually mature and be worth something.
Q: What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?
A: A drummer.
Q: What do you call a guy who hangs out with a band?
A: A singer.
Q: What is the difference between an accordion and an onion?
A: No one cries when you chop up the accordion.
That one works with any instrument.
Q: What is the difference between a bari sax and a chainsaw?
A: You can tune a chainsaw.
Q: What is the difference between a Banjo and a frying pan with a broomstick shoved up its arse?
A: Nothing.
# Posted on August 25th 2004 by Why Bother?
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
Q: how many accordion players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: people still play the accordian?
# Posted on August 25th 2004 by daiv
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
One I got from a professional musician who makes his living playing accordion (!):
What's the difference between a dead possum lying in the road and a dead trombonist lying in the road?
The possum might have been going to a gig.
(Works for any instrument & any type of music...)
Sara
# Posted on August 25th 2004 by sara g
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
Q: How many sopranos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the Diet Coke, and the other to get her accompanist to do it.
# Posted on August 25th 2004 by violynnsey
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
Q: How do you know the stage is level?
A: The bodhran player doesn't fall off their chair.
# Posted on August 26th 2004 by NickPhelan
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
A guy walks into a Belfast pub carrying a bag, and he orders a pint. The pub falls silent and everyone eyes the bag askance. The bartender says, "Before I give you your pint, you need to tell me what's in the bag."
Your man answers, "It's none of your bloody business what's in the bag. All I want is me pint."
Bartender answers, "I really can't give you a pint until I know what's in the bag."
The guy looks at the sea of suspicious faces that bode ill for him, so he shrugs and says, "There's fifteen pounds of plastique in there."
The noise level in the pub returns to normal, and the bartender sighs in relief and slaps a pint of Guinness down in front of him, saying, "Oh, sorry son. We were afraid it was a bodhran."
# Posted on August 26th 2004 by TheSilverSpear
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
the stage is level when the drool comes out both sides of the banjo player's mouth
the difference between an accordian and a trampoline: you take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
# Posted on August 26th 2004 by rocking bow
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
I found this one on a website last week.
Q. How do you get a violin to sound like a viola?
A. 1. Sit in the back and don't play.
2. Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.
Q. How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
A. Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Q. How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
A. Put it in a viola case.
Q. What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A. 1. The viola burns longer.
2. The viola holds more beer.
3. You can tune the violin.
Q. We all know that a viola is better than a violin because it burns longer. But why does it burn longer?
A. It's usually still in the case.
# Posted on August 26th 2004 by beano
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
And one more....
Q: How do you get two uilleann pipers to play in perfect unison?
A: Shoot one.
# Posted on August 26th 2004 by TheSilverSpear
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
You can find whole slews of instrument jokes here:
http://paul.merton.ox.ac.uk/music/other-instrument-jokes.html
Here were a couple I found amusing:
What is the difference between a bodhran player and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers.
What's the best thing to play a bodhran with?
A razor blade.
What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
The chain saw has greater dynamic range.
There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.
And my current favourite:
If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
Who cares?
# Posted on August 26th 2004 by Crysania
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
I heard this one at the Catskills:
What do you call it when 3 flute players try to play the same note?
A chord
# Posted on August 26th 2004 by JMH
Heard yesterday
A bodhran player walks into a music store. For three hours he tries out different bodhrans, but finds the sound of each of them unsatisfying. He asks the shopkeeper to bring him better bodhrans. Finally, the angry shopkeeper brings out an old marching drum and says "This is a drum made by Stradivarius himself". The bodhran player spends an odd several thousand quid on the drum and happily runs home, eager to boast his new trophy to his session mates.
In the evening he takes the drum to the bar. Guys ask him "Wha's that, in the name of Jaysus?". "'Tis a drum made by Stradivarius himself, I spent all my monies on it today" - replies he. "Man, - laughs a flute player - Stradivarius made fiddles, not drums, they scr*wed you clean!" Angry bodhran player dashes out to get his hands on a cheating shopkeepers. In half hour he comes back, beaming with pride and satisfaction. "Hey, guys, the shokeeper explained everything to me! Stradivarius made fiddles for sissies, and for tough b*stard like me - he sure was making drums!"
# Posted on August 26th 2004 by EastPole
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
Delete as appropriate:
A dead squirrel/possum/kangaroo/springbok/tapir and a dead accordianist/banjoist/bagpiper/violaist/trombonist in the road. How do you tell which is which.
Skid marks in front of the squirrel/possum/kangaroo/springbok/tapir.
# Posted on August 26th 2004 by showaddydadito
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
Am I sensing a theme here?
# Posted on August 26th 2004 by showaddydadito
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
Q. Difference between a Radox bath and a bodhranist?
A. One bucks up your feet.
Q. Difference bewteen a seamstress and a fiddler?
A. On tucks up frills
Topical one in England
Q. Whats the difference between an (ex) cathedral organist and a baby
A. One sucks his fingers.
And my favorite non-folk music one
Q. Difference between an orchestra and a cow?
A. One has horns at the front and an @rse at the rear.
# Posted on August 26th 2004 by geoffwright
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
As a bodhrán and accordion player I see myself as one notch above spoons players. I changed these jokes to suit:
How do you stop a spoons player walking around in circles?
Nail his other foot to the ground
What's the difference between a spoons player and a bucket of sh*t?
The bucket
Off topic:
Two parrots sitting on a perch. One says to the other, "Do you smell fish?"
Two Goldfish in a tank. One says to the other, "So how do you drive this thing anyway?"
# Posted on August 26th 2004 by Conán McDonnell
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
Once I played tin whistle in a band with a bodhran player, guitarist and accordionist.
We performed in all kinds of exotic, obscure locations. One gig was at a small village in the far-flung Isles of Langerham. Afterwards, the mayor of the village said, "You were wonderful! I will fill all your instruments with gold coins!"
The bodhran player got rich. So did the guitarist and the accordionist. And there I was with my tin whistle.
Another time, we did a command performance for the Baron of Brackley. He said, "I've never heard such fantastic music! I will fill your instruments with the finest jewels!"
The bodhran player got rich. So did the guitarist and the accordionist. And there I was with my tin whistle.
Then one night, we played in front of a drunken crowd at a tavern in Schleswig-Holstein. A distinguished-looking fellow with a handle-bar mustache stumbled up to us and said, "You are absolutely terrible! I wish you to each take your instrument and shove it up your a**!"
The bodhran player couldn't do it. Neither could the guitarist or accordionist. But there I was with my tin whistle.
# Posted on August 26th 2004 by sts
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
By the way, the preceding was _not_ a true story -- at least not mine.
So, what's black and blue and is found floating in the river?
A person who tells too many musician jokes.
# Posted on August 26th 2004 by sts
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
What's the definition of perfect pitch?
When you throw the accordion into the skip, it lands on the banjo.
What's the difference between a large pizza and a banjo/accordion/bodhran player?
One can feed a family of four.
# Posted on August 26th 2004 by fluter_d
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
Q. Why are concertinas better than Accordians?
A. You can fit more of them in a trash compacter
# Posted on August 26th 2004 by autumn
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
Why does everybody keep on asking me these weird questions? For the last time, people, I DON'T KNOW!
# Posted on August 26th 2004 by Q
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless
Q: How are a Violist and a bugalar similar?
A: They both come in late and don't have the key.
# Posted on August 26th 2004 by Why Bother?
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
A banjo walked into a bar...
# Posted on August 26th 2004 by Phantom Button
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
Wait! I remember one!
"Two musicians walk out of a pub."
The end.
They must be Brides and Mark on a quiet night.
# Posted on August 26th 2004 by Zina Lee
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
Zina I have seen that one before as:
An Irish man walks out of a bar.
Don't take it offensivly anyone.
# Posted on August 26th 2004 by Why Bother?
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
Q: What does a Trombone player us to keep track of his gigs?
A: Year-at-a-glance calender.
A Trombonist, a Banjo player, and an Accordionist were playing a gig on New Years eve. When it was done the club owner says since they were so goodand asks if they would like to come back next year. They say sure, can we leave our intruments here.
# Posted on August 27th 2004 by Why Bother?
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
Ok, one against harpists, like me!:
Q: How many harpists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, to twist the bulb this way and that for ages, then announce, "That's as good as it's going to get, let's switch it on"
# Posted on August 27th 2004 by Mark Harmer
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
Hi Mark! How's the hand doing? Were your ears burning not too long ago? Helen and some of us were talking about you!
# Posted on August 27th 2004 by Zina Lee
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
Q: What do you call a professional bodhran player in a suit?
A: The defendant.
# Posted on August 27th 2004 by showaddydadito
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
I thought you weren't talking to me, Dave.
Showaddydadito: What's green and brown, has six legs and will kill you if it jumps on you from out of a tree?
A: A snooker table
# Posted on August 27th 2004 by Q
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
Q: (I say listen to me when I'm talkin' to ya, boy!) What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a banjo picker/bodhran thumper/spoons player?
A: a tattoo.
G'night!!
# Posted on August 27th 2004 by Tish
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
Whats the difference between a trampoline and a banjo ?
You take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline.
Ha !
# Posted on August 27th 2004 by Pete Stephenson.
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
What's the difference between a banjo and a ukelele?
You can throw the Ukelele in the skip sideways!
# Posted on August 27th 2004 by Sarah the Flute
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
Did you hear about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra?
# Posted on August 27th 2004 by Jiml
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
Or the dyslexic devil-worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?
# Posted on August 28th 2004 by greenman
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
Sorry! Not instrumental!
Q. How many folksingers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Six. One to change it and five to sing about how good the old lightbulb was.
Nearly instrumental, maybe!
\())
# Posted on August 28th 2004 by greenman
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
Q. How many note-readers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. DON'T CHANGE IT! They can't play in the dark!
# Posted on August 28th 2004 by greenman
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
Q. How many radical feminists does it take to...
A. JUST ONE!
# Posted on August 28th 2004 by greenman
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
Q. How many radical feminists does it take to...
A. THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
P.S. I'm a feminist myself, actually.
# Posted on August 28th 2004 by Zina Lee
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
Zina, you're one of those women in Oprah's audience, smiling and nodding emphatically, sometimes also with a look of intense concern on your face, sometimes also wiping away a tear melodramatically from the corner of your eye. Yeah, now I can finally categorize you.
# Posted on August 29th 2004 by Dow
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
Q. How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?
A. Hand him some sheet music.
# Posted on August 30th 2004 by SteveM
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
You needed to categorize me?! *smirk* Ah, now I can place *your* type, Mark! hehehe
# Posted on August 30th 2004 by Zina Lee
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
What, someone who has to categorize things and people and make lists obsessively, maybe write a whole load of meaningless blurb about modes and chords in obsessive detail. I'm just sooo annoying!
# Posted on August 30th 2004 by Dow
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
Hey I'm not the only one into categorizing people. Em sent me this personality thing the other day. Em, if you're reading this, I scored equally for the 4 and the 7 (coincidence?), but I also scored high for the 5, 6 and 8. So I guess that's kind of meaningless. I reckon I'm a 4.
# Posted on August 30th 2004 by Dow
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
Hey, just so's you know, won't be around for a few days -- dad's in surgery right now for his heart -- will check in if I can. If you can spare him a good thought, pls do -- gotta go pack!
# Posted on August 30th 2004 by Zina Lee
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
Q. What's soft, warm and brown and sits on a piano stool?
A. Beethoven's first movement.
# Posted on August 30th 2004 by Shrog
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
How many flautists does it take to change a lightbulb?
2. One to take the old one out, the other to screw the new one up the tap.
# Posted on August 30th 2004 by jimbob
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
A drummer is determined to learn a proper instrument so he goes to a music shop and has a look round. After a while the shopkeeper asks 'can I help you' ? Yes says the drummer, 'I'll take that red trumpet hanging on the wall, and that accordian behind the door'. The shopkeeper replies, 'You can give me £10 for the fire extinguisher, but the radiator is staying put'.
# Posted on August 31st 2004 by Pete Stephenson.
Re: Various instrumental Jokes
An old one.
How many folkies does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ten. One to change the bulb,four to sing about how good the old one was,and four to complain that's it's gone electric.
# Posted on March 1st 2003 by dafydd