I don't know what this site's all about but I love the "Into the bar" jokes and the most hilarious was the one simply entitled "An Irishman walks out of a bar."
I just couldn't stop laughing and I hold you responsible for any ribcage damage.
How's about this one I just made up:
An alcoholic mummy goes back to a bar he's been in eight times today. Goes up to the bar and says "One for the road."
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar, and the barman says, 'Is this some kind of a joke?'
(See how long this thread lasts before Jeremy gets the Tippex out)
Man walks into a bar in the west of Ireland and says to the barman: "Which is the quickest way to Ballymac ?"
Barman: "Are you walking or do you have a car ?"
Man: "I have a car"
Barman:" Ah well then, that´s the quickest way !"
John Knoss - just got there before me.
"An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.............. and everything unfolds with a tedious predictability."
[ Bill Bailey ]
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.............. and the Irishman, the Welshman and the Scotsman all got tegther and kicked f*ck out of the Englishman.
A peice of string walks into a bar. the barman says "we don't serve string here"'
the string goes out and rolls around in the street, then goes back in.
the barman says "aren't you that string I just kicked out of here?"
the string says "no... I'm a frayed knot.
A tourist walks into a pub in Galway and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.
Free Guinness All Night For The Person Who Can Pass Our Test!
So the tourist asks the barkeep what the test is. The barkeep replies "Well, first you have to drink this whole gallon of poteen with naga peppers soaking in the bottom, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a brown bear out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."
The tourist looks incredulous and says, "As much as I would love free Guinness, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of peppered poteen, and then it just gets crazier from there. Just sell me a shot of Jamesons."
The hours pass and the tourist downs shot after shot, growing more self assured and stupefied all the while. Finally, he asks the barkeep, "Wherezz zzat poteen?"
The tourist grabs the gallon of poteen with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Then he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a horrible ruckus, roaring, crashing about, and screaming, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big bleeding scratches all over his body. He finds the barkeep and asks, "Now wherezz zzat woman with the sore tooth?"
A smartly dressed man in a suit walks into a bar and asks for a pint and a nip. He downs the pint in one then takes the nip and pours it into his top pocket, then asks for the same again. Downs the pint in one again and, again, pours the nip into his top pocket.
After ten pints and ten nips in the pocket the fella's fair legless and the barman asks him to leave. So the fella starts getting aggressive, rolls his sleeves up and calls to the barman, "Right ... You ... Outside Now".
And a wee mouse pops his head out of the fella's top pocket and shouts, "Aye ... And Bring Your F*ckin' Cat."
A Irishman, transplanted to Boston, goes into a bar and orders and quickly downs three stouts. This goes on for several days in a row.
Finally the barman asks, "Why three at a time?"
"Well", the Irishman explains, "when me and me two brothers left the old country, we vowed we'd have a drink for each other every day. So, one's for me, and the others are in honor of me two brothers."
This went on every day for several months.
One day, the Irishman comes in and orders and downs only two pints. This went on for a while, until finally, his mates, saddened by the obvious loss of one of the brothers, gathered round him and said, "Dear friend, we are so sorry for your loss. How can we help?"
A man's fiancee had a very attractive and sexy younger sister who dressed very provocatively. As the wedding got closer, the sister's behavior got more suggestive until one day, when they happened to be alone in the house. The sister said "tomorrow is the wedding and this will be your last chance. It's only us in the house and I'm going upstairs..."
The man ran straight outdoors to his car as fast as possible.
His fiancee's entire family was waiting for him at this car, saying "you passed our test! You are a faithful man. Welcome to our family"
An Indian walks into a bar with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the barman, "Me want coffee".
The barman says, "Sure chief, coming right up". He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the barman, "Me want coffee". The barman says "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for executive management job. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the sh*t, and disappear for the rest of the day."
Who said anyting about him being in America? I am just wondering why the Indian in the joke is called Tonto and talks like he is the stereotype of a native American.
A bear walks into the bar and asks "Can I have a...............................................................Guinness?" and the barman replys, "why the big paws?"
A Russian, a Mexican, and a Texan walk into a bar...
the Russain grabs a bottle of vodka, takes a big drink, throws the bottle in the air, shoots it and says, "In Russia, we have much vodka!"
The Mexican grabs a bottle of tequilla, takes an even bigger drink, throws the bottle in the air and shoots it saying, "In Mexico, we have mucho tequilla!"
The Texan grabs the Mexican, throws him out the door, shoots him and says, "In Texas we got alot of Mexicans"
A cowboy rides into town and goes into the roughest, toughest saloon and orders a whisky at the bar. The drinkers are all arguing about their various feats of bravery, laying bets and generally a-whooping and a-hollerin' . One of them slaps the cowboy on the back and asks him what he can do to show how tough he is. He looks around him and sees in the middle of the floor the spittoon, unemptied since it was last knocked over in a fight, and he said: I'll drink some of that. So he grabs it and starts to drink, draining it without stopping. There's a hush in the bar - everyone's astonished. The other guy says, well, you've proved your point but you didn't need to drink it all. So the cowboy replied: I tried to stop, but it was all in one lump.
Bloke goes into a bar with his pet newt called Tiny.
"A pint for myself and a half for Tiny, please." he asks the barman. This goes on for a few rounds, till the barman finally asks "sure, but why do you call him 'Tiny'?".
A new barman has just started work in a wild west saloon. Everything's going well - booze aplenty, piano player keeping the punters happy and the upstairs rooms are doing a great trade.
Then one afternoon a local runs in and shouts "Quick, get outta here! Big Jake's a-coming!!"
Immediately there's a stampede to get out of the bar, girls are screaming, the place is deserted within moments.
The new barman is still behind the bar, not sure what to do, when suddenly a huge guy, 7'2", built like a tank strides into the bar and, with a mean expression, says "Gimme a whiskey".
He knocks it back in one and says "Gimme another one". Again he drains it in one gulp.
By now the barman is quaking in his boots and mumbles, "Can I get you another drink sir?"
The man drawls in reply: "Nah, can't stop. Big Jake's a-coming".
Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irishman haven't see each other for a year so they meet up for a drink.
During the year all of them have had a son. Paddy Englishman says: "It's funny cause my son was born on Saint George's day so we ended up calling him George."
Paddy Scotsman says:"Man that's strange cause my son was born on St. Andrew's day and we called him Andrew."
Paddy Irishman says: "Jaysus that's exactly the same thing with my son Pancake"
A man walks into a bar, and tells the bartender to line up seven shots of his finest whiskey. The bartender does so, and procedes to watch as the man quickly goes down the line, downing each with one gulp.
The bartender says: "wow, I've never seen anyone drink like THAT"
The man replies, "you would drink like this too, if you had what I have"
Hmmm, I wasn't quite aware of the racist element in this joke - maybe because native Americans were never on our list for persecution. Now that I think of it, I don't enjoy jokes about Russians or Czechs. Let me rephrase then:
A certain unspecified individual walks into a bar with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the barman, "Can I get a coffee, please".
The barman says, "Sure, sir, coming right up". He gets the individual a tall mug of coffee, and the man drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the aforesaid gentleman returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the barman, "I would like a coffee". The barman says "Dear Sir, we're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?"
The patron smiles and says, "I'm currently training for an executive management job. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the sh*t, and disappear for the rest of the day."
A young man walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says "how would you like a drink, sir?"
The young man says "I didn't ask for one, but lovely of you to offer. A whiskey sounds nice."
The bartender serves the drink, which the young man consumes in one gulp, and says "that'll be $4.50."
The young man says "but you offered me a drink, and didn't say anything about payment. I even made it clear that I didn't ask for one. Doesn't that make it a free drink?"
The bartender says "come on buddy. Pay up."
The young man says "seriously. I'm a law student, and the way our conversation went, it's reasonable for me to assume that you were offering a free drink. Perhaps it was a misunderstanding, but I don't have the $4.50."
The bartender says "okay, you smart-ass law student. I see your game. Get out of my bar and don't come back."
A few months later, the same young man comes into the bar. The bartender recognizes the young man and immediately says "I thought I told you not to come back to my bar. I'm not serving you. Get out."
The young man says "I'm sorry, sir, but I don't recall ever having been here before."
The bartender says "Yeah, right, buddy. I remember you. You're not tricking me into any free drinks this time, just get out.
The young man says "Really, sir. I really don't recall ever having stepped foot in here or even having driven by the place."
The bartender scratches his head and says "well, then, you must have a double."
The young man responds "thank you, make that whiskey, please."
Guy walks into a bar in Glasgow - he's got a chihuahua on a leash. Goes up to the barman, and tries to order a pint, but the barman says, "Sorry sir, we don't allow dogs in the bar, but there is a rail outside that you can tie your dog to. It'll be OK".
"Fine", says the guy, goes out and ties up the dog, comes back in and orders a pint.
He finishes his pint, and goes back outside to get the chihuahua. Two minutes later he comes back in to the bar and shouts out "Who here owns the rottweiler that's tied up outside ?". A bloke at the bar turns round and says, "He's mine. Why ? What's wrong ?"
The guy says, "It's deid".
"What d'ye mean, it's deid - what happened to it ?"
"My chihuahua killed it".
"Your chihuahua killed my rottweiler ? How the f##k did it do that ?"
"It got stuck in its' throat"
Guy walks into the Wavecrest Bar in Wexford with an old manky looking mongrel dog on the end of a piece of binder twine.The barman says "Get that bloody yoke outta here fer Jayzis sake ! we don' allow no dogs in here ".The dog owner says " Hey now hold on a minnit ..dis aint no ordinary auld dog , this auld fella can play any musical instrument youze care to mention , " The barman hands over a tin whistle from under the counter and the dog proceeds to play the first part of The Bucks of Oranmore on it. Totally amazed another patron dashes home and returns with a 2 row box.The dog plays a set of reels on it. Further patrons rush out and return with a motley selection of various musical instruments .The dog effortlessly plays them all until a guy proffers a set of bagpipes . The dog struggles with the set of bagpipes for a half an hour and then walks into the corner , curls up and starts to lick its balls. When the owner brings the dog home later that night he asks it angrily "Why the hell didn't you play that yoke ? , you let me down badly!" The dog looks up and says "Play it ? PLAY IT? I was trying to get the f**K**G knickers off it !"
There was one posted in a thread here a while ago and at least it had a music theme. I'll try not to make too great a hash of it (and apologies to the original poster):
There's a session in full swing and there are 5 strummers, 6 bodhranistas, 7 spoon-players and 8 susato-wielders all giving it some, so Pat, Mike and Kevin go outside for a smoke. They're standing there, sharing thoughts of old times when a leprechaun appears and grants them three wishes, one each. So Pat says, I wish I was back in Galway with my old friends, having a couple of drinks and playing a few tunes. So his wish is granted, and in a puff of smoke, he's gone. Then it's Mike's turn, and he says, I wish I was back in County Clare, having a drink and playing a few tunes, and in a flash, he's gone too! So then it's Kevin's turn, and he has a ponder, and then says, I'm feeling lonely now Pat and Mike have gone. I wish they were back again.
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me darlin' wife!"
And with that, Paddy was crowned the winner of the night's toasting contest at the pub.
That evening, quite boastfu,l he bragged to his wife he had won the contest and several free pints afterwards.
"What did you say to win it? his wife asked.
"Em," Paddy stammered, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Och, isn't that lovely!" Paddy's wife beamed.
The next day, one of Paddy's bar-mates saw Paddy's wife at the bus stop.
"Yer husband won with quite a toast last night!" The man grinned lustily
"Aye - I couldn't believe it meself!" she began, "He's only been down there twice in the past year, and the last time I practically had to pull his ears to make him come..."
Okay. Guy comes in and sits at the bar, then helps a one foot tall, tuxedo'd little man up onto the stool next to him. After they have a drink the tiny man climbs up onto the bar top, runs the length of it, clambers down to the floor then heads over to the piano, which he begins to play brilliantly.
Bartender sidles over to the guy at the bar, nods toward the little man and asks, so what’s his story?
Well, the guy at the bar says, last night I leave a bar after I have a few too many and I stumble into an alley where I find a magic lantern. I rub it and the genie comes out saying he’ll grant me three wishes. First I ask for a million bucks, but I was sloshed and slurry, so suddenly a million ducks are quacking overhead instead. Then I asked for the biggest house in town, but I was sloshed and slurry, so next thing a huge Clydesdale is nuzzling the top of my head.
Bartender stops the guy and says, Let me guess. You didn’t actually ask for a twelve inch pianist.
there's a variation on that one, PureDrops, where the guys orders a drink and this little foot tall man jumps out and kicks it over. So the man orders another and the little fellow kicks that one over, too
So when we asks for a third one, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, what's with this little guy kicking over your drinks?"
He says "I once ran into a genie and he granted me 3 wishes. I wished for a million dollars, then I wished for a big limosine...but then I screwed up, I asked for a 12 inch pr*ck, and that's him!"
A panda walks into a bar, orders a bar meal which it finishes up, takes out a pistol and shoots it a couple times, then leaves the bar. Everyone at the bar, who had dove under tables, looks around, astounded and confused. One of the patrons says to the bartender, "What the f*ck was that?" The barman looks up "panda" on his iPhone and it is described on Wikipedia as "A mammal in the bear family. Eats shoots and leaves."
This fella from back east goes into a dusty old bar in the American west. He walks in and sees nothing but men and sheep. Men talking to sheep, men buying sheep drinks, men dancing with sheep...so he asks the bartender, "excuse me, but I'm from out of town, what's with all these sheep?"
The bartender says, "out here in the west, we found that sheep are better than women in alot of ways"
The fella says, "you know, I left the east and came out west over troubles with a woman. How does a fella go about getting himself a sheep?"
The bartender directs him to this sheep pen on the edge of town, and he goes out there and picks himself out a nice, well built sheep and goes back to the bar.
When he walks in, everyone stops what they are doing and glares angrily at him. He goes over to the bartender and says, "what's wrong? I thought you said it was ok to bring a sheep in here?"
The bartender leans closer and says, "Mister, that's the sheriff's girl!"
… When the stranger walks back into the bar with his sheep, the other men break into uproarious laughter. He leans over to the bartender and asks, “Why are they laughing at me?”
Bartenders says, between guffaws, “Mister, you picked the ugliest one!”
Paddy is sitting at the bar minding his own business, when all of a sudden a thug smacks him in the face an says "that's KUNG FU" from Japan.
A bit later the thug smacks him again an says that's "KARATE" from Korea.
Paddy leaves the bar. He returns after a while, smacks the thug knocks him out cold. Says to the barman "when that fella wakes up tell him that was a SHOVEL from B&Q/Walmart.............
A well-dressed businessman walks into a tough bar and orders a martini. The bartender whispers to him that he’s going to get beat up by the group of bikers drinking at the other end of the bar if he stays long. While drinking his martini, the businessman begins to talk into his right hand. The bartender asks him what he’s doing, and he says, “I’ve had a cell phone implanted in my hand.” “Christ,” says the bartender, “cut it out. These guys are absolutely going to kill you if they see that crap.” While drinking another martini, the businessman begins staring closely at his left palm. The bartender again asks him what he’s doing, and he replies, “I’ve got a screen in my hand that shows the latest market reports, see.” “Good Lord, stop it!” cries the barman. “You’re a dead man if those bikers see that.” The man excuses himself to use the facilities, and the bartender becomes concerned when he hasn’t come back in fifteen minutes. He goes into the men’s room to check on the businessman, and is shocked to see him up against the wall, pants around his ankles, with a roll of toilet paper shoved up his arse. “Oh hell, man, I told you they’d mess you up! Why didn’t you listen to me?” The businessman replied: “It’s okay, I’m just receiving a fax.”
A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, "Sure, that'll be 10p."
"Ten pence!?" exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?"
"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be 50p."
"Fifty pence!?" cries the man. "You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."
Old Blue was a good dog who lived at the pub on the corner. He was very popular with all the regulars, always greeting them as they entered and escorting them to their favourite stool or table then quietly laying in his favourite corner until it
was time to bid farewell to everybody.
After a long and happy life Old Blue passed away, much to the sadness of the publican and the clientele. They had a bit of a discussion concerning the most appropriate way to remember such a wonderful dog and decided that they would keep his tail and hang it on the wall above Blue's favourite resting place.
Old Blue made it as far as The Pearly Gates and met Saint Peter. "Ah Blue," the Saint greeted him, "We've been expecting you but where is your tail? I'm very sorry but you're not allowed into Heaven unless you're physically intact." Blue explained where his tail had gone but Saint Peter was adamant. "Sorry Blue, you'll have to go back and get it." he instructed.
So Old Blue went back down to the pub and, considerate dog that he was, waited outside until after closing time rather than risk scaring the drinkers. When the last one had left he slipped inside and found his former master who was, as you would expect, very surprised but none-the-less very pleased to see the faithful dog.
"What are you doing here?" he asked whereupon Blue told him what Saint Peter had said and asked for his tail back.
The Publican replied. "I would love to help you of course Blue, but I can't. You know I would loose my licence if I was caught re-tailing spirits after hours."
Two men were walking their dogs past a bar.
"Lets go in," said one.
"They won't let our dogs in," replied the other.
But the first man said, "Watch this," and he put on sunglasses and walked into the bar.
"You can't bring that dog in here," shouted the barkeep.
"But he is a service dog, I am blind," replied the man.
"Oh I am so sorry," said the bartender, finding him a seat and giving him a drink.
So the second man puts on his sunglasses and enters the bar.
"Hey," says the bartender, "no dogs allowed."
"But he's a service dog," the man protested, "because I can't see."
"Since when," said the bartender, "is a Chihuahua a service dog?"
Thinking fast, the man answered, "What? They gave me a Chihuahua?"
Irishman, Englishman and a German walk up to the bar and each order a pint. Soon as the pints are set down three flies fly in the door and land smack dab in the middle of the pints. German squashes the fly between his fingers, throws it on the floor and downs the pint in one gulp. Englishman picks up the pint, gives it back and says "bartender, please pour me another pint, this one is soiled." Irish man picks up the fly by the wings, holds it over the pint and yells " SPIT IT OUT YA FEKKER !! "
Two men walk into a bar. The first one says "I saw you out with your girlfriend last night, she's quite attractive" the second one says "yes and I'm in with her twin too" the first one says "oh really? how do you tell them apart?" the second one replied "her brother has a moustache".
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
Aguy in a bar is getting so drunk the barman dosen't want to serve him any more. So the guy says : look, I'm not drunk : see that cat coming in the bar ? I can see his two eyes. If I was drunk, I'd see four !
The barman answer : I'm sorry sir, but the cat isn't coming in, it's going out...
A duck walked into a pub and ordered a pork pie and half a pint. Naturally the publican was somewhat taken aback and said "You're a duck. You can talk."
"That's right" the duck replied, "now can I have my lunch?"
The next day the duck returned for lunch so the publican asked where he was from.
"I work on the building site just across the road." he replied.
The lunch time visits became routine.
The following a week a circus arrived in town and after setting up, the performers came to the pub for a few beers. The publican got talking with the circus manager and told him about the duck. The manager was very excited, saying that he thought they would be able to use him so the publican promised to ask the duck if he was interested.
Next day the publican told the duck "The circus down the road is very interested in you and would like to offer you a job."
"Hmmm," said the duck, "the circus. That's the place with the animals and the big tents isn't it?"
"That's right." the publican replied
"And they want to offer me a job?"
"Yes."
"Why?" the duck enquired "what do they want a bricklayer for?"
A penguin walks into a bar and says to the bartender
"Have you seen my brother, has he been in for a drink today?"
The bartender looks down at the penguin and says
"I dunno. What's he look like?"
A guy walks into a saloon in the Wild West, sits at the bar and orders a drink.
The barman gives him his drink and he sips away happily.
While drinking he notices that there is no one else in the bar so to make conversation he says to the barman “It’s very quiet in here today”.
The barman says “They’ve all gone to the hanging”.
“Who’s being hanged”?, says our man.
“Brown Paper Pete” says the barman.
“That’s a funny name, why is he called that”? says our man.
“Because he dresses in clothes made from brown paper. Brown paper trousers, brown paper shirts, brown paper socks, and so on.” Says the barman.
“Strange”, says our man. “What’s he being hanged for”?
“ Rustling”.
Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of his old red Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first to the right, then to the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his braces fall down
from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and
with a final flourish he hurls his cap on to a pile of hay.
"What on earth are you doing, Mick?" says Paddy.
"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me!" says an obviously embarrassed Mick.
"But me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do
something sexy to a tractor! "
A man walks into a bar with a 'reasonably small crocodile'
The barman says " No dangerous animals allowed in here"
The man says "This crocodile isn't dangerous, in fact I trust it so much I bet you twenty euro I could put my member in its mouth and leave it there for at least thirty seconds (notice use of Euro which depicts where this event is happening)
The barman takes him up on the bet and the man gently places his member in the crocodile's mouth. The crowd gasp as the crocodile closes it mouth. The man counts up to thirty and then taps the croc' on the head with an empty bottle to make it open its mouth. He then challenges anyone in the bar to have a go, A woman stands up and says I'll give it a go, but don't hit me so hard on the head with the bottle.
A customer who has too much to drink gets up from his barstool to go to the men's room.
A few seconds after the door shuts behind him, this terrible scream comes from the men's room.
Everybody in the bar looks in that direction but no one says anything.
A minute or two later, another equally horrendous and terrible scream comes from inside the men's room.
This is too much for the bartender who tells the man to quit screaming because he is scaring the other customers in the bar.
From inside the men's room, the customer says, "I can't help it. Everytime I try to flush the toilet, something comes up and squeezes my b***s."
When the bartender hears this, he walks over to the men's room and opens the door to look in. The bartender says to the customer, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
'A man walks into a bar with a 'reasonably small crocodile'
Well, a man walked into a bar on the Falls Road with an extremely large crocodile under his arm. The barman took no notice, as they generally do in bars on the Falls Road, and continued to wipe the bar's surface with something that might have been once been a rag, but for the odd shimmer of red, white and blue appearing occasionally.
"Excuse me," said the customer, "but do you serve Brits?"
The barman's eyes narrowed and he glanced quickly around the hostelry, taking in the only customers in the place, a pair of old geezers checking the form in 'The Sporting Life'.
"Sure," he said eventually, "we serve anybody."
"That's grand," said the customer, "then give me a Guinness and a couple of Brits for the crocodile."
A farmer walks into a bar carrying a pig with a wooden leg. The bartender asks, "How did that pig get a wooden leg?"
The farmer tells him, "That is a great pig. One time the tractor overturned on top of me. This pig managed to get out of his pen and run over to me. After getting his nose under the tractor, he managed to lift it up long enough for me to get out from under it."
The bartender said, "Yes, but how did the pig get a wooden leg?"
The farmer tells him, "This is a great pig. One time our house caught on fire. This pig managed to get out of his pen and run to the house and pull everybody out. He surely saved the entire family from dying in the fire."
The bartender said, "Yes, but how did the pig get a wooden leg?"
The farmer tells him, "This is a great pig. One time my little toddler crawled out on the highway. A big truck was speeding towards him, surely going to run over the kid. This pig ran out onto the highway and pushed the kid out of the way just in time to save his life."
The bartender said, a little more exasperated, "Yes, but how did the pig get a wooden leg?"
The farmer said, "With a pig that great, you don't want to eat him all at once."
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.
" Och back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"
" Oi In moi pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fah two pint's of Guiness and they give me a fhird one fah free!"
" Bejazshiz lads That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Limerick , you walks up to de bar, they gives you de first pint fer free, deh second pint fer free, an' deh turd pint fer free -- and then they takes you upstairs and you have sex fer FREE!"
"Is that really true Sheamus ?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"
", well .. no no," says the Irishman, "but , but it happens to me sister all deh time!"
A harp seal goes into a bar.
"What'll ya have?" asks the bartender.
The seal thinks for a minute and says, "I'll take anything, as long as it's not a Canadian Club.
Clearly for music theory folks this is the worst bar joke of all time:
A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar.
The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."
So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat.
An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes.
The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development."
This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au naturel.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - and closes the bar.
I was taking part in a pub quiz the other night and was leading all the way until the last question which was "Where do women have short tight curly hair?" I got the answer wrong and lost by one lousy point. Seemingly the correct answer was 'Africa'
A man walks into a bar and says "drinks are on me!"
"What's the occasion?" says the barman
"I finished my jigsaw puzzle early" say the man.
"Oh," says the barman, "and how long did it take you?..."
"Two years" says the man
"That sounds like a long time to spend on a jigsaw puzzle!" says the barman.
"Shows all you know..." says the man "on the box it said 4 to 6 years!"
A man walks into a bar that's full of rough motorbiker types. He sits at the bar and orders a soft drink. The bikers make various comments about him, and why he's not drinking a "real" drink, and he just smiles and says nothing. Eventually he finishes his drink, gets up, nods to the bikers, and leaves.
One of the bikers says to the barman: "He's not much of a man is he - didn't say anything at all to defend himself, just sat there and took all our abuse"
Bartender: "He's not much of a driver either. He's just reversed his truck over 20 motorbikes"
A priest, a preacher and a Rabbi walked into their favourite bar, where they would get together two or three times a week for drinks and to talk shop.
On this particular afternoon, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
If you are eating a tuna fish sandwich, what key do you eat it in?
One of the comments in this discussion thread reminded me of that joke so I decided to share it although it has nothing to do with bars that serve alcoholic beverages.
Speaking of alcoholic beverages.....it is possible to be an alcoholic without drinking anything at all. If you like the locomotive engines produced by the American Locomotive Company (otherwise known as ALCO), you might be an ALCOholic and not know it.
Do you remember Old Blue, the dog who lived in the pub? I told you about him a couple of days ago. Well, he didn't always belong to the publican. Back when he was not much more than a pup he belonged to Bert, a local fisherman.
Every evening Bert would take Blue to the pub and order a pint for himself and a whiskey for Blue. One day Bert fell ill and couldn't go to the pub for over a week but Blue still went along by himself. The publican would give Blue his whiskey and the dog would happily trot home.
When Bert was fit again he resumed his nightly visits, thanked the publican for looking after Blue in his absence, and paid Blue's tab. "I'd like to give you this as a way of saying thank you" Bert told the publican, and placed a large lobster on the bar.
"That's lovely" said the publican, "I'll take that home for dinner"
The lobster looked up and said "I've already had dinner, couldn't we go to the movies?"
In a pub, this customer says to the bartender,
"I heard this grand joke today. There's these two Irishmen, see..."
"Hold it!" says the bartender.
"What?" says the customer.
"You see the bouncer over there?"
"Yeah , what about him?"
"His name is Flynn."
"yeah?"
"And, you see the cook ovr there?"
"Yeah."
"HIs name is Murphy."
"I see."
"And you see that man down the bar, the big guy?"
"Uh-huh."
"HIs name is Sullivan. And mine is Clancy. So, tell me now -
do you still want to tell that joke about the two Irishmen?"
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
... Guy goes into a bar with an octopus in a bucket. He plonks the bucket on the bar, and proclaims, "For free beer, this octopus will play any instrument you give it!" ... http://www.thesession.org/discussions/display/10853/comments#comment224048
August 8th 2006 by Zazzaliss
Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy."
The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"
Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." With that he pulls out a little 3-inch man from his pocket.
The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?" "Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some," Rodney retorted. So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing," says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?" Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey Al, go get that quarter!" The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back and gives it to Rodney.
The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's a hoot," he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure he talks --too bloody much. Hey Al, tell him about that time we were in Africa on safari and you told that witch doctor to go f**k himself!"
i can't tell a joke to save my life, but made up a good Bill & Ben one decades ago, when you consider that they live in seperate plant pots but beside one another (so not much room for escape) _
bill to ben (in slobber dob): ''knock knock?''
ben (slobber dob): ''who's there?''
bill (slob dob): ''f*** off!''
I didn't like Andy Pandy. I can remember distinctly thinking there was something funny going on betwen Andy and Teddy, and I didn't like it. I think I felt sorry for poor old gooseberry, Looby Loo.
I liked Bill and Ben right enough, though I can remember being scared of the gardener, but my favourite was the Woodentops.
And last but not least, the very biggest spotty dog you ever did see ... Ah, those were the days ...
For those too young too be part of this 'discussion' or from foreign climes, the BBC ran an ever-repeating cycle of children's TV shows from the early 1950s called 'Watch with Mother' (a sort of adjunct to the radio series 'Listen with Mother').
There were five regular slots:
Mondays - 'Picture Book', featuring Ireland's own Patricia Driscoll (who went on to play Maid Marian in the ITV series 'The Adventures of Robin Hood') - it was a very dull 'make-your-own' precursor to 'Blue Peter';
Tuesdays - 'Andy Pandy', a troilistic affair involving a marionette, a rag doll and a teddy bear who all occupied the same picnic basket;
Wednesdays - 'Flower Pot Men', which featured two barely credible string-puppets made of flower pots and a 'flower' called 'Little Weed'. The 'men' always misbehaved, with the threat of being discovered by the gardener and 'Was it Bill or was it Ben' was usually the closing line.
Thursdays - 'Rag, Tag and Bobtail' in which a hedgehog, mouse and rabbit become embroiled in preposterous tales (it was around this time that I discovered Class A drugs, but they didn't improve the storylines);
and, finally,
Fridays (and best of the lot) - 'The Woodentops' , a family of wooden dolls, augmented by the aforementioned Spotty Dog, Buttercup the Cow and Mrs. (no name ever given) and Sam Scrubbit who all lived (or worked) on a farm.
Personally, I regarded the arrival of 'Tales from the Riverbank' (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tales_from_the_Riverbank) as akin to Godard's 'A Bout de Souffle' in the Home Counties voiced world of BBC children's television.
"'Was it Bill or was it Ben' was usually the closing line."
Ah yes. The tension of not knowing which one it was! I can't help thinking that this psychological tension-building for kids was a direct precursor to not knowing which shape window it was going to be on Play School, something that grown men would bet on before each show.
Listen With Mother was on the Home Service at a quarter to two, just before Woman's Hour. It was wonderful, with presenters such as Daphne Oxenford, Dorothy Smith or Julia Lang at the helm, reading the stories, always starting with "Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin!" The nursery rhymes were sung by Eileen Browne and George Dixon (no, not that one) and the introductory theme was the Berceuse from the Dolly Suite by Gabriel Fauré. Eileen did the voice of Jenny in the Woodentops. Good old Beeb!
There were those who enjoyed paying attention so they knew if it was Bill or Ben watching for the often contrived turn to show the label on the back; there were those felt the stress when they realised they had forgotten that the question would be asked; and there were those who came to realise they couldn't give a monkeys which it was and went forward in life not bothering much about man-made puzzles (and maybe thinking they were a feature of the Home Counties).
An Amerrican walks into an ancient, filthy and decrepit pub somewhere in Belfast. The pub is full of ancient filthy and decrepit drinkers who sit about and say f**k all for long periods of time.
The newcomer sits down, gets a pint, and is wondering where the legendary Irish craic and wit is, when suddenly one of the sodden up and says "TWENTY FECKING SEVEN!"
With this, the entire bar bursts into raucous laughter, which then dies back down to utter silence.
Near the end of the American's pint, another geezer grabs his cane, stands up, sways, and bellows "FORTY FECKING TWO!" which provokes another pub-wide roar of laughter.
The Yankee asks the bartender what's up, and the bartender says "well now these old blodgers, they've been coming here so long they've heard and told all the jokes a thousand times. They've given each joke a number, see, and so instead of having to work through the entire joke, they just say the number."
The Yankee finishes his pint, stands up, and yells "NINETY-EIGHT!" at the top of his lungs. There is dead silence in the pub. None of the wizened Irish drinkers even looks up.
"Wha?" asks the Yankee to nobody in particular.
Then an old coot pipes up. "There's them that can tell a joke...and them that can't."
Mahoneys wife has to go out of town for the day on a business trip. The last thing she says to her husband is to not go out to the bar in her absence. As soon as the wife is gone he heads down to Clancys pub.
After spending most of the day there he decides he'd better get back on home. He gets up from the bar takes a few steps and falls flat on his face. Gets up, takes a few more steps and again, falls flat on his face. All the way home for three blocks its up down up down until he finally makes it home just after he gets in the house his wife shows up. She walks in the door just as the phone was ringing. She answers it and hangs up after a short conversations. She looks at Mahoney and says,
"So you went to Clancys pub after all did ya.?"
"Well yes dear,"said Mahoney, "but how did you know? "
"That was the barman on the phone calling to say you left your wheel chair there!"
The best bar joke
The best bar joke
I don't know what this site's all about but I love the "Into the bar" jokes and the most hilarious was the one simply entitled "An Irishman walks out of a bar."
I just couldn't stop laughing and I hold you responsible for any ribcage damage.
How's about this one I just made up:
An alcoholic mummy goes back to a bar he's been in eight times today. Goes up to the bar and says "One for the road."
Bartender says Tut, tut, tut."
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by tonbo
Re: The best bar joke
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar, and the barman says, 'Is this some kind of a joke?'
(See how long this thread lasts before Jeremy gets the Tippex out)
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by gam
Re: The best bar joke
A dyslexic walks into a bra
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by Mark Harmer
Re: The best bar joke
I walked into a bar last night, got a terrible headache.
It was an iron bar...
With and fond memories of Tommy Cooper.
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by john knoss
Re: The best bar joke
that should be 'with thanks to....'
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by john knoss
Re: The best bar joke
Shakespear walks into a bar .
Your bard says the landlord
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by bazouki dave
Re: The best bar joke
Man walks into a bar in the west of Ireland and says to the barman: "Which is the quickest way to Ballymac ?"
Barman: "Are you walking or do you have a car ?"
Man: "I have a car"
Barman:" Ah well then, that´s the quickest way !"
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by murfbox
Re: The best bar joke
John Knoss - just got there before me.
"An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.............. and everything unfolds with a tedious predictability."
[ Bill Bailey ]
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by Kenny
Re: The best bar joke
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.............. and the Irishman, the Welshman and the Scotsman all got tegther and kicked f*ck out of the Englishman.
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by ...
Re: The best bar joke
together
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by ...
Re: The best bar joke
A peice of string walks into a bar. the barman says "we don't serve string here"'
the string goes out and rolls around in the street, then goes back in.
the barman says "aren't you that string I just kicked out of here?"
the string says "no... I'm a frayed knot.
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by mainiac
Re: The best bar joke
Descartes walked into a bar and the barman said to him:
"Are you thirsty ?"
Descartes replied: "I don´t think I am" .......and disappeared !
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by murfbox
Re: The best bar joke
With apologies to any first year philosophy students who will have heard that one about a million times already !
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by murfbox
Re: The best bar joke
Cyrano de Bergerac walks into a bar, and the barman says, "why the long face?"
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by ...
Re: The best bar joke
A tourist walks into a pub in Galway and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.
Free Guinness All Night For The Person Who Can Pass Our Test!
So the tourist asks the barkeep what the test is. The barkeep replies "Well, first you have to drink this whole gallon of poteen with naga peppers soaking in the bottom, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a brown bear out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."
The tourist looks incredulous and says, "As much as I would love free Guinness, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of peppered poteen, and then it just gets crazier from there. Just sell me a shot of Jamesons."
The hours pass and the tourist downs shot after shot, growing more self assured and stupefied all the while. Finally, he asks the barkeep, "Wherezz zzat poteen?"
The tourist grabs the gallon of poteen with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Then he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a horrible ruckus, roaring, crashing about, and screaming, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big bleeding scratches all over his body. He finds the barkeep and asks, "Now wherezz zzat woman with the sore tooth?"
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by Will Harmon
Re: The best bar joke
A smartly dressed man in a suit walks into a bar and asks for a pint and a nip. He downs the pint in one then takes the nip and pours it into his top pocket, then asks for the same again. Downs the pint in one again and, again, pours the nip into his top pocket.
After ten pints and ten nips in the pocket the fella's fair legless and the barman asks him to leave. So the fella starts getting aggressive, rolls his sleeves up and calls to the barman, "Right ... You ... Outside Now".
And a wee mouse pops his head out of the fella's top pocket and shouts, "Aye ... And Bring Your F*ckin' Cat."
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by ...
Re: The best bar joke
There is just no way to follow that one, Will.
So here is a pathetic attempt:
A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Come on, why not? I'm a fungi!"
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by DrSilverSpear
Re: The best bar joke
llig - love the mouse one. brilliant.
Here's mine.
A Irishman, transplanted to Boston, goes into a bar and orders and quickly downs three stouts. This goes on for several days in a row.
Finally the barman asks, "Why three at a time?"
"Well", the Irishman explains, "when me and me two brothers left the old country, we vowed we'd have a drink for each other every day. So, one's for me, and the others are in honor of me two brothers."
This went on every day for several months.
One day, the Irishman comes in and orders and downs only two pints. This went on for a while, until finally, his mates, saddened by the obvious loss of one of the brothers, gathered round him and said, "Dear friend, we are so sorry for your loss. How can we help?"
"Oh, nobody died," says he. "I quit drinking."
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by sara505sings
Re: The best bar joke
A man's fiancee had a very attractive and sexy younger sister who dressed very provocatively. As the wedding got closer, the sister's behavior got more suggestive until one day, when they happened to be alone in the house. The sister said "tomorrow is the wedding and this will be your last chance. It's only us in the house and I'm going upstairs..."
The man ran straight outdoors to his car as fast as possible.
His fiancee's entire family was waiting for him at this car, saying "you passed our test! You are a faithful man. Welcome to our family"
Moral- always keep your condoms in your car.
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by Greg the Piano Tuner
Where does the bar come into this ? Greg
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by bazouki dave
Re: The best bar joke
This topologist walks into and out of a bar...
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by Piece
Re: The best bar joke
An Indian walks into a bar with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the barman, "Me want coffee".
The barman says, "Sure chief, coming right up". He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the barman, "Me want coffee". The barman says "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for executive management job. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the sh*t, and disappear for the rest of the day."
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by Janek
Re: The best bar joke
Did you mean Injun? I was trying to work out what someone from the subcontinent of India was doin in America's wild west
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by ...
Re: The best bar joke
Who said anyting about him being in America? I am just wondering why the Indian in the joke is called Tonto and talks like he is the stereotype of a native American.
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by No Cause For Alarm
Re: The best bar joke
A bear walks into the bar and asks "Can I have a...............................................................Guinness?" and the barman replys, "why the big paws?"
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by bogman
Re: The best bar joke
...and as to the rest of the national stereotyping in this thread, No Cause?
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by TomB-R
Re: The best bar joke
A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician are sitting in a bar, looking at an empty house opposite.
They see two people enter the house, and a short while later they see three people leave.
The biologist says 'They must have reproduced."
The physicist says "Experimental error. Our observations must be wrong."
The mathematician says "If one person enters the house now, then it will be empty again."
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by skreech
Re: The best bar joke
A Russian, a Mexican, and a Texan walk into a bar...
the Russain grabs a bottle of vodka, takes a big drink, throws the bottle in the air, shoots it and says, "In Russia, we have much vodka!"
The Mexican grabs a bottle of tequilla, takes an even bigger drink, throws the bottle in the air and shoots it saying, "In Mexico, we have mucho tequilla!"
The Texan grabs the Mexican, throws him out the door, shoots him and says, "In Texas we got alot of Mexicans"
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by Nate Ryan
Re: The best bar joke
A cowboy rides into town and goes into the roughest, toughest saloon and orders a whisky at the bar. The drinkers are all arguing about their various feats of bravery, laying bets and generally a-whooping and a-hollerin' . One of them slaps the cowboy on the back and asks him what he can do to show how tough he is. He looks around him and sees in the middle of the floor the spittoon, unemptied since it was last knocked over in a fight, and he said: I'll drink some of that. So he grabs it and starts to drink, draining it without stopping. There's a hush in the bar - everyone's astonished. The other guy says, well, you've proved your point but you didn't need to drink it all. So the cowboy replied: I tried to stop, but it was all in one lump.
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by RichardB
Re: The best bar joke
Bloke goes into a bar with his pet newt called Tiny.
"A pint for myself and a half for Tiny, please." he asks the barman. This goes on for a few rounds, till the barman finally asks "sure, but why do you call him 'Tiny'?".
The bloke answers "Because he's my newt".
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by domhnall.
Re: The best bar joke
A new barman has just started work in a wild west saloon. Everything's going well - booze aplenty, piano player keeping the punters happy and the upstairs rooms are doing a great trade.
Then one afternoon a local runs in and shouts "Quick, get outta here! Big Jake's a-coming!!"
Immediately there's a stampede to get out of the bar, girls are screaming, the place is deserted within moments.
The new barman is still behind the bar, not sure what to do, when suddenly a huge guy, 7'2", built like a tank strides into the bar and, with a mean expression, says "Gimme a whiskey".
He knocks it back in one and says "Gimme another one". Again he drains it in one gulp.
By now the barman is quaking in his boots and mumbles, "Can I get you another drink sir?"
The man drawls in reply: "Nah, can't stop. Big Jake's a-coming".
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by Conán McDonnell
Re: The best bar joke
A horse walks into a bar and the barman says 'why the long face' and he replies 'because im nicholas cage'
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by sensibleken
Re: The best bar joke
Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irishman haven't see each other for a year so they meet up for a drink.
During the year all of them have had a son. Paddy Englishman says: "It's funny cause my son was born on Saint George's day so we ended up calling him George."
Paddy Scotsman says:"Man that's strange cause my son was born on St. Andrew's day and we called him Andrew."
Paddy Irishman says: "Jaysus that's exactly the same thing with my son Pancake"
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by sensibleken
Re: The best bar joke
A man walks into a bar, and tells the bartender to line up seven shots of his finest whiskey. The bartender does so, and procedes to watch as the man quickly goes down the line, downing each with one gulp.
The bartender says: "wow, I've never seen anyone drink like THAT"
The man replies, "you would drink like this too, if you had what I have"
"Man... What do you have?" said the bartender.
Man: "$0.65"
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by Georgi
Re: The best bar joke
Paddy Irishman walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by sensibleken
Re: The best bar joke
Hmmm, I wasn't quite aware of the racist element in this joke - maybe because native Americans were never on our list for persecution. Now that I think of it, I don't enjoy jokes about Russians or Czechs. Let me rephrase then:
A certain unspecified individual walks into a bar with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the barman, "Can I get a coffee, please".
The barman says, "Sure, sir, coming right up". He gets the individual a tall mug of coffee, and the man drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the aforesaid gentleman returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the barman, "I would like a coffee". The barman says "Dear Sir, we're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?"
The patron smiles and says, "I'm currently training for an executive management job. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the sh*t, and disappear for the rest of the day."
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by Janek
Re: The best bar joke
A young man walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says "how would you like a drink, sir?"
The young man says "I didn't ask for one, but lovely of you to offer. A whiskey sounds nice."
The bartender serves the drink, which the young man consumes in one gulp, and says "that'll be $4.50."
The young man says "but you offered me a drink, and didn't say anything about payment. I even made it clear that I didn't ask for one. Doesn't that make it a free drink?"
The bartender says "come on buddy. Pay up."
The young man says "seriously. I'm a law student, and the way our conversation went, it's reasonable for me to assume that you were offering a free drink. Perhaps it was a misunderstanding, but I don't have the $4.50."
The bartender says "okay, you smart-ass law student. I see your game. Get out of my bar and don't come back."
A few months later, the same young man comes into the bar. The bartender recognizes the young man and immediately says "I thought I told you not to come back to my bar. I'm not serving you. Get out."
The young man says "I'm sorry, sir, but I don't recall ever having been here before."
The bartender says "Yeah, right, buddy. I remember you. You're not tricking me into any free drinks this time, just get out.
The young man says "Really, sir. I really don't recall ever having stepped foot in here or even having driven by the place."
The bartender scratches his head and says "well, then, you must have a double."
The young man responds "thank you, make that whiskey, please."
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by Jimmy B
Re: The best bar joke
Guy walks into a bar in Glasgow - he's got a chihuahua on a leash. Goes up to the barman, and tries to order a pint, but the barman says, "Sorry sir, we don't allow dogs in the bar, but there is a rail outside that you can tie your dog to. It'll be OK".
"Fine", says the guy, goes out and ties up the dog, comes back in and orders a pint.
He finishes his pint, and goes back outside to get the chihuahua. Two minutes later he comes back in to the bar and shouts out "Who here owns the rottweiler that's tied up outside ?". A bloke at the bar turns round and says, "He's mine. Why ? What's wrong ?"
The guy says, "It's deid".
"What d'ye mean, it's deid - what happened to it ?"
"My chihuahua killed it".
"Your chihuahua killed my rottweiler ? How the f##k did it do that ?"
"It got stuck in its' throat"
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by Kenny
Re: The best bar joke
Guy walks into the Wavecrest Bar in Wexford with an old manky looking mongrel dog on the end of a piece of binder twine.The barman says "Get that bloody yoke outta here fer Jayzis sake ! we don' allow no dogs in here ".The dog owner says " Hey now hold on a minnit ..dis aint no ordinary auld dog , this auld fella can play any musical instrument youze care to mention , " The barman hands over a tin whistle from under the counter and the dog proceeds to play the first part of The Bucks of Oranmore on it. Totally amazed another patron dashes home and returns with a 2 row box.The dog plays a set of reels on it. Further patrons rush out and return with a motley selection of various musical instruments .The dog effortlessly plays them all until a guy proffers a set of bagpipes . The dog struggles with the set of bagpipes for a half an hour and then walks into the corner , curls up and starts to lick its balls. When the owner brings the dog home later that night he asks it angrily "Why the hell didn't you play that yoke ? , you let me down badly!" The dog looks up and says "Play it ? PLAY IT? I was trying to get the f**K**G knickers off it !"
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by Red Robin
Re: The best bar joke
There was one posted in a thread here a while ago and at least it had a music theme. I'll try not to make too great a hash of it (and apologies to the original poster):
There's a session in full swing and there are 5 strummers, 6 bodhranistas, 7 spoon-players and 8 susato-wielders all giving it some, so Pat, Mike and Kevin go outside for a smoke. They're standing there, sharing thoughts of old times when a leprechaun appears and grants them three wishes, one each. So Pat says, I wish I was back in Galway with my old friends, having a couple of drinks and playing a few tunes. So his wish is granted, and in a puff of smoke, he's gone. Then it's Mike's turn, and he says, I wish I was back in County Clare, having a drink and playing a few tunes, and in a flash, he's gone too! So then it's Kevin's turn, and he has a ponder, and then says, I'm feeling lonely now Pat and Mike have gone. I wish they were back again.
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by RichardB
Re: The best bar joke
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me darlin' wife!"
And with that, Paddy was crowned the winner of the night's toasting contest at the pub.
That evening, quite boastfu,l he bragged to his wife he had won the contest and several free pints afterwards.
"What did you say to win it? his wife asked.
"Em," Paddy stammered, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Och, isn't that lovely!" Paddy's wife beamed.
The next day, one of Paddy's bar-mates saw Paddy's wife at the bus stop.
"Yer husband won with quite a toast last night!" The man grinned lustily
"Aye - I couldn't believe it meself!" she began, "He's only been down there twice in the past year, and the last time I practically had to pull his ears to make him come..."
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by Jusa Nutter Eejit
Re: The best bar joke
Okay. Guy comes in and sits at the bar, then helps a one foot tall, tuxedo'd little man up onto the stool next to him. After they have a drink the tiny man climbs up onto the bar top, runs the length of it, clambers down to the floor then heads over to the piano, which he begins to play brilliantly.
Bartender sidles over to the guy at the bar, nods toward the little man and asks, so what’s his story?
Well, the guy at the bar says, last night I leave a bar after I have a few too many and I stumble into an alley where I find a magic lantern. I rub it and the genie comes out saying he’ll grant me three wishes. First I ask for a million bucks, but I was sloshed and slurry, so suddenly a million ducks are quacking overhead instead. Then I asked for the biggest house in town, but I was sloshed and slurry, so next thing a huge Clydesdale is nuzzling the top of my head.
Bartender stops the guy and says, Let me guess. You didn’t actually ask for a twelve inch pianist.
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by NEW Pure Drop® Ear Canal Oil
Re: The best bar joke
there's a variation on that one, PureDrops, where the guys orders a drink and this little foot tall man jumps out and kicks it over. So the man orders another and the little fellow kicks that one over, too
So when we asks for a third one, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, what's with this little guy kicking over your drinks?"
He says "I once ran into a genie and he granted me 3 wishes. I wished for a million dollars, then I wished for a big limosine...but then I screwed up, I asked for a 12 inch pr*ck, and that's him!"
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by Nate Ryan
Re: The best bar joke
Surprised this hasn't come up yet:
A panda walks into a bar, orders a bar meal which it finishes up, takes out a pistol and shoots it a couple times, then leaves the bar. Everyone at the bar, who had dove under tables, looks around, astounded and confused. One of the patrons says to the bartender, "What the f*ck was that?" The barman looks up "panda" on his iPhone and it is described on Wikipedia as "A mammal in the bear family. Eats shoots and leaves."
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by DrSilverSpear
Re: The best bar joke
This fella from back east goes into a dusty old bar in the American west. He walks in and sees nothing but men and sheep. Men talking to sheep, men buying sheep drinks, men dancing with sheep...so he asks the bartender, "excuse me, but I'm from out of town, what's with all these sheep?"
The bartender says, "out here in the west, we found that sheep are better than women in alot of ways"
The fella says, "you know, I left the east and came out west over troubles with a woman. How does a fella go about getting himself a sheep?"
The bartender directs him to this sheep pen on the edge of town, and he goes out there and picks himself out a nice, well built sheep and goes back to the bar.
When he walks in, everyone stops what they are doing and glares angrily at him. He goes over to the bartender and says, "what's wrong? I thought you said it was ok to bring a sheep in here?"
The bartender leans closer and says, "Mister, that's the sheriff's girl!"
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by Nate Ryan
Re: The best bar joke
Variant on the sheep joke:
… When the stranger walks back into the bar with his sheep, the other men break into uproarious laughter. He leans over to the bartender and asks, “Why are they laughing at me?”
Bartenders says, between guffaws, “Mister, you picked the ugliest one!”
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by Bob himself
Re: The best bar joke
"Regurgitato, ergo suum" seen on the wall in the men's bathroom of a bar in Norfolk, Virginia.
Laurence
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by fauxcelt
Re: The best bar joke
my Latin's a little rusty, but I think I actually understood that!
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by Nate Ryan
Re: The best bar joke
Ita vero...
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by On Sabbatical
Re: The best bar joke
Paddy is sitting at the bar minding his own business, when all of a sudden a thug smacks him in the face an says "that's KUNG FU" from Japan.
A bit later the thug smacks him again an says that's "KARATE" from Korea.
Paddy leaves the bar. He returns after a while, smacks the thug knocks him out cold. Says to the barman "when that fella wakes up tell him that was a SHOVEL from B&Q/Walmart.............
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by deeor
Re: The best bar joke
A well-dressed businessman walks into a tough bar and orders a martini. The bartender whispers to him that he’s going to get beat up by the group of bikers drinking at the other end of the bar if he stays long. While drinking his martini, the businessman begins to talk into his right hand. The bartender asks him what he’s doing, and he says, “I’ve had a cell phone implanted in my hand.” “Christ,” says the bartender, “cut it out. These guys are absolutely going to kill you if they see that crap.” While drinking another martini, the businessman begins staring closely at his left palm. The bartender again asks him what he’s doing, and he replies, “I’ve got a screen in my hand that shows the latest market reports, see.” “Good Lord, stop it!” cries the barman. “You’re a dead man if those bikers see that.” The man excuses himself to use the facilities, and the bartender becomes concerned when he hasn’t come back in fifteen minutes. He goes into the men’s room to check on the businessman, and is shocked to see him up against the wall, pants around his ankles, with a roll of toilet paper shoved up his arse. “Oh hell, man, I told you they’d mess you up! Why didn’t you listen to me?” The businessman replied: “It’s okay, I’m just receiving a fax.”
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by Jameson Stew
Re: The best bar joke
a skeleton walks into a bar and says
"bartender, gimme a beer and a mop"
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by pipewatcher
Re: The best bar joke
A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, "Sure, that'll be 10p."
"Ten pence!?" exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?"
"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be 50p."
"Fifty pence!?" cries the man. "You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."
# Posted on September 22nd 2010 by I ♥ Dow
Re: The best bar joke
Old Blue was a good dog who lived at the pub on the corner. He was very popular with all the regulars, always greeting them as they entered and escorting them to their favourite stool or table then quietly laying in his favourite corner until it
was time to bid farewell to everybody.
After a long and happy life Old Blue passed away, much to the sadness of the publican and the clientele. They had a bit of a discussion concerning the most appropriate way to remember such a wonderful dog and decided that they would keep his tail and hang it on the wall above Blue's favourite resting place.
Old Blue made it as far as The Pearly Gates and met Saint Peter. "Ah Blue," the Saint greeted him, "We've been expecting you but where is your tail? I'm very sorry but you're not allowed into Heaven unless you're physically intact." Blue explained where his tail had gone but Saint Peter was adamant. "Sorry Blue, you'll have to go back and get it." he instructed.
So Old Blue went back down to the pub and, considerate dog that he was, waited outside until after closing time rather than risk scaring the drinkers. When the last one had left he slipped inside and found his former master who was, as you would expect, very surprised but none-the-less very pleased to see the faithful dog.
"What are you doing here?" he asked whereupon Blue told him what Saint Peter had said and asked for his tail back.
The Publican replied. "I would love to help you of course Blue, but I can't. You know I would loose my licence if I was caught re-tailing spirits after hours."
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by All Moldy
Re: The best bar joke
Two men were walking their dogs past a bar.
"Lets go in," said one.
"They won't let our dogs in," replied the other.
But the first man said, "Watch this," and he put on sunglasses and walked into the bar.
"You can't bring that dog in here," shouted the barkeep.
"But he is a service dog, I am blind," replied the man.
"Oh I am so sorry," said the bartender, finding him a seat and giving him a drink.
So the second man puts on his sunglasses and enters the bar.
"Hey," says the bartender, "no dogs allowed."
"But he's a service dog," the man protested, "because I can't see."
"Since when," said the bartender, "is a Chihuahua a service dog?"
Thinking fast, the man answered, "What? They gave me a Chihuahua?"
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by AlBrown
Re: The best bar joke
Excellent cross-posted joke there, Moldy!!!
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by AlBrown
Re: The best bar joke
I have lost the will to live!
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by No Cause For Alarm
Re: The best bar joke
Irishman, Englishman and a German walk up to the bar and each order a pint. Soon as the pints are set down three flies fly in the door and land smack dab in the middle of the pints. German squashes the fly between his fingers, throws it on the floor and downs the pint in one gulp. Englishman picks up the pint, gives it back and says "bartender, please pour me another pint, this one is soiled." Irish man picks up the fly by the wings, holds it over the pint and yells " SPIT IT OUT YA FEKKER !! "
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by Gone to work
Re: The best bar joke
Two men walk into a bar. The first one says "I saw you out with your girlfriend last night, she's quite attractive" the second one says "yes and I'm in with her twin too" the first one says "oh really? how do you tell them apart?" the second one replied "her brother has a moustache".
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by fabphil39
Re: The best bar joke
Seamus is pulling pints as he always does.
A tour bus pulls up outside, and an American wanders in with a cowboy hat on.
"Gimme a beer!" he shouts.
Seamus pours him a pint of plain.
The American hollers: "No, I want a real beer, gimme a Bud!"
"We have no Budweiser" says Seamus "Just Irish beer."
"Wut?" hollers the Yank, incredulously. "Well then, gimme a Coors."
Seamus sighs. "I told ya, we have no Coors, only Irish beer."
"WUT?!?" screams the Yank. "Well gimme the closest thing to American beer ya got!"
Seamus picks up an empty pint glass, wanders into the restroom, dips the glass in the bowl, and saunters back.
He slams the glass down on the bar. "Be glad I flushed. Now it's a lite."
(With thanks to Seamus Kennedy.)
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by SWFL Fiddler
Re: The best bar joke
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by Terry McGee
Re: The best bar joke
Aguy in a bar is getting so drunk the barman dosen't want to serve him any more. So the guy says : look, I'm not drunk : see that cat coming in the bar ? I can see his two eyes. If I was drunk, I'd see four !
The barman answer : I'm sorry sir, but the cat isn't coming in, it's going out...
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by Nikita Pfister
Re: The best bar joke
A duck walked into a pub and ordered a pork pie and half a pint. Naturally the publican was somewhat taken aback and said "You're a duck. You can talk."
"That's right" the duck replied, "now can I have my lunch?"
The next day the duck returned for lunch so the publican asked where he was from.
"I work on the building site just across the road." he replied.
The lunch time visits became routine.
The following a week a circus arrived in town and after setting up, the performers came to the pub for a few beers. The publican got talking with the circus manager and told him about the duck. The manager was very excited, saying that he thought they would be able to use him so the publican promised to ask the duck if he was interested.
Next day the publican told the duck "The circus down the road is very interested in you and would like to offer you a job."
"Hmmm," said the duck, "the circus. That's the place with the animals and the big tents isn't it?"
"That's right." the publican replied
"And they want to offer me a job?"
"Yes."
"Why?" the duck enquired "what do they want a bricklayer for?"
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by All Moldy
Re: The best bar joke
I'm sorry "All Moldy" but that is two in a row now. You will need to be taken out back and shot!
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by No Cause For Alarm
Re: The best bar joke
A penguin walks into a bar and says to the bartender
"Have you seen my brother, has he been in for a drink today?"
The bartender looks down at the penguin and says
"I dunno. What's he look like?"
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by Steamwilkes
Re: The best bar joke
A duck walks into a bar and says, "You got any cheese?"
The bartender says, "No, we don't have any cheese. This is a bar for feck's sake."
The duck leaves. An hour later, he comes back and says, "You got any cheese?"
"No," says the bartender. "We don't."
The duck leaves and comes back again after about an hour, saying, "You got any cheese?"
Exasperated now, the bartender says, "We don't have any fecking cheese. If you ask me again I am going to nail your beak to the bar."
The duck leaves and comes back after an hour. He says, "You got any nails?"
"No, I don't have any nails," grumbles the bartender.
Duck says, "You got any cheese?"
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by DrSilverSpear
Re: The best bar joke
Drinking ameriacan beer is like making love in a canoe.... it's f***ck**g close to water
(Thanks Monthy Python !)
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by Nikita Pfister
Re: The best bar joke
A guy walks into a saloon in the Wild West, sits at the bar and orders a drink.
The barman gives him his drink and he sips away happily.
While drinking he notices that there is no one else in the bar so to make conversation he says to the barman “It’s very quiet in here today”.
The barman says “They’ve all gone to the hanging”.
“Who’s being hanged”?, says our man.
“Brown Paper Pete” says the barman.
“That’s a funny name, why is he called that”? says our man.
“Because he dresses in clothes made from brown paper. Brown paper trousers, brown paper shirts, brown paper socks, and so on.” Says the barman.
“Strange”, says our man. “What’s he being hanged for”?
“ Rustling”.
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by Planxtyite
Re: The best bar joke
Last one sounds like that Julian Barratt character. "I'm gonna take your drawers out..." [rustlerustlerustlerustle] "and put 'em back in again!"
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by gravelwalks
Re: The best bar joke
not a bar joke but neither are some others here:
Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of his old red Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first to the right, then to the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his braces fall down
from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and
with a final flourish he hurls his cap on to a pile of hay.
"What on earth are you doing, Mick?" says Paddy.
"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me!" says an obviously embarrassed Mick.
"But me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do
something sexy to a tractor! "
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by Rudall the time
Re: The best bar joke
How on earth does one go back to writing about the Highland Clearances after reading that!
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by DrSilverSpear
Re: The best bar joke
A man walks into a bar with a 'reasonably small crocodile'
The barman says " No dangerous animals allowed in here"
The man says "This crocodile isn't dangerous, in fact I trust it so much I bet you twenty euro I could put my member in its mouth and leave it there for at least thirty seconds (notice use of Euro which depicts where this event is happening)
The barman takes him up on the bet and the man gently places his member in the crocodile's mouth. The crowd gasp as the crocodile closes it mouth. The man counts up to thirty and then taps the croc' on the head with an empty bottle to make it open its mouth. He then challenges anyone in the bar to have a go, A woman stands up and says I'll give it a go, but don't hit me so hard on the head with the bottle.
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by Free Reed
Re: The best bar joke
A man walks into a bar with a frog on his head.
The bartender says, "Where did you get that?"
The frog answers, "I dunno. I woke up one morning with this big lump on me arse."
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by DrSilverSpear
Re: The best bar joke
A customer who has too much to drink gets up from his barstool to go to the men's room.
A few seconds after the door shuts behind him, this terrible scream comes from the men's room.
Everybody in the bar looks in that direction but no one says anything.
A minute or two later, another equally horrendous and terrible scream comes from inside the men's room.
This is too much for the bartender who tells the man to quit screaming because he is scaring the other customers in the bar.
From inside the men's room, the customer says, "I can't help it. Everytime I try to flush the toilet, something comes up and squeezes my b***s."
When the bartender hears this, he walks over to the men's room and opens the door to look in. The bartender says to the customer, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Laurence
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by fauxcelt
Re: The best bar joke
A bartender walks into a synagogue...
Oh wait, I'm telling it wrong.
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by CleverName
Re: The best bar joke
'A man walks into a bar with a 'reasonably small crocodile'
Well, a man walked into a bar on the Falls Road with an extremely large crocodile under his arm. The barman took no notice, as they generally do in bars on the Falls Road, and continued to wipe the bar's surface with something that might have been once been a rag, but for the odd shimmer of red, white and blue appearing occasionally.
"Excuse me," said the customer, "but do you serve Brits?"
The barman's eyes narrowed and he glanced quickly around the hostelry, taking in the only customers in the place, a pair of old geezers checking the form in 'The Sporting Life'.
"Sure," he said eventually, "we serve anybody."
"That's grand," said the customer, "then give me a Guinness and a couple of Brits for the crocodile."
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by MacCruiskeen
Re: The best bar joke
For the Silver Spear - Highland Clearances - is that kilts at 2 for £1.00 ?
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by ormepipes
Re: The best bar joke
Best thread, ever.
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by sara505sings
Re: The best bar joke
A woman walks into a bar and orders a double entendre.
... so the barman gives her one.
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by grego
Re: The best bar joke
That's one of the real classics grego. brilliant. Can't remember where I heard it first but it really is a top notch joke. Great.
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by ...
Re: The best bar joke
67,023 musicians walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, the sessions been canceled tonight so we can watch the game."
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by GaryAMartin
Re: The best bar joke
A farmer walks into a bar carrying a pig with a wooden leg. The bartender asks, "How did that pig get a wooden leg?"
The farmer tells him, "That is a great pig. One time the tractor overturned on top of me. This pig managed to get out of his pen and run over to me. After getting his nose under the tractor, he managed to lift it up long enough for me to get out from under it."
The bartender said, "Yes, but how did the pig get a wooden leg?"
The farmer tells him, "This is a great pig. One time our house caught on fire. This pig managed to get out of his pen and run to the house and pull everybody out. He surely saved the entire family from dying in the fire."
The bartender said, "Yes, but how did the pig get a wooden leg?"
The farmer tells him, "This is a great pig. One time my little toddler crawled out on the highway. A big truck was speeding towards him, surely going to run over the kid. This pig ran out onto the highway and pushed the kid out of the way just in time to save his life."
The bartender said, a little more exasperated, "Yes, but how did the pig get a wooden leg?"
The farmer said, "With a pig that great, you don't want to eat him all at once."
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by Jiml
Re: The best bar joke
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.
" Och back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"
" Oi In moi pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fah two pint's of Guiness and they give me a fhird one fah free!"
" Bejazshiz lads That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Limerick , you walks up to de bar, they gives you de first pint fer free, deh second pint fer free, an' deh turd pint fer free -- and then they takes you upstairs and you have sex fer FREE!"
"Is that really true Sheamus ?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"
", well .. no no," says the Irishman, "but , but it happens to me sister all deh time!"
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by Red Robin
Re: The best bar joke
All righty -
Mike is sitting in the pub.
Seamus walks in.
"Seamus! Where you been? I haven't seen you in weeks! Have you been ill?"
"No, no, none of it. I've been keeping company with Nancy."
Mike stares at him.
"Nancy? Oh, no, Seamus! Not Nancy!"
Seamus stares back.
"Why in heaven's name not, Mike?"
Mike waffles a bit.
"Well, don't you know, uh, well, um, Nancy is a bit, well, she's sort of a, what i mean is, she's kind of...um, errrr..."
"What are you saying, Mike?"
Seamus sighs.
"Nancy's been sleeping with every man in the whole damn village, Seamus!"
Seamus sighs.
"Yes, well, 'but tis but a small village, after all, Mike.
# Posted on September 23rd 2010 by Piece
Re: The best bar joke
A harp seal goes into a bar.
"What'll ya have?" asks the bartender.
The seal thinks for a minute and says, "I'll take anything, as long as it's not a Canadian Club.
# Posted on September 24th 2010 by AlBrown
Re: The best bar joke
Clearly for music theory folks this is the worst bar joke of all time:
A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar.
The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."
So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat.
An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes.
The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development."
This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au naturel.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - and closes the bar.
# Posted on September 24th 2010 by cboody
Re: The best bar joke
Sorry but why are the flat notes minors?
# Posted on September 24th 2010 by No Cause For Alarm
Re: The best bar joke
Obviously the barman had forgotten his keys
# Posted on September 24th 2010 by ...
Re: The best bar joke
It's a joke about notes going to a bar and drinking alcohol. You're really going to quibble over the finer points of music theory?
# Posted on September 24th 2010 by DrSilverSpear
Re: The best bar joke
C E G is a major chord, C Eb G is a minor chord.
# Posted on September 24th 2010 by Paul_draper
Re: The best bar joke
I was taking part in a pub quiz the other night and was leading all the way until the last question which was "Where do women have short tight curly hair?" I got the answer wrong and lost by one lousy point. Seemingly the correct answer was 'Africa'
# Posted on September 24th 2010 by Free Reed
Re: The best bar joke
So your answer of the "bush" was close but the quizmaster was after the collective noun for the whole continent, bummer.
# Posted on September 24th 2010 by Solidmahog
Re: The best bar joke
Cboody, that is a "note"able joke.
# Posted on September 24th 2010 by fauxcelt
Re: The best bar joke
A man walks into a bar and says "drinks are on me!"
"What's the occasion?" says the barman
"I finished my jigsaw puzzle early" say the man.
"Oh," says the barman, "and how long did it take you?..."
"Two years" says the man
"That sounds like a long time to spend on a jigsaw puzzle!" says the barman.
"Shows all you know..." says the man "on the box it said 4 to 6 years!"
# Posted on September 24th 2010 by grego
Re: The best bar joke
A white horse walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Hey, we've got a whisky named after you"
The horse says, "What, Erik?"
# Posted on September 24th 2010 by Mark Harmer
Re: The best bar joke
Grego's joke reminds me of a blond joke:
A blond rings her husband at work, and sounds very upset.
Husband: "What's the matter?"
Wife: "It's this jigsaw puzzle. I can't finish it. It's so frustrating and I feel so stupid"
Husband: "Have you found all the edge bits? That's a good way to start"
Wife: "There aren't any edge bits, and I can't get any of the other bits to fit together at all"
Husband: "Well, what's the picture on the front of the box?"
Wife: "It's a sort of chicken thing"
Husband: "For feck's sake, they're cornflakes"!
# Posted on September 24th 2010 by Mark Harmer
Re: The best bar joke
One more:
A man walks into a bar that's full of rough motorbiker types. He sits at the bar and orders a soft drink. The bikers make various comments about him, and why he's not drinking a "real" drink, and he just smiles and says nothing. Eventually he finishes his drink, gets up, nods to the bikers, and leaves.
One of the bikers says to the barman: "He's not much of a man is he - didn't say anything at all to defend himself, just sat there and took all our abuse"
Bartender: "He's not much of a driver either. He's just reversed his truck over 20 motorbikes"
# Posted on September 24th 2010 by Mark Harmer
Re: The best bar joke
A priest, a preacher and a Rabbi walked into their favourite bar, where they would get together two or three times a week for drinks and to talk shop.
On this particular afternoon, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
# Posted on September 24th 2010 by MacCruiskeen
Re: The best bar joke
If you are eating a tuna fish sandwich, what key do you eat it in?
One of the comments in this discussion thread reminded me of that joke so I decided to share it although it has nothing to do with bars that serve alcoholic beverages.
Speaking of alcoholic beverages.....it is possible to be an alcoholic without drinking anything at all. If you like the locomotive engines produced by the American Locomotive Company (otherwise known as ALCO), you might be an ALCOholic and not know it.
Laurence
# Posted on September 24th 2010 by fauxcelt
Re: The best bar joke
Man walks into a bar, "hi bartender, I'd like you to pour me out 11 shots of tequilla in a row"
The bartender obliges, and the man proceeds to down each and every shot in a row.
Bartender asks, "I've seen some impressive drinking, but there has to be something wrong for a man to drink like that, what's up?"
The mans says depressingly, "Well, you'd drink like that too if you had was I had"
Bartender backs up, thinking he has some sort of disease or something, "Oh yeah, and what is that?"
Man digs into his pocket for a bit then says, "oh, about 10 cents."
# Posted on September 24th 2010 by banshee misfortune
Re: The best bar joke
Bah, someone already put up a version of that joke. Oops.
# Posted on September 24th 2010 by banshee misfortune
Re: The best bar joke
Do you remember Old Blue, the dog who lived in the pub? I told you about him a couple of days ago. Well, he didn't always belong to the publican. Back when he was not much more than a pup he belonged to Bert, a local fisherman.
Every evening Bert would take Blue to the pub and order a pint for himself and a whiskey for Blue. One day Bert fell ill and couldn't go to the pub for over a week but Blue still went along by himself. The publican would give Blue his whiskey and the dog would happily trot home.
When Bert was fit again he resumed his nightly visits, thanked the publican for looking after Blue in his absence, and paid Blue's tab. "I'd like to give you this as a way of saying thank you" Bert told the publican, and placed a large lobster on the bar.
"That's lovely" said the publican, "I'll take that home for dinner"
The lobster looked up and said "I've already had dinner, couldn't we go to the movies?"
# Posted on September 25th 2010 by All Moldy
Re: The best bar joke
In a pub, this customer says to the bartender,
"I heard this grand joke today. There's these two Irishmen, see..."
"Hold it!" says the bartender.
"What?" says the customer.
"You see the bouncer over there?"
"Yeah , what about him?"
"His name is Flynn."
"yeah?"
"And, you see the cook ovr there?"
"Yeah."
"HIs name is Murphy."
"I see."
"And you see that man down the bar, the big guy?"
"Uh-huh."
"HIs name is Sullivan. And mine is Clancy. So, tell me now -
do you still want to tell that joke about the two Irishmen?"
"Hell no -
I'm not explaining it four times."
Cheers.
# Posted on September 25th 2010 by Piece
Re: The best bar joke
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
... Guy goes into a bar with an octopus in a bucket. He plonks the bucket on the bar, and proclaims, "For free beer, this octopus will play any instrument you give it!" ...
http://www.thesession.org/discussions/display/10853/comments#comment224048
August 8th 2006 by Zazzaliss
# Posted on September 26th 2010 by Ben Steen
Re: The best bar joke
Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy."
The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"
Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." With that he pulls out a little 3-inch man from his pocket.
The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?" "Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some," Rodney retorted. So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing," says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?" Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey Al, go get that quarter!" The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back and gives it to Rodney.
The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's a hoot," he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure he talks --too bloody much. Hey Al, tell him about that time we were in Africa on safari and you told that witch doctor to go f**k himself!"
# Posted on September 27th 2010 by michaelr
Re: The best bar joke
Aussie, Yank, Kraut & Paddy in a pub and the Aussie sez, "G'Day! I think I'll have a pint of Orstalia's best - A Pint of Fosters"
The Yank then sez, "I'll have a boddle of Bud Light -US of A's best"
The German sez, "Ach so! I vill haf a half litre of Becks - Zer finest Cherman Lager in zer vorld"
Paddy sez, "Oi'll have a doiet Coke please! Oi wez goin' te hev a Guinness but if you feckin' pansies are having soft drinks oi'll stick wid youse"
# Posted on September 27th 2010 by michaelr
Re: The best bar joke
"A white horse walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Hey, we've got a whisky named after you"
The horse says, "What, Erik?"
Jaysus, man, that's the bloody joke of the century! Hahahaha!
# Posted on September 28th 2010 by Steve Shaw
Re: The best bar joke
Bill & Ben "dance" into a pub.
Bill: Slobble dobble dobble
Ben: I'll get them in, they'll think you are p*ssed.
# Posted on September 28th 2010 by geoffwright
Re: The best bar joke
Nice one geoff but I dont think that joke will travel well
# Posted on September 28th 2010 by bazouki dave
Re: The best bar joke
i can't tell a joke to save my life, but made up a good Bill & Ben one decades ago, when you consider that they live in seperate plant pots but beside one another (so not much room for escape) _
bill to ben (in slobber dob): ''knock knock?''
ben (slobber dob): ''who's there?''
bill (slob dob): ''f*** off!''
and not a bar in sight
# Posted on September 28th 2010 by lisaniska
Re: The best bar joke
I hope they didn´t talk like that when Little Weed was around
# Posted on September 28th 2010 by murfbox
Re: The best bar joke
I was always an Andy Pandy man myself.
# Posted on September 28th 2010 by Steve Shaw
Re: The best bar joke
Some have suggested that I liked Noggin the Nog, but that's just a filthy rumour. ("Infamy! infamy! They've all got it in for me!")
# Posted on September 28th 2010 by MacCruiskeen
Re: The best bar joke
*confused*
# Posted on September 28th 2010 by DrSilverSpear
Re: The best bar joke
Magic Roundabout
Though I always thought Dylan was Dylan Thomas (I'd never heard of Bob)
# Posted on September 28th 2010 by ...
Re: The best bar joke
Steve, I now have this image of you at your local session:
"Are we sitting comfortably ? Then, we´ll begin !"
# Posted on September 28th 2010 by murfbox
Re: The best bar joke
"Did you like Muffin the Mule?"
"Dunno, never tried it..."
# Posted on September 28th 2010 by Steve Shaw
Re: The best bar joke
In the same vein, the following was overheard at a literary cocktail party:
- Do you like Kipling ?
- I don´t know. I´ve never kippled.
# Posted on September 28th 2010 by murfbox
Re: The best bar joke
i liked the Magic Roundabout too and never heard of both Thomas or Bob then
the heady B&W TV days of 'Watch with Mother' springs to mind in which Bill & Ben dominated on many levels
# Posted on September 28th 2010 by lisaniska
Re: The best bar joke
I didn't like Andy Pandy. I can remember distinctly thinking there was something funny going on betwen Andy and Teddy, and I didn't like it. I think I felt sorry for poor old gooseberry, Looby Loo.
I liked Bill and Ben right enough, though I can remember being scared of the gardener, but my favourite was the Woodentops.
And last but not least, the very biggest spotty dog you ever did see ... Ah, those were the days ...
# Posted on September 28th 2010 by ethical blend
Re: The best bar joke
For those too young too be part of this 'discussion' or from foreign climes, the BBC ran an ever-repeating cycle of children's TV shows from the early 1950s called 'Watch with Mother' (a sort of adjunct to the radio series 'Listen with Mother').
There were five regular slots:
Mondays - 'Picture Book', featuring Ireland's own Patricia Driscoll (who went on to play Maid Marian in the ITV series 'The Adventures of Robin Hood') - it was a very dull 'make-your-own' precursor to 'Blue Peter';
Tuesdays - 'Andy Pandy', a troilistic affair involving a marionette, a rag doll and a teddy bear who all occupied the same picnic basket;
Wednesdays - 'Flower Pot Men', which featured two barely credible string-puppets made of flower pots and a 'flower' called 'Little Weed'. The 'men' always misbehaved, with the threat of being discovered by the gardener and 'Was it Bill or was it Ben' was usually the closing line.
Thursdays - 'Rag, Tag and Bobtail' in which a hedgehog, mouse and rabbit become embroiled in preposterous tales (it was around this time that I discovered Class A drugs, but they didn't improve the storylines);
and, finally,
Fridays (and best of the lot) - 'The Woodentops' , a family of wooden dolls, augmented by the aforementioned Spotty Dog, Buttercup the Cow and Mrs. (no name ever given) and Sam Scrubbit who all lived (or worked) on a farm.
Personally, I regarded the arrival of 'Tales from the Riverbank' (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tales_from_the_Riverbank) as akin to Godard's 'A Bout de Souffle' in the Home Counties voiced world of BBC children's television.
# Posted on September 28th 2010 by MacCruiskeen
Re: The best bar joke
"'Was it Bill or was it Ben' was usually the closing line."
Ah yes. The tension of not knowing which one it was! I can't help thinking that this psychological tension-building for kids was a direct precursor to not knowing which shape window it was going to be on Play School, something that grown men would bet on before each show.
# Posted on September 28th 2010 by Steve Shaw
Re: The best bar joke
Listen With Mother was on the Home Service at a quarter to two, just before Woman's Hour. It was wonderful, with presenters such as Daphne Oxenford, Dorothy Smith or Julia Lang at the helm, reading the stories, always starting with "Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin!" The nursery rhymes were sung by Eileen Browne and George Dixon (no, not that one) and the introductory theme was the Berceuse from the Dolly Suite by Gabriel Fauré. Eileen did the voice of Jenny in the Woodentops. Good old Beeb!
# Posted on September 28th 2010 by Steve Shaw
Re: The best bar joke
I've been in the UK for a bit over four years and am still learning stuff about it.
This past weekend I learned that "spotted dick" is not necessarily what I think it is.
# Posted on September 28th 2010 by DrSilverSpear
Re: The best bar joke
Presumably, Emily, as you live in Scotland, you weren't too perplexed by packets of McVitie's Ginger Nuts?
# Posted on September 28th 2010 by MacCruiskeen
Re: The best bar joke
There were those who enjoyed paying attention so they knew if it was Bill or Ben watching for the often contrived turn to show the label on the back; there were those felt the stress when they realised they had forgotten that the question would be asked; and there were those who came to realise they couldn't give a monkeys which it was and went forward in life not bothering much about man-made puzzles (and maybe thinking they were a feature of the Home Counties).
# Posted on September 28th 2010 by David50
Re: The best bar joke
... Ben, watching ...
# Posted on September 28th 2010 by David50
Re: The best bar joke
So this baby seal walks into a club...
# Posted on October 5th 2010 by chris stolz
Re: The best bar joke
An Amerrican walks into an ancient, filthy and decrepit pub somewhere in Belfast. The pub is full of ancient filthy and decrepit drinkers who sit about and say f**k all for long periods of time.
The newcomer sits down, gets a pint, and is wondering where the legendary Irish craic and wit is, when suddenly one of the sodden up and says "TWENTY FECKING SEVEN!"
With this, the entire bar bursts into raucous laughter, which then dies back down to utter silence.
Near the end of the American's pint, another geezer grabs his cane, stands up, sways, and bellows "FORTY FECKING TWO!" which provokes another pub-wide roar of laughter.
The Yankee asks the bartender what's up, and the bartender says "well now these old blodgers, they've been coming here so long they've heard and told all the jokes a thousand times. They've given each joke a number, see, and so instead of having to work through the entire joke, they just say the number."
The Yankee finishes his pint, stands up, and yells "NINETY-EIGHT!" at the top of his lungs. There is dead silence in the pub. None of the wizened Irish drinkers even looks up.
"Wha?" asks the Yankee to nobody in particular.
Then an old coot pipes up. "There's them that can tell a joke...and them that can't."
# Posted on October 5th 2010 by chris stolz
Re: The best bar joke
Mahoneys wife has to go out of town for the day on a business trip. The last thing she says to her husband is to not go out to the bar in her absence. As soon as the wife is gone he heads down to Clancys pub.
After spending most of the day there he decides he'd better get back on home. He gets up from the bar takes a few steps and falls flat on his face. Gets up, takes a few more steps and again, falls flat on his face. All the way home for three blocks its up down up down until he finally makes it home just after he gets in the house his wife shows up. She walks in the door just as the phone was ringing. She answers it and hangs up after a short conversations. She looks at Mahoney and says,
"So you went to Clancys pub after all did ya.?"
"Well yes dear,"said Mahoney, "but how did you know? "
"That was the barman on the phone calling to say you left your wheel chair there!"
# Posted on October 6th 2010 by keyedup