Anyone know any good musical jokes? Here's a couple to get the ball rolling;
Man comes to the door as says 'I've come to tune the piano'. The owner says 'I haven't asked anyone to tune the piano'. The piano tuner says ' No, your neighbour did'.
I was walking through central London when a man carrying a violin under his arm comes running up to me and says ‘What’s the quickest way to the Albert Hall? I replied ‘Practice’
anyway here's one that sean mkeon said on sunday night at the concert ( could work on any instrument really, but sure we'll use the cello for the sake of rob!)
what has litigation and the cello got in commen?
everyones glad when the case is closed. (cue canned laughter).
if you want a really good laugh, watch the us vice presidential debate tonite. should a good laugh if any of palins other interviews are anything to go by. maybe she'll bring her flute. haha!
A Catholic priest, a Church of Ireland reverend, a rabbi, and a kilted one-armed fiddler walk into a bar.
The priest, the reverend, and the rabbi each tell the fiddler that as they worship God they reach both of their arms to heaven. They ask the fiddler how he is able to do what he does with just the one arm.
The kilted one-armed fiddler kicks off one shoe and pulls off his sock. The three religious men assume the fiddler will hold the bow between his toes, but instead he raises his left foot to shoulder-height to grip the neck of the fiddle with his toes, holding the bow with his one hand.
'I do everything arse backwards,' said the fiddler. Glancing down the three discover the gentleman is not joking.
(From Angus A. MacFarleigh's 'The Kilted One-Armed Fiddler: A Treasure Trove of Assured Jollity, Second Part.')
Paddy, Joe, and Mike are having a cozy little session in the snug down at McCarthy's Pub, enjoying a quiet spot of tunes over pints of the black stuff. It's just them on fiddle, flute, and whistle.
Then in walks a stranger carrying a big black case.
"Jaysus, I hope that's not a guitar," says Mike.
Sure enough, the newcomer hauls a big dreadnaught Gibson out of the case and pulls up a stool. "Mind if I play, thanks," he says, and promptly begins hammering at the strings with a chip of steel for a pick, making an awful noise.
Not wanting to be discourteous, Paddy, Joe, and Mike strike up a tune, though nothing seems to fit the lurching cacaphony coming from the guitar.
Midway through the set, another stranger comes in the door with a huge rucksack over his shoulder. From it, he pulls the largest bodhran any of them have ever seen, like a full harvest moon, half as broad as the man is tall. The drum's shadow casts the snug into darkness as the man draws a billy club out of the sack and begins using it as a tipper. The thunder is like a thousand cattle on the roof. The guitarist joins in.
"BeJaysus!" cries Paddy. "A man can't hear himself think!"
"Aye, Paddy," says Joe. "But maybe if we play a wee tune they'll quiet down a bit."
So off they go into a gentle setting of Tar Road to Sligo amidst the roar.
Then, in walks a brush salesman. At least that's what the lads hope when they spot his odd-shaped case.
"Not from around here, is he?" shouts Paddy.
"The silk shirt does give it away, eh?" winks Joe.
The salesman sidles up to the snug and drops his case on the table, scattering glasses. He pulls up a stool, sits, and opens the case. To Paddy, Joe, and Mike's horror, out comes a piano accordion.
"Sweet Mary and Joseph!" curses Paddy.
"Mother help us," sobs Joe, "it's not in tune either!"
"And now he's playing the basses!" cries Mike.
Just then, a leprechaun pops onto the table, unnoticed by all but Paddy, Joe, and Mike.
"What an awful din," says the leprechaun. "It'll wake the dead and stir the banshees."
"True enough," says Paddy. "Use your magic to make it stop."
"My magic only works on you locals," says the leprechaun. "These sods are obviously tourists."
"Well then grant me three wishes," says Joe.
The leprechaun thinks a spell and then speaks. "I'll tell you what I'll do. Instead of giving Joe here three wishes, I'll grant the each of you just one wish, to do with as you please."
Paddy jumps at the offer. "It's so noisy and annoying in here--I wish I was home in me own kitchen, playing soft tunes by the peat fire."
And POOF! Paddy's gone.
So Joe sits up and says, "Paddy's got the right idea! It IS noisy, annoying, and unfriendly in here. I wish I was in Paddy's kitchen too, playing tunes with him."
And POOF! Joe is gone.
So the leprechaun says, "Only one wish left. What do you want, Mike?"
And Mike looks at the leprechaun and says, "Paddy and Joe are right. It IS noisy, annoying, and unfriendly in here. I miss my friends. I sure wish they were back here with me."
So ... Pat, Jock, Evan and John are up for the firing squad ...
The Captain of the firing squad says, "OK you lot, you each have one special request before you die.
The Welshman says, "I'd like a 100 strong male voice choir from the valleys singing How Green is My Valley please?" No probs says the Captain.
The Scotsman says, "Can I have a 100 strong pipes and drums please playing The Flowers of Edinburgh?" Of course you can says the captain.
The Irishman says, "What I'd really like is a 100 of those lovely long legged dancing girls all in a line doing that River Dance thing?" Yeah, great, says the captain.
There's a Northumbrian in there. He asks for his mates to be allowed to play a duet on the Northumbrian pipes before he is dispatched. This is OK'd, and the tuning-up begins.
After ten minutes of this, the firing squad have vanished.
A guitarist is busking in a shopping mall. A policeman approaches...
Policeman: "Can I see your busker's licence?"
Busker: "I don't have one."
Policeman: "In which case, you'll have to accompany me."
Busker: "Fine! What would you like to sing?"
There's a man playing the piano in a bar and someone asks him if he'll do requests. Yes, he say what would you like? He says 'Can my mate have a turn on the piano'
This is not so much a musical joke but a joke i saw in the toilets of a musical pub (the Cobblestone). Written on the condom machine in the men's toilets it says:
A lad wants to learn the bass so books lessons. The first week he learned the note D. The second week he got on better and learned the notes G and A. The tutor gets a phone call the following week and the lad tells him he has to cancel his lesson. "What's wrong?" asked the tutor, "You'd get better with practise". "No, it's not that" said the lad, "It's just that I've got a gig"
"A lad wants to learn the bass so books lessons. The first week he learned the note D. The second week he got on better and learned the notes G and A. The tutor gets a phone call the following week and the lad tells him he has to cancel his lesson. "What's wrong?" asked the tutor, "You'd get better with practise". "No, it's not that" said the lad, "It's just that I've got a gig""
Haha bogman
- How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
- Two. One to change the bulb, the other sing a song about how much better the old one was.
Nonononononono.
You need FIVE folksingers to change a lightbulb; one to change it and the other four to sing in harmony about how good the old one was.......
How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
Californians don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in jacuzzis.
How many Jewish grandmothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They'd rather sit in the dark.
How many analysts does it take to change a lightbulb.
Only one, but the lightbulb really has to want to change.
How many WASPS ?
Two; one to mix the martinis, one to phone the electrician.
Sorry, off-messgae.
How many banjo players/ pipers/accordionists/electric bass-players does it take ?
Can you speak up a bit, I didn't quite catch that ?
I sing tenor in a local Sacred harp ( shape-note ) group.
Altos are a bit like viola players, they add to the total mix but what they get to do themselves is not often musically very interesting.
Recently someone repeated the suggestion that, to recognize a good alto part, you hold the music up to your eye and squint along the stave; if the alto part resembles a heart-monitor-trace rather than a straight line it's a good part.
Many years ago, I was the piccolo player in an orchestra that toured the world, playing in venues great and small.
One night in Istanbul, we played before a wealthy pasha, and when we were done he gushed: "Oh, for giving me a night of such wonderful music, I will fill each of your instruments with gold coins!"
The tuba player got rich.
The double bass player got rich.
And there I was with my little piccolo.
A week later, we did a performance in a concert hall in Bavaria, and afterwards an old duke came backstage to praise us: "That was one of the best experiences I've ever had! I will fill each of your instruments with jewels!"
The tuba player got rich.
The double bass player got rich.
And there I was with my little piccolo.
A few days after that, we stopped over at a theater in the west of Ireland. To be honest, it wasn't the best performance we'd ever done -- we were pretty tired from touring -- and at the end of the concert, there was only a bit of faint applause. Then a voice came from the back of the hall: "Jaysus, yez all sounded terrible. Yez can stick yer bloody instruments up yer arses!"
The tuba player couldn't do it.
The double bass player couldn't do it.
But there I was with my little piccolo...
how do you know if there's a bodhran player at your door?
the knocking gets faster, and when you open the door he doesn't know when to come in.
definition of a bass player: halfway between a drummer and a musician.
definition of a minor second: two flutes playing in unison.
still my favourite anecdote is the one told about the conductor Sir Thomas Beecham:
while rehearsing with an orchestra, Beecham was getting frustrated by the sound of the lead female cellist, until finally he cried out, "Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of bringing pleasure to thousands, yet all you can do is sit there and scratch it!"
My favourite Beecham quote is when he was getting frustrated at not being able to get across how he wanted the first fiddles to play a particular bit, and came out with the classic line:
How do you know when there is a Ceili Band at the door?
They knock four times and all come in together.
True Story..I was watching 'America's Got Talent' earlier this week (not deliberately..you understand) Two Accordionists came on. They were a bit cheesy but could play well. They got ten seconds before the were booted off. One of the judges, Piers Morgan (smug git) made the remark that "there is only one thing worse than an accordion player.. that's two accordion players".
Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sat in a bar having a quiet drink. Willis says he's bored with being a film star and wants to l become a famous composer. Stallone says "what do ya mean Bruce?" "Well" says Willis, "I'll be Beethoven" and he goes over to the piano and plays a brilliant piece of music in the style of the deaf old composer. "Great" says Stallone, "what about you Arnold?"
Schwarzenneger stands up and walks out. As he goes he grunts, over his shoulder, "I'll be Bach!"
A guitarist and an accordionist are at band practice and during a break, the guitarist gets out a Thermos flask and pours himself a piping hot cup of coffee. The accordionist watches incredulously and says "What is that thing? How is that coffee still hot?"
The guitarist replies "It's a Thermos flask. It'll keep hot things hot and cold things cold. I made this coffee at 9am this morning and it's still piping hot, see?"
The accordionist says "That's absolutely brilliant. I'm gonna have to get one of those!"
So next week at band practice, the guitarist and accordionist sit down together and the accordionist proudly gets out a shiny new Thermos flask.
"So you got one then?" the guitarist asks.
"Yep," said the accordionist, very pleased with himself. "Just like yours, see?"
"Very good," the guitarist replies, pouring himself some coffee, "What you got in there then?"
"Two cups of tea and an ice cream..."
Approximately thirty years ago, I saw the following message on the wall in a men's room at Cogan's in Norfolk, Virginia: "Regurgitato, ergo suum".
The late Lawrence Welk never did learn to speak English fluently--especially slang and idiomatic terms. One day, during rehearsal for his weekly show, Welk was dissatisfied with the amount of effort and the playing of the trumpet and trombone players. He told the musicians to, "Play more horny guys!" and everybody started laughing. Did Welk understand why they were laughing? No, but when someone took Welk aside and explained why everybody was laughing, Welk blushed bright red.
Was Hirt still able to play despite what the announcer said?
Joann Castle told that story and some others about Welk when I saw her perform in person in 1985.
A safari guide was leading a group through the African jungle when they began to hear drums. The guide assured the group there was nothing to worry about as long as the drums kept playing.
Suddenly, the drums stopped. The guide froze in absolute terror. The group asked the guide what was going to happen now that the drums stopped.
Fauxcelt: I just heard the snippet on an LP collection of "classic radio and TV bloopers," so I don't know what went on after the intro. It may be that the announcer was in the studio and Hirt was performing at a remote location, so he may not have even been aware of the muck-up.
Speaking of announcer mistakes.....many years ago, when the local public radio station (KLRE) was doing a live, on-air fundraiser, one of the groups which volunteered to perform was a choral group from OBU (Ouachita Baptist University) called the Ouachita Baptist Singers.
Several members of the Friends of KLRE had volunteered to help with the announcing. All of these volunteer announcers did a good job except for the attorney who was supposed to announce the choral group from OBU. This man said, live and on the air that we would now hear a performance by the "Ouachita Baptist University Sinners".
Tony is a brilliant player continuo, you think you can do better? Why not upload a sample of your playing? Jeez you must be reel good eh? Musical joke! my Ar$e.
RE: Tony is a brilliant player continuo, you think you can do better? Why not upload a sample of your playing? Jeez you must be reel good eh? Musical joke! my Ar$e.
Ionnanas - steady on there, wasn't talking about his playing, but all the sh!!te he goes on with in between. Where's your sense of humour...
. My sense of humour? I had to trade it in as part payment on my new fiddle. sorry.
The thread was about musical jokes. so here's one;
Q; What is the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A ; you only have to punch the information in once with a drum machine..
The lads left the pub after a long night of drinking and sessioning, and got into their car. The fiddler was driving and he started it up. After a couple of minutes of driving, an old man's face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
The banjo player screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The fiddler; jim, sped up, but the face stayed in the window. His mate rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got a cigarette?" The banjo player handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to fiddler jim, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing. fiddler jim said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry... the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," The banjo player yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The banjoman threw a lighter out the window and simultaneously (to the fiddler) saying, "Step on it!"
They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!" The banjo man rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied, "You guys want some help getting out of the mud?"
I found an old violin and an old painting. I took them to an expert. He said 'what you have here is a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt wasn't any good at making violins, and Stradivarius was a rotten painter.'
Seemingly MacMahon was doing a gig with some other musicians in Dublin a good few years back, and at payment time, the other musicians got £50 and Tony £30.
When MacMahon complained about getting short-changed, he was told - 'we pay for music, not for a sermon'!
Musical jokes
Musical jokes
Anyone know any good musical jokes? Here's a couple to get the ball rolling;
Man comes to the door as says 'I've come to tune the piano'. The owner says 'I haven't asked anyone to tune the piano'. The piano tuner says ' No, your neighbour did'.
I was walking through central London when a man carrying a violin under his arm comes running up to me and says ‘What’s the quickest way to the Albert Hall? I replied ‘Practice’
# Posted on October 2nd 2008 by Sandy Holdom
Re: Musical jokes
http://www.thesession.org/discussions/display/868/
# Posted on October 2nd 2008 by Will Harmon
Re: Musical jokes
What the difference between a rock guitar player and a jazz guitar player?
One playes 3 chords to thousands of people ...
# Posted on October 2nd 2008 by ...
Re: Musical jokes
This is a Scottish joke:
Q: What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?
A: Bing sings and Walt disney
# Posted on October 2nd 2008 by RichardB
Re: Musical jokes
Llig, that was cruel! Please, no banjo jokes. (Most of them stated out life as cello jokes, by the way.)
# Posted on October 2nd 2008 by Rob
Re: Musical jokes
Martin Tourish winning a TG4 award.
Although it didn't make me laugh that much.
# Posted on October 2nd 2008 by skip canlon
Re: Musical jokes
Back to basics:
What do you call a guy that hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.
# Posted on October 2nd 2008 by yhaalhouse
Re: Musical jokes
classic skip. lol.
anyway here's one that sean mkeon said on sunday night at the concert ( could work on any instrument really, but sure we'll use the cello for the sake of rob!)
what has litigation and the cello got in commen?
everyones glad when the case is closed. (cue canned laughter).
# Posted on October 2nd 2008 by fiddleruairi
Re: Musical jokes
if you want a really good laugh, watch the us vice presidential debate tonite. should a good laugh if any of palins other interviews are anything to go by. maybe she'll bring her flute. haha!
# Posted on October 2nd 2008 by tradmoosic
Re: Musical jokes
Watch out, she might shoot you with it.
# Posted on October 2nd 2008 by nicholas
Re: Musical jokes
A Catholic priest, a Church of Ireland reverend, a rabbi, and a kilted one-armed fiddler walk into a bar.
The priest, the reverend, and the rabbi each tell the fiddler that as they worship God they reach both of their arms to heaven. They ask the fiddler how he is able to do what he does with just the one arm.
The kilted one-armed fiddler kicks off one shoe and pulls off his sock. The three religious men assume the fiddler will hold the bow between his toes, but instead he raises his left foot to shoulder-height to grip the neck of the fiddle with his toes, holding the bow with his one hand.
'I do everything arse backwards,' said the fiddler. Glancing down the three discover the gentleman is not joking.
(From Angus A. MacFarleigh's 'The Kilted One-Armed Fiddler: A Treasure Trove of Assured Jollity, Second Part.')
# Posted on October 2nd 2008 by NEW Pure Drop® Ear Canal Oil
Re: Musical jokes
What do cheap melodeons and Greek tragedies have in common?
Appalling actions.
What's the difference between a Pokerwork melodeon and an invalid buggy?
You can go as fast as you need to on an invalid buggy.
# Posted on October 2nd 2008 by nicholas
Re: Musical jokes
Why do Scottish pipers march when they're playing?
To get away from the drummers
# Posted on October 2nd 2008 by bogman
Re: Musical jokes
What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker?
A dressmaker tucks up the frills.
# Posted on October 2nd 2008 by Tall, Dark, and Mysterious
Re: Musical jokes
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just steal someone else's light.
# Posted on October 2nd 2008 by bowburner
Re: Musical jokes
What's the best thing for fixing pipe reeds?
Superglue.
# Posted on October 2nd 2008 by nicholas
Re: Musical jokes
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
(Don't shoot me, I love banjos and accordions)
# Posted on October 2nd 2008 by Fishmonger
Re: Musical jokes
Why is the GHB a miraculous instrument?
A few notes from it can give a crowd more than enough.
# Posted on October 2nd 2008 by nicholas
Re: Musical jokes
What's the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?
Most folks take their shoes off before jumping on the trampoline.
(I play the accordion... so I've heard a few of them)
# Posted on October 2nd 2008 by pbassnote
Re: Musical jokes
Yep, the old ones are the best.
# Posted on October 2nd 2008 by Bob himself
Re: Musical jokes
Gentleman : \'jen-t*l-man\ n.
A man that knows how to play GBH, but abstains from doing so.
# Posted on October 2nd 2008 by Fanning
Re: Musical jokes
Paddy, Joe, and Mike are having a cozy little session in the snug down at McCarthy's Pub, enjoying a quiet spot of tunes over pints of the black stuff. It's just them on fiddle, flute, and whistle.
Then in walks a stranger carrying a big black case.
"Jaysus, I hope that's not a guitar," says Mike.
Sure enough, the newcomer hauls a big dreadnaught Gibson out of the case and pulls up a stool. "Mind if I play, thanks," he says, and promptly begins hammering at the strings with a chip of steel for a pick, making an awful noise.
Not wanting to be discourteous, Paddy, Joe, and Mike strike up a tune, though nothing seems to fit the lurching cacaphony coming from the guitar.
Midway through the set, another stranger comes in the door with a huge rucksack over his shoulder. From it, he pulls the largest bodhran any of them have ever seen, like a full harvest moon, half as broad as the man is tall. The drum's shadow casts the snug into darkness as the man draws a billy club out of the sack and begins using it as a tipper. The thunder is like a thousand cattle on the roof. The guitarist joins in.
"BeJaysus!" cries Paddy. "A man can't hear himself think!"
"Aye, Paddy," says Joe. "But maybe if we play a wee tune they'll quiet down a bit."
So off they go into a gentle setting of Tar Road to Sligo amidst the roar.
Then, in walks a brush salesman. At least that's what the lads hope when they spot his odd-shaped case.
"Not from around here, is he?" shouts Paddy.
"The silk shirt does give it away, eh?" winks Joe.
The salesman sidles up to the snug and drops his case on the table, scattering glasses. He pulls up a stool, sits, and opens the case. To Paddy, Joe, and Mike's horror, out comes a piano accordion.
"Sweet Mary and Joseph!" curses Paddy.
"Mother help us," sobs Joe, "it's not in tune either!"
"And now he's playing the basses!" cries Mike.
Just then, a leprechaun pops onto the table, unnoticed by all but Paddy, Joe, and Mike.
"What an awful din," says the leprechaun. "It'll wake the dead and stir the banshees."
"True enough," says Paddy. "Use your magic to make it stop."
"My magic only works on you locals," says the leprechaun. "These sods are obviously tourists."
"Well then grant me three wishes," says Joe.
The leprechaun thinks a spell and then speaks. "I'll tell you what I'll do. Instead of giving Joe here three wishes, I'll grant the each of you just one wish, to do with as you please."
Paddy jumps at the offer. "It's so noisy and annoying in here--I wish I was home in me own kitchen, playing soft tunes by the peat fire."
And POOF! Paddy's gone.
So Joe sits up and says, "Paddy's got the right idea! It IS noisy, annoying, and unfriendly in here. I wish I was in Paddy's kitchen too, playing tunes with him."
And POOF! Joe is gone.
So the leprechaun says, "Only one wish left. What do you want, Mike?"
And Mike looks at the leprechaun and says, "Paddy and Joe are right. It IS noisy, annoying, and unfriendly in here. I miss my friends. I sure wish they were back here with me."
# Posted on October 2nd 2008 by Will Harmon
Re: Musical jokes
Is there any subject more played out and tired that jokes about musicians?
# Posted on October 2nd 2008 by Björn
Re: Musical jokes
of course there is. How about "what's your favourite tune " for starters?
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by ...
Re: Musical jokes
hey dudes and dudettes like whats the best musical joke ever you know the one that youd tell if you could tell only one?
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by Will Harmon
Re: Musical jokes
Pete Docherty?
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by nicholas
Re: Musical jokes
I mean, PD is a subject, being British, and he seems somewhat played out and tired...
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by nicholas
Re: Musical jokes
So ... Pat, Jock, Evan and John are up for the firing squad ...
The Captain of the firing squad says, "OK you lot, you each have one special request before you die.
The Welshman says, "I'd like a 100 strong male voice choir from the valleys singing How Green is My Valley please?" No probs says the Captain.
The Scotsman says, "Can I have a 100 strong pipes and drums please playing The Flowers of Edinburgh?" Of course you can says the captain.
The Irishman says, "What I'd really like is a 100 of those lovely long legged dancing girls all in a line doing that River Dance thing?" Yeah, great, says the captain.
The Englishman asks, "Can you shoot me first?"
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by ...
Re: Musical jokes
There's a Northumbrian in there. He asks for his mates to be allowed to play a duet on the Northumbrian pipes before he is dispatched. This is OK'd, and the tuning-up begins.
After ten minutes of this, the firing squad have vanished.
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by nicholas
Re: Musical jokes
The term "ITM"
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by Lint - upon - Tweed
Re: Musical jokes
What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by Greg the Piano Tuner
Re: Musical jokes
A guitarist is busking in a shopping mall. A policeman approaches...
Policeman: "Can I see your busker's licence?"
Busker: "I don't have one."
Policeman: "In which case, you'll have to accompany me."
Busker: "Fine! What would you like to sing?"
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by Mix O'Lydian
Re: Musical jokes
Inscription on the gravestone of a blues singer:
"I didn't wake up this morning"
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by Mix O'Lydian
Re: Musical jokes
Three guitar chords (Am, Em and Dm) go into a bar...
Barman: "I'm sorry, we don't serve minor's in here!"
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by Mix O'Lydian
Re: Musical jokes
Seen on a sign outside of a pub:
"The most exclusive Irish session in town - everyone welcome!"
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by Mix O'Lydian
Re: Musical jokes
Some great jokes...thanks
There's a man playing the piano in a bar and someone asks him if he'll do requests. Yes, he say what would you like? He says 'Can my mate have a turn on the piano'
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by Sandy Holdom
Re: Musical jokes
This is not so much a musical joke but a joke i saw in the toilets of a musical pub (the Cobblestone). Written on the condom machine in the men's toilets it says:
'Insert baby for refund"
gets me everytime.
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by fiddleruairi
Re: Musical jokes
No jokes about bodhrans here yet.
.
.
.
.
.
LOL
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by swisspiper
Re: Musical jokes
It does say *"musical"* jokes...
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by nicholas
Re: Musical jokes
what's the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
puts on her clothes and goes home
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by Greg the Piano Tuner
Re: Musical jokes
A lad wants to learn the bass so books lessons. The first week he learned the note D. The second week he got on better and learned the notes G and A. The tutor gets a phone call the following week and the lad tells him he has to cancel his lesson. "What's wrong?" asked the tutor, "You'd get better with practise". "No, it's not that" said the lad, "It's just that I've got a gig"
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by bogman
Re: Musical jokes
Q: How did the soprano switch the light off after having sex
A: She shut the car door
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by geoffwright
Re: Musical jokes
Are the sopranos all Essex girls ?
I thought they were from New Jersey.
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by Guernsey Pete
Re: Musical jokes
Sussex actually.
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by Skull Duggeraigh Dubh
Re: Musical jokes
"A lad wants to learn the bass so books lessons. The first week he learned the note D. The second week he got on better and learned the notes G and A. The tutor gets a phone call the following week and the lad tells him he has to cancel his lesson. "What's wrong?" asked the tutor, "You'd get better with practise". "No, it's not that" said the lad, "It's just that I've got a gig""
Haha bogman
- How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
- Two. One to change the bulb, the other sing a song about how much better the old one was.
Stll my favourite all-time joke.
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by dee.
Re: Musical jokes
ha, I've always liked the light bulb jokes. This is one of my faves:
- How many femenists does it take to change a light bulb?
- One. And it's not funny
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by ...
Re: Musical jokes
Not musical, but how many Microsoft execs does it take to change a light bulb? None, just redefine darkness as an industry standard.
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by RichardB
Re: Musical jokes
lol both crackers, this is setting me up nice for the weekend
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by dee.
Re: Musical jokes
Nonononononono.
You need FIVE folksingers to change a lightbulb; one to change it and the other four to sing in harmony about how good the old one was.......
How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
Californians don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in jacuzzis.
How many Jewish grandmothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They'd rather sit in the dark.
How many analysts does it take to change a lightbulb.
Only one, but the lightbulb really has to want to change.
How many WASPS ?
Two; one to mix the martinis, one to phone the electrician.
Sorry, off-messgae.
How many banjo players/ pipers/accordionists/electric bass-players does it take ?
Can you speak up a bit, I didn't quite catch that ?
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by Guernsey Pete
Re: Musical jokes
...off-messgae......a one-pot stew gone bad ?
Off-message.
Sack the proofreader.
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by Guernsey Pete
Re: Musical jokes
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
1 5 1 5 1 5 1 5 1 5 1 5 ...
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by GaryAMartin
Re: Musical jokes
I sing tenor in a local Sacred harp ( shape-note ) group.
Altos are a bit like viola players, they add to the total mix but what they get to do themselves is not often musically very interesting.
Recently someone repeated the suggestion that, to recognize a good alto part, you hold the music up to your eye and squint along the stave; if the alto part resembles a heart-monitor-trace rather than a straight line it's a good part.
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by Guernsey Pete
Re: Musical jokes
Many years ago, I was the piccolo player in an orchestra that toured the world, playing in venues great and small.
One night in Istanbul, we played before a wealthy pasha, and when we were done he gushed: "Oh, for giving me a night of such wonderful music, I will fill each of your instruments with gold coins!"
The tuba player got rich.
The double bass player got rich.
And there I was with my little piccolo.
A week later, we did a performance in a concert hall in Bavaria, and afterwards an old duke came backstage to praise us: "That was one of the best experiences I've ever had! I will fill each of your instruments with jewels!"
The tuba player got rich.
The double bass player got rich.
And there I was with my little piccolo.
A few days after that, we stopped over at a theater in the west of Ireland. To be honest, it wasn't the best performance we'd ever done -- we were pretty tired from touring -- and at the end of the concert, there was only a bit of faint applause. Then a voice came from the back of the hall: "Jaysus, yez all sounded terrible. Yez can stick yer bloody instruments up yer arses!"
The tuba player couldn't do it.
The double bass player couldn't do it.
But there I was with my little piccolo...
# Posted on October 3rd 2008 by sts
Re: Musical jokes
Whatever turns you on, I suppose...
# Posted on October 4th 2008 by nicholas
Re: Musical jokes
What do you say to a drummer with a beautiful girl on his arm?
Nice tattoo, mate!
# Posted on October 4th 2008 by fynnjamin
Re: Musical jokes
how do you know if there's a bodhran player at your door?
the knocking gets faster, and when you open the door he doesn't know when to come in.
definition of a bass player: halfway between a drummer and a musician.
definition of a minor second: two flutes playing in unison.
still my favourite anecdote is the one told about the conductor Sir Thomas Beecham:
while rehearsing with an orchestra, Beecham was getting frustrated by the sound of the lead female cellist, until finally he cried out, "Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of bringing pleasure to thousands, yet all you can do is sit there and scratch it!"
# Posted on October 4th 2008 by fynnjamin
Re: Musical jokes
My favourite Beecham quote is when he was getting frustrated at not being able to get across how he wanted the first fiddles to play a particular bit, and came out with the classic line:
"More GLOBULAR, gentlemen, more GLOBULAR!"
# Posted on October 4th 2008 by ethical blend
Re: Musical jokes
LIghtbulbs again--
Q: How many bass players to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The keyboard player does it with her left hand.
# Posted on October 4th 2008 by Piece
Re: Musical jokes
Q. How many musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. A one a two a one two three four...
# Posted on October 4th 2008 by greg sheils
Re: Musical jokes
How do you know when there is a Ceili Band at the door?
They knock four times and all come in together.
True Story..I was watching 'America's Got Talent' earlier this week (not deliberately..you understand) Two Accordionists came on. They were a bit cheesy but could play well. They got ten seconds before the were booted off. One of the judges, Piers Morgan (smug git) made the remark that "there is only one thing worse than an accordion player.. that's two accordion players".
# Posted on October 4th 2008 by Free Reed
Re: Musical jokes
Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sat in a bar having a quiet drink. Willis says he's bored with being a film star and wants to l become a famous composer. Stallone says "what do ya mean Bruce?" "Well" says Willis, "I'll be Beethoven" and he goes over to the piano and plays a brilliant piece of music in the style of the deaf old composer. "Great" says Stallone, "what about you Arnold?"
Schwarzenneger stands up and walks out. As he goes he grunts, over his shoulder, "I'll be Bach!"
# Posted on October 4th 2008 by greg sheils
Re: Musical jokes
A guitarist and an accordionist are at band practice and during a break, the guitarist gets out a Thermos flask and pours himself a piping hot cup of coffee. The accordionist watches incredulously and says "What is that thing? How is that coffee still hot?"
The guitarist replies "It's a Thermos flask. It'll keep hot things hot and cold things cold. I made this coffee at 9am this morning and it's still piping hot, see?"
The accordionist says "That's absolutely brilliant. I'm gonna have to get one of those!"
So next week at band practice, the guitarist and accordionist sit down together and the accordionist proudly gets out a shiny new Thermos flask.
"So you got one then?" the guitarist asks.
"Yep," said the accordionist, very pleased with himself. "Just like yours, see?"
"Very good," the guitarist replies, pouring himself some coffee, "What you got in there then?"
"Two cups of tea and an ice cream..."
Substitute prejudices as you like!
# Posted on October 4th 2008 by snowyowl
Re: Musical jokes
What do you call a bunch of middle-aged folkies?
A globalised company.
# Posted on October 4th 2008 by nicholas
Re: Musical jokes
Something fishy about those bass jokes.
Approximately thirty years ago, I saw the following message on the wall in a men's room at Cogan's in Norfolk, Virginia: "Regurgitato, ergo suum".
The late Lawrence Welk never did learn to speak English fluently--especially slang and idiomatic terms. One day, during rehearsal for his weekly show, Welk was dissatisfied with the amount of effort and the playing of the trumpet and trombone players. He told the musicians to, "Play more horny guys!" and everybody started laughing. Did Welk understand why they were laughing? No, but when someone took Welk aside and explained why everybody was laughing, Welk blushed bright red.
# Posted on October 4th 2008 by fauxcelt
Re: Musical jokes
Re fauxcelt's Lawrence Welk anecdote
There's a classic radio blooper in which an announcer introduces famed trumpeter and bandleader Al Hirt: "We hear now the horny sound of Al Hirt!"
# Posted on October 5th 2008 by sts
Re: Musical jokes
Was Hirt still able to play despite what the announcer said?
Joann Castle told that story and some others about Welk when I saw her perform in person in 1985.
# Posted on October 5th 2008 by fauxcelt
Re: Musical jokes
A safari guide was leading a group through the African jungle when they began to hear drums. The guide assured the group there was nothing to worry about as long as the drums kept playing.
Suddenly, the drums stopped. The guide froze in absolute terror. The group asked the guide what was going to happen now that the drums stopped.
The guide said, "The bass solo!"
# Posted on October 5th 2008 by Jiml
Re: Musical jokes
Fauxcelt: I just heard the snippet on an LP collection of "classic radio and TV bloopers," so I don't know what went on after the intro. It may be that the announcer was in the studio and Hirt was performing at a remote location, so he may not have even been aware of the muck-up.
# Posted on October 5th 2008 by sts
Re: Musical jokes
Jimi's joke can be spun out to about 5 minutes with the right details....bit like a slow air, really.....
# Posted on October 5th 2008 by Guernsey Pete
Re: Musical jokes
The latest crime wave in inner cities?
Drive-by viola recitals....
# Posted on October 5th 2008 by marydora
Re: Musical jokes
Thank you sts.
Speaking of announcer mistakes.....many years ago, when the local public radio station (KLRE) was doing a live, on-air fundraiser, one of the groups which volunteered to perform was a choral group from OBU (Ouachita Baptist University) called the Ouachita Baptist Singers.
Several members of the Friends of KLRE had volunteered to help with the announcing. All of these volunteer announcers did a good job except for the attorney who was supposed to announce the choral group from OBU. This man said, live and on the air that we would now hear a performance by the "Ouachita Baptist University Sinners".
# Posted on October 5th 2008 by fauxcelt
Re: Musical jokes
Tony MacMahon
# Posted on October 5th 2008 by continuo
Re: Musical jokes
A favourite here is the comment supposedly made at a match by the cricket commentator Brian Johnston:
"The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey..."
That was the players and their roles, for sure; but the comment I gather is an urban myth.
# Posted on October 5th 2008 by nicholas
Re: Musical jokes
Tony is a brilliant player continuo, you think you can do better? Why not upload a sample of your playing? Jeez you must be reel good eh? Musical joke! my Ar$e.
# Posted on October 5th 2008 by piobagusfidil
Re: Musical jokes
Not musical, but ...
Q: How many dadaists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: To get to the other side.
# Posted on October 6th 2008 by ethical blend
Re: Musical jokes
Oscar Wilde upon first hearing the uilleann pipes-
"Thank God there's no smell..."
# Posted on October 7th 2008 by pipewatcher
Re: Musical jokes
Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: CHANGE? We don't want CHANGE...
Q: How do you know if the floor is level at your session pub?
A: The dribble comes out from both sides of the banjo player's mouth.
# Posted on October 7th 2008 by McDermott
Re: Musical jokes
RE: Tony is a brilliant player continuo, you think you can do better? Why not upload a sample of your playing? Jeez you must be reel good eh? Musical joke! my Ar$e.
Ionnanas - steady on there, wasn't talking about his playing, but all the sh!!te he goes on with in between. Where's your sense of humour...
# Posted on October 7th 2008 by continuo
Re: Musical jokes
Well i can't comment on the other stuff...
. My sense of humour? I had to trade it in as part payment on my new fiddle. sorry.
The thread was about musical jokes. so here's one;
Q; What is the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A ; you only have to punch the information in once with a drum machine..
# Posted on October 7th 2008 by piobagusfidil
Re: Musical jokes
The lads left the pub after a long night of drinking and sessioning, and got into their car. The fiddler was driving and he started it up. After a couple of minutes of driving, an old man's face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
The banjo player screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The fiddler; jim, sped up, but the face stayed in the window. His mate rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got a cigarette?" The banjo player handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to fiddler jim, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing. fiddler jim said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry... the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," The banjo player yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The banjoman threw a lighter out the window and simultaneously (to the fiddler) saying, "Step on it!"
They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!" The banjo man rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied, "You guys want some help getting out of the mud?"
# Posted on October 8th 2008 by piobagusfidil
Re: Musical jokes
Tommy Cooper joke:
I found an old violin and an old painting. I took them to an expert. He said 'what you have here is a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt wasn't any good at making violins, and Stradivarius was a rotten painter.'
# Posted on October 9th 2008 by McDermott
Re: Musical jokes
Seemingly MacMahon was doing a gig with some other musicians in Dublin a good few years back, and at payment time, the other musicians got £50 and Tony £30.
When MacMahon complained about getting short-changed, he was told - 'we pay for music, not for a sermon'!
# Posted on October 14th 2008 by continuo
Re: Musical jokes
cheeky feckers. just shows me you cant trust employers without a written contract.
# Posted on October 14th 2008 by piobagusfidil