Ceolachan's recent post about "welcoming sessions" got me thinking about a situation I see come up at least once a month. Let's say your session has been ripping along at a good pace with your core group for a while. During one of the breaks you notice a newbie timidly playing a tune - just barely audible above the jokes and chatter of the regulars - sort of timidly sticking a toe into the musical waters with a common tune they hope someone might know. You can tell they are desperate to play having sat there for the past hour only listening to the session as the tunes sprinted past them.
What does your crowd typically do? Ignore the hapless sap and rip into a warp speed reel set? Or do you throw them a line, join them at their pace and play the tune with them?
We always welcome the player, and play at their pace. But we won't let them take over the session, which happens on occasion. From my experience, the clueless people that will never be able to play generally don't come back, and if they do, that's when the shoulder starts getting a little chillier.
The easiest way to let a beginner know that they're taking over the session is to stop playing with them after the second or third time they've tried to start a set. They're never comfortable enough to keep going solo, and it teaches them a good lesson. Don't start something that you aren't willing to play solo.
But my sessions always ask newcomers if they'd like to play something.
Actually grego, that's a picture of me meeting a few members of Llig's third group and inviting them in for a few tunes in our 'well-heated private room'.
a few weeks ago a couple of these crusty train-rider types wandered into the session. one had a fiddle, the other a musical saw!! The bartender came over and informed them( after they had scratched and sqealed their way through "ol joe clark") that this is a session for traditional irish music- thus assuring them they would be given no free pints for playing. they left propmptly! sometimes the group that plays here is too welcoming for its own good, but the bartenders know where to draw the line!!
I have prepared a "session calling card" that I give to all new sessioneers that contains the following information.
1. I am McCracken
2. If you play "Wizard's Walk" that is fine, just be sure to provide me with a bucket to puke in.
3. I am half Irish, 1/2 Scottish and 3/4 SOB, that's why it doesn't matter what strings I use.
4. No, I would not be interested in joining your pathetic shamrock sucking band.
5. The only sheet music we use here is in the bathroom.
6. I don't give a flying freak that Lunasa is your favorite band.
7. Please take all looks and cold shoulders as an invitation to the door because your playing is horrid.
8. Welcome!, and have a wonderful time.
pipewatcher's got a good point. We're lucky in that regard too. The pub manager works when our session is on, he likes the music, bless him. Anyway, he tells me one day "I don't mind giving pints to you and the 'real musicians' (his words!) but this guy over here with the spoons, he ain't doing nothing and I never seen him before, no pints for him." Hilarious.
Well, in MY session, we have given the bouncers (two 7-footers, kicked out of the Russian Secret Service for excessive violence) orders that they are to pin down anyone they don't recognise that comes with an instrument case, and forcibly tattoo on the inside of their eyelids the following:
1. I am Joe CSS
2. If you wish to play The Czar of Munster that is fine, as long as you are happy playing with a bullet hole through your head.
3. I am 1/2 Irish, 1/2 English, 1/2 Jewish and 1/2 Mad, so it doesn't matter what colour my fiddle is.
4. I am Joe CSS
5. You see this guy here, with the eye-patch? He makes Uilleann pipes. He says that human bladders make the best bags.
6. If your name is not John Joe Kelly, do not even consider opening that circular case.
7. I AM Joe CSS
8. There is plenty sheet music in the scorpion pit at the back of the pub.
9. I don't give a flying fork (hint hint) that you are related to someone who was in Riverdance.
10. You are probably not as good as any of us. Do not expect pity.
11. I AM JOE CSS
I am related to someone who had to drag Riverdance for remains. The aftermath.
This playing for pints business reminds me how just before intermission I was on my hands and knees thirstily dabbing at any black stout spilled on the bar floor then raising up again and again my sopping quench-rag then railing toothlessly at the Almighty, "As God is my witness, I will never play for pints again," and the music swelling and the houselights coming up and people standing and stretching and making for the lobby for Cokes, not pints. Popcorn sales were flat.
as a form, this is brilliant...
1. I am the Pipewatcher
2. If you must play "Jennie's Chickens" I'll be outside having a smoke
3. I am 3/4 Irish, 1/2 Spanish, 1/2 Acerbic and 100% Fed up, so don't ask me who made my f@#*!$ng pipes
4. If you can't play, you will be so badly insulted that you'll have to go into hiding for a month
5. If you insist on showing me the harp tattooed on your bicep, please provide me with a bucket to puke in
6. I am the Pipewatcher. I am so weak and scrawny, anyone would be ashamed to hit me!
7. If it's sheet music you want, there's plenty of lonely drunk people here tonight
8. Pipers: No I don't give lessons. If you want to learn the pipes, do it on your own time-not mine
9. Nice talkin' to ya...
Now let's try a card for the "customers" (non-musicians)
Brill...
Will CPT, I thought "udder" humiliation was supposed to be reserved for female musicians who can't play?
I agree with Michael when he says that it is possible to tell the difference between those people who can't play yet and the people who will never be able to play just by listening to them.
So, SWFL Fiddler, if you attack and eat all strangers, does that mean the people at your local session are humanitarians? (as in vegetarians are people who eat vegetables)
If I had a "session calling card", this is probably what I would have on it:
Yes, I am the piano player at this session.
You are welcome to play anything you want so long as it is something Irish or Scottish.
If I choose not to accompany you because I either don't like the tune or don't know it, that isn't my problem.
However, if you don't want me to accompany you, all you have to do is ask me nicely and I will be glad to sit there quietly and listen to you.
My ancestry is so mixed up that I don't have the slightest idea which half or quarter or sixteenth of me is Irish or Scottish or Martian or whatever other planet.
I am not interested in joining your band.
We don't use sheet music--we play by ear.
We don't want to know who your favorite band is.
Instead, we just want to know whether or not you can actually play the instrument you are holding in your hands.
Yes, I do give piano lessons but I expect my students to actually practice regularly.
And, last but not least, no I won't play any ragtime piano music for your listening (dis)pleasure because this is an Irish Jam Session instead of a ragtime session.
My set of rules has this disadvantage: it would discourage the diffident but sensitive stranger, and make no impression on the terminally obtuse one flown with bravado and substances. But here it is, all the same:
All playing attempted by a stranger will be recorded by nearby devices. At a given point the session will stop and his/her most intimate noodlings will be replayed, isolated from background noise, for the purposes of derision, merriment and detailed analysis.
It will also be made clear to the player that he/she will star on YouTube, the musical efforts perhaps also being used as a sardonic backing to home movies of a droll or inventive nature.
Attempts to induce a mood of pathos by playing some dreary piece in E Dorian, or through the medium of song, may well be met by the production and use of one of those little laughing machines you could get at joke shops, one of which I really should acquire for this purpose.
Exit from the room for whatever purpose will be made impossible until the newcomer has bought drinks for all the sessioners and their mates. These may well include expensive cocktails with embarassing names, if money is no object to the recipients.
I have enjoyed the way this thread has descended from a thoughtful analysis as to how or not to help ease a sincere, but shy newbie into a session into a list of "tough neighborhood" rules. Bonus point to New Pure Drops and Nicholas for thoughtful and articulate responses.
Ok - here's our session calling card & rules
1) Welcome - we are here to play Irish and Scottish music - You say you're actually from Ireland? Oh sorry, my mistake - the Country and Western bar is down the street -
2) I am 80% Irish and 20% English - that means every so often I have to illegally occupy myself.
3) If you have shown up with a djembe or think this is some sort of bluegrass rasta-love free-for-all open jam session, I will personally break my troll-like foot off in your hind-parts as you are physically escorted from the pub.
4) Please tip your wait staff. Even on a complimentary pint.
I am the boldest, baddest lad what ever pulled a half-tuned fiddle from its case and limped into Egan’s Polka. My daddy was a sawyer and my momma played the lottery. When I play, bats fly into walls. Pods of whales beach themselves. I’ve forgotten more melodies than I’ll ever learn. I play with sheet music but only because I don’t know the score. I read dots the way dunce-capped kiddies read lessons – I even move my lips and silently mouth the phrases. But I don’t really need the dots. I can always improvise. I noodle more than an extruder in a fettuccine factory. But at least I’m not timid – the only thing I’m shy of is a full set of synapses in the neocortex. If I can’t play good I play good and loud. And if I get a few bars behind it’s because I’m a few drinks ahead. Y’see, I got here early to get a good seat – YOUR seat – and I’m glued to it like burnt cheese on a casserol dish. Mwhahahah. Um, can I start a song?
We encourage new people if they actually have some ability and are willing to listen to advice and suggestions from the more experienced musicians at the session.
More McCracken you say? SWFL... What has happened?, you've had a few and suddenly old McCracken makes sense? Funny am I? Well we'll see if you like McCracken after he's had a few...
9. Is that a fiddle yer torturin or is that your exceuse to waste your no talent carcass on forearm areobics?
10. You have to get close enough to your guitars soundhole with your ears to hear the racket yer producin... closer... closer... closer... I knew yer pin head would fit in there!
11. Yes I love the celtic music too... so take your concert trained violin, yer crappily dyed red haired head, yer binder of sheet music, and head on home cause the Celtic Woman is on PBS at 9.
12. Here while yer at it, don't be a freeloader and givem something from me... a shiny quarter.
13. Tellem McCracken said hello.
For the record, these latest comments were in no way directed towards SWFL, I don't know him at all... MccRacken doesn't like being misunderstood.
-McCracken
11. Yes I love the celtic music too... so take your concert trained violin, yer crappily dyed red haired head, yer binder of sheet music, and head on home cause the Celtic Woman is on PBS at 9 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I said that???
The Timid Tune Tester
The Timid Tune Tester
Ceolachan's recent post about "welcoming sessions" got me thinking about a situation I see come up at least once a month. Let's say your session has been ripping along at a good pace with your core group for a while. During one of the breaks you notice a newbie timidly playing a tune - just barely audible above the jokes and chatter of the regulars - sort of timidly sticking a toe into the musical waters with a common tune they hope someone might know. You can tell they are desperate to play having sat there for the past hour only listening to the session as the tunes sprinted past them.
What does your crowd typically do? Ignore the hapless sap and rip into a warp speed reel set? Or do you throw them a line, join them at their pace and play the tune with them?
# Posted on September 10th 2008 by Jusa Nutter Eejit
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
Play with them at their tempo (and usually quieter, so they can hear themselves).
We reserve utter humiliation for the veteran players, like myself....
# Posted on September 10th 2008 by Will CPT
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
It depends whether they are someone who:
Can play: welcomed
Can't play yet: welcomed
Will never be able to play: cold shouldered.
And before you ask about how you can tell between the last two, you simply can.
# Posted on September 10th 2008 by llig leahcim
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
We attack and eat all strangers.
# Posted on September 10th 2008 by SWFL Fiddler
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
I'm kidding. We even suffer the idiots. 'Failte' is our vice. Peace be to all.
# Posted on September 10th 2008 by SWFL Fiddler
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
Heh, I like llig's answer.
We always welcome the player, and play at their pace. But we won't let them take over the session, which happens on occasion. From my experience, the clueless people that will never be able to play generally don't come back, and if they do, that's when the shoulder starts getting a little chillier.
# Posted on September 10th 2008 by Reverend
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
The easiest way to let a beginner know that they're taking over the session is to stop playing with them after the second or third time they've tried to start a set. They're never comfortable enough to keep going solo, and it teaches them a good lesson. Don't start something that you aren't willing to play solo.
But my sessions always ask newcomers if they'd like to play something.
# Posted on September 10th 2008 by Reverend
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
"... but my sessions always ask necomers if they'd like to play something"
http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Image:Hansel-and-gretel-rackham.jpg
# Posted on September 10th 2008 by grego
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
Actually grego, that's a picture of me meeting a few members of Llig's third group and inviting them in for a few tunes in our 'well-heated private room'.
# Posted on September 10th 2008 by SWFL Fiddler
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
The old line "you can play all you like, but you aren't getting paid" works wonders.
People hate to dominate for free.
# Posted on September 10th 2008 by bodhran bliss
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
a few weeks ago a couple of these crusty train-rider types wandered into the session. one had a fiddle, the other a musical saw!! The bartender came over and informed them( after they had scratched and sqealed their way through "ol joe clark") that this is a session for traditional irish music- thus assuring them they would be given no free pints for playing. they left propmptly! sometimes the group that plays here is too welcoming for its own good, but the bartenders know where to draw the line!!
# Posted on September 10th 2008 by pipewatcher
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
I am McCracken.
I have prepared a "session calling card" that I give to all new sessioneers that contains the following information.
1. I am McCracken
2. If you play "Wizard's Walk" that is fine, just be sure to provide me with a bucket to puke in.
3. I am half Irish, 1/2 Scottish and 3/4 SOB, that's why it doesn't matter what strings I use.
4. No, I would not be interested in joining your pathetic shamrock sucking band.
# Posted on September 10th 2008 by McCracken
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
5. The only sheet music we use here is in the bathroom.
6. I don't give a flying freak that Lunasa is your favorite band.
7. Please take all looks and cold shoulders as an invitation to the door because your playing is horrid.
8. Welcome!, and have a wonderful time.
-McCracken
# Posted on September 10th 2008 by McCracken
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
More McCracken, I want a thread of McCracken aphorisms.
# Posted on September 10th 2008 by SWFL Fiddler
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
pipewatcher's got a good point. We're lucky in that regard too. The pub manager works when our session is on, he likes the music, bless him. Anyway, he tells me one day "I don't mind giving pints to you and the 'real musicians' (his words!) but this guy over here with the spoons, he ain't doing nothing and I never seen him before, no pints for him." Hilarious.
# Posted on September 10th 2008 by SWFL Fiddler
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
Well, in MY session, we have given the bouncers (two 7-footers, kicked out of the Russian Secret Service for excessive violence) orders that they are to pin down anyone they don't recognise that comes with an instrument case, and forcibly tattoo on the inside of their eyelids the following:
1. I am Joe CSS
2. If you wish to play The Czar of Munster that is fine, as long as you are happy playing with a bullet hole through your head.
3. I am 1/2 Irish, 1/2 English, 1/2 Jewish and 1/2 Mad, so it doesn't matter what colour my fiddle is.
4. I am Joe CSS
5. You see this guy here, with the eye-patch? He makes Uilleann pipes. He says that human bladders make the best bags.
6. If your name is not John Joe Kelly, do not even consider opening that circular case.
7. I AM Joe CSS
8. There is plenty sheet music in the scorpion pit at the back of the pub.
9. I don't give a flying fork (hint hint) that you are related to someone who was in Riverdance.
10. You are probably not as good as any of us. Do not expect pity.
11. I AM JOE CSS
- Joe CSS
# Posted on September 11th 2008 by Joe CSS
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
I am related to someone who had to drag Riverdance for remains. The aftermath.
This playing for pints business reminds me how just before intermission I was on my hands and knees thirstily dabbing at any black stout spilled on the bar floor then raising up again and again my sopping quench-rag then railing toothlessly at the Almighty, "As God is my witness, I will never play for pints again," and the music swelling and the houselights coming up and people standing and stretching and making for the lobby for Cokes, not pints. Popcorn sales were flat.
# Posted on September 11th 2008 by NEW Pure Drop® Ear Canal Oil
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
Does anyone play Ping Pong?
# Posted on September 11th 2008 by Toppish
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
yes, I play ping pong.
Thanks for changing the subject.
# Posted on September 11th 2008 by leoj
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
C'mon, Joe CSS, tell us how you REALLY feel about visiting musicians. Don't be shy, now.
# Posted on September 11th 2008 by oldstrings
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
as a form, this is brilliant...
1. I am the Pipewatcher
2. If you must play "Jennie's Chickens" I'll be outside having a smoke
3. I am 3/4 Irish, 1/2 Spanish, 1/2 Acerbic and 100% Fed up, so don't ask me who made my f@#*!$ng pipes
4. If you can't play, you will be so badly insulted that you'll have to go into hiding for a month
5. If you insist on showing me the harp tattooed on your bicep, please provide me with a bucket to puke in
6. I am the Pipewatcher. I am so weak and scrawny, anyone would be ashamed to hit me!
7. If it's sheet music you want, there's plenty of lonely drunk people here tonight
8. Pipers: No I don't give lessons. If you want to learn the pipes, do it on your own time-not mine
9. Nice talkin' to ya...
Now let's try a card for the "customers" (non-musicians)
Brill...
# Posted on September 11th 2008 by pipewatcher
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
Sheet music is poorly played Mexican music isn't it?
# Posted on September 11th 2008 by RichardB
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
These 'calling cards' are crap
# Posted on September 11th 2008 by Bogman
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
Oh boy! I really did get out the wrong side of the bed this morning.
# Posted on September 11th 2008 by Bogman
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
Aye, I second bogman. Remind me not to visit any of the above sessions.
# Posted on September 11th 2008 by TheSilverSpear
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
Will CPT, I thought "udder" humiliation was supposed to be reserved for female musicians who can't play?
I agree with Michael when he says that it is possible to tell the difference between those people who can't play yet and the people who will never be able to play just by listening to them.
So, SWFL Fiddler, if you attack and eat all strangers, does that mean the people at your local session are humanitarians? (as in vegetarians are people who eat vegetables)
If I had a "session calling card", this is probably what I would have on it:
Yes, I am the piano player at this session.
You are welcome to play anything you want so long as it is something Irish or Scottish.
If I choose not to accompany you because I either don't like the tune or don't know it, that isn't my problem.
However, if you don't want me to accompany you, all you have to do is ask me nicely and I will be glad to sit there quietly and listen to you.
My ancestry is so mixed up that I don't have the slightest idea which half or quarter or sixteenth of me is Irish or Scottish or Martian or whatever other planet.
I am not interested in joining your band.
We don't use sheet music--we play by ear.
We don't want to know who your favorite band is.
Instead, we just want to know whether or not you can actually play the instrument you are holding in your hands.
Yes, I do give piano lessons but I expect my students to actually practice regularly.
And, last but not least, no I won't play any ragtime piano music for your listening (dis)pleasure because this is an Irish Jam Session instead of a ragtime session.
# Posted on September 11th 2008 by fauxcelt
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
My set of rules has this disadvantage: it would discourage the diffident but sensitive stranger, and make no impression on the terminally obtuse one flown with bravado and substances. But here it is, all the same:
All playing attempted by a stranger will be recorded by nearby devices. At a given point the session will stop and his/her most intimate noodlings will be replayed, isolated from background noise, for the purposes of derision, merriment and detailed analysis.
It will also be made clear to the player that he/she will star on YouTube, the musical efforts perhaps also being used as a sardonic backing to home movies of a droll or inventive nature.
Attempts to induce a mood of pathos by playing some dreary piece in E Dorian, or through the medium of song, may well be met by the production and use of one of those little laughing machines you could get at joke shops, one of which I really should acquire for this purpose.
Exit from the room for whatever purpose will be made impossible until the newcomer has bought drinks for all the sessioners and their mates. These may well include expensive cocktails with embarassing names, if money is no object to the recipients.
# Posted on September 11th 2008 by nicholas
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
I have enjoyed the way this thread has descended from a thoughtful analysis as to how or not to help ease a sincere, but shy newbie into a session into a list of "tough neighborhood" rules. Bonus point to New Pure Drops and Nicholas for thoughtful and articulate responses.
Ok - here's our session calling card & rules
1) Welcome - we are here to play Irish and Scottish music - You say you're actually from Ireland? Oh sorry, my mistake - the Country and Western bar is down the street -
2) I am 80% Irish and 20% English - that means every so often I have to illegally occupy myself.
3) If you have shown up with a djembe or think this is some sort of bluegrass rasta-love free-for-all open jam session, I will personally break my troll-like foot off in your hind-parts as you are physically escorted from the pub.
4) Please tip your wait staff. Even on a complimentary pint.
# Posted on September 11th 2008 by Jusa Nutter Eejit
Re: The Bold Beginner
I am the boldest, baddest lad what ever pulled a half-tuned fiddle from its case and limped into Egan’s Polka. My daddy was a sawyer and my momma played the lottery. When I play, bats fly into walls. Pods of whales beach themselves. I’ve forgotten more melodies than I’ll ever learn. I play with sheet music but only because I don’t know the score. I read dots the way dunce-capped kiddies read lessons – I even move my lips and silently mouth the phrases. But I don’t really need the dots. I can always improvise. I noodle more than an extruder in a fettuccine factory. But at least I’m not timid – the only thing I’m shy of is a full set of synapses in the neocortex. If I can’t play good I play good and loud. And if I get a few bars behind it’s because I’m a few drinks ahead. Y’see, I got here early to get a good seat – YOUR seat – and I’m glued to it like burnt cheese on a casserol dish. Mwhahahah. Um, can I start a song?
# Posted on September 11th 2008 by fidkid
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
We encourage new people if they actually have some ability and are willing to listen to advice and suggestions from the more experienced musicians at the session.
# Posted on September 11th 2008 by fauxcelt
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
Of course! We're all just having a bit of fun here. I'm really a super-friendly dude, and we love new faces.
If you're real nice to us, we'll even share our mystery stew with you. No, I wouldn't ask what's in it, just enjoy.
# Posted on September 11th 2008 by SWFL Fiddler
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
More McCracken you say? SWFL... What has happened?, you've had a few and suddenly old McCracken makes sense? Funny am I? Well we'll see if you like McCracken after he's had a few...
9. Is that a fiddle yer torturin or is that your exceuse to waste your no talent carcass on forearm areobics?
10. You have to get close enough to your guitars soundhole with your ears to hear the racket yer producin... closer... closer... closer... I knew yer pin head would fit in there!
11. Yes I love the celtic music too... so take your concert trained violin, yer crappily dyed red haired head, yer binder of sheet music, and head on home cause the Celtic Woman is on PBS at 9.
12. Here while yer at it, don't be a freeloader and givem something from me... a shiny quarter.
13. Tellem McCracken said hello.
# Posted on September 12th 2008 by McCracken
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
For the record, these latest comments were in no way directed towards SWFL, I don't know him at all... MccRacken doesn't like being misunderstood.
-McCracken
# Posted on September 12th 2008 by McCracken
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
Here ya go, McCracken:
http://www.angerclassonline.com/default.aspx?gclid=CLm-hu6D15UCFSaiiQodNlAMWg
# Posted on September 12th 2008 by oldstrings
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
McCracken, you're priceless. UN should declare you a global cultural site or something.
Up McCracken! [thumps bar]
# Posted on September 12th 2008 by SWFL Fiddler
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
ARGHHH! My freakin head!. Rye Whisky! Rey Whisky! Rye Whisky! I CRY! If I can't have rye whisky I surely will die!
# Posted on September 13th 2008 by McCracken
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
11. Yes I love the celtic music too... so take your concert trained violin, yer crappily dyed red haired head, yer binder of sheet music, and head on home cause the Celtic Woman is on PBS at 9 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I said that???
SWFL... yer right I am priceless!
# Posted on September 13th 2008 by McCracken
Re: The Timid Tune Tester
Nicholas---Yer feckin' wicked---------and I love it !!!
# Posted on September 14th 2008 by hauke