My true love wants me out cycling or out visiting friends or some other stuff when I want to be practicing my fiddle. She wants to talk..I want to practice, whe wants to go out I want to practice....Reminds me of an old John Prine song Dear Abby..
Now she is starting to get up my nose, she doesn't like trad, and she doesn't like listening to it...How the hell can I get my 2 hours a day in?
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Make an agreement with her. You will do *this* if she lets you do *that*. You might not be able to play for 2 hours a day, because it's always going to involve a compromise, but 1/2 hour to an hour is better than nothing!
My husband isn't a musician and doesn't understand my music, but he knows how important it is to me so he supports and encourages me. Likewise I'm not into skiing but I go with him anyway, because it's what he loves to do.
I'm careful to keep a balance in my life, and I don't get to play as much as I want to, or go to as many sessions or concerts as I want to, but I have a happy marriage and it's worth it.
It comes down to what's important to you - the relationship and the music - and you *can* have both. Don't sacrifice a relationship for the sake of your music. You could end up a brilliant but lonely old musician, and there are plenty of those around.
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
I'd echo that you *can* have both - by simply accepting your needs and stating them. Having a musician partner helps, but not to the huge extent you might imagine. My wife is also a musician but that doesn't mean there aren't the normal domestic things to be done (washing up, cooking, gardening, etc, etc). We simply say when we need some time to work alone on something.
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Nope, been divorced four years. "Why don't you play more classical music?!?" then she goes and runs off with a country music-listening construction worker. Bi polar is a terrible illness. [shrug]
In all seriousness, by buddy who lives around the corner comes over to my house to play, banjo and whistle. His wife can't stand instrumental music, allegedly. [further shrugging] He has to practice when she leaves the house, or if he's running to the store or something, he'll stop by my house and play while he's out. Obviously he's a session fiend like I. She's cool with it. She understands he's got to play, and he understands she don't like it. So they compromise with each other.
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Dear Shylock,
Many readers send me letters with a similar complaint. Just remember--you are what you are, and you ain't what you aint.
Any long-term relationship see-saws over a never-resolving tension between living your own life (and your partner living his or hers) while also living the life of a connected couple. How to be "we" while still being "me." It never goes away, but the happiest couples (and individuals) find ways to do the dance so it work for both people.
Sometimes it is a compromise--giving up something for an overall arrangement you can live with. Sometimes it's more about timing--don't expect to leave for a week-long festival when she's planned to remodel the bathroom that week.
More often (at least in my 23 years with the same woman), it's about taking turns and *supporting the partner* in their own endeavors. It might seem counter-intuitive that learning to ride a horse and being my wife's stable boy would give me more time to play music, but that's how it works. She's happy in her passion, happy that I take interest and part in it, and in return she encourages me to get out to my weekly sessions or invite friends over to the house for tunes.
Not that life is always balanced and smooth and equitable. You have to keep after it, adjust to the motions of the waves and troughs and occasional blast of cross wind.
Then again, maybe your current partner really isn't the love of your life (nor you hers), and you'd be better off with someone who enjoys and supports your musical life.
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Shylock, here's another approach. You started a previous thread with:
"I find my days are too short to get all the practice I need in....I start with intonation, and then I play scales....but then just when it's getting interesting I have to do something else and it's a day at most before i can get back to my practicing and playing...I need more time in my life."
So did you heed the advice people gave you there? Quit spending time on scales and intonation drills--play the *tunes* (you can pay attention to intonation and intervals while playing the tunes). Keep an instrument ready at hand for any spare time that pops up during your day.
P.S. What are your goals with this music? It you want to be good enough to contribute to most sessions, just play the tunes. If you spend most of your available time playing tunes, perhaps you'll be more satisfied at the end of a day (even if you did spend 4 hours shopping at the mall with your sweetie).
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
My wife is a musician/composer/arranger. I play guitar in her band. If I do what she wants the way she wants me to do it we live in total harmony. But, If I complain...
Actually, I'm very lucky to have married someone (second marriage, BTW) with a passion for and similar taste in music. We're into our 18th year together and we're practicing, rehearsing, gigging, and sessioning (at home) more than ever. In fact, she's always saying, "If push comes to shove in this crazy world we can always sell all our stuff and busk our way around the world...." And she's dead serious. Mind you, we're in our mid 50s!
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
I'm currently single... but i do have housemates that like to interrupt practice at the most in-appropriate moments... even if i'm in my room... with the door shut.
Maybe i should practice naked?? that would stop them barging in!
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Wasn't there some sort of discussion about session points before. The idea being that you need to do non-musical things to earn the points and be careful not to let your account go into the red.
All relationships are about give and take. You need to let the other half do things on her own, you need to do things on your own (music obviously) and finally you need to do things together. Without the last one you will just grow apart over time and there won't be a relationship to destroy.
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Dump her now, or even better, start an affair with a trad musician and leave clues everywhere, then have a massive argument when she confronts you, and *then* dump her.
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Another alternative that worked for an ex-colleague of mine....separate houses! They actually bought back to back properties with a connecting gate through the back fence. None of his stuff entered her house, and none of her stuff his house - and weeknights they slept in their own houses....and they visited each other on weekends! And they've been happily living that way for 26 years.
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Surely everyone needs a certain amount of time to pursue their own activities no matter what they are. After all, there are 24 hours in a day. Maybe it's just a matter of laying down some ground rules.
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
I hear that Jack Canny (RIP - brother of Paddy) had to quit playing
fiddle for 45 years or so after he married and emigrated here to
Oz. He started up again after his wife passed away - I guess
that's one way to resolve it ...
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
I practice between 7 and 9 am on weekdays after my wife
goes off to work and before I head off myself. Sometimes
I play a bit at lunchtime if I need to get in earlier. On weekends -
while she is out in the garden or whatever.
It is no fun for anybody to hear me play 'Jenny's welcome to
charlie' or 'White swans at Coole' or [fill in the blank]
20 times in row
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
- dear Shylock - I don't have a partner but I do have five cats one of whom does get in the way of my practicing - whenever I play reels she jumps on my lap and apparently tries to comfort me..(which makes playing a little difficult when you play a long instrument like the tenor recorder...and I didn't think I sounded that sad...), she doesnt seem to mind 3/4 however, I have to practice reels when she is otherwise occupied - like eating...
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
'Ti ddim yn chwarae'r fec**ng banjo 'na eto!---says the wife in Welsh--You're not playing that fec***g banjo again! At least it's nice to know that others go through the same problems, life's highs and lows. I'll have to persuade her to read this thread.She likes the music really , when it doesn't interfere with household chores.By the way , wasn't the interview with Martin Hayes on Clare Keville's programme the other night great , ----what it's really all about .
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
My only cat has sworn that some day he will get into the fiddle case. It's his only aim in life (apart from sleeping). He is tired of sleeping on the bouzouki bag and would like a change.
But something he cannot stand is the whistle. Each time the cat spots the whistle in our hands he goes out to the garden with an angry look.
No problem with my wife, though... we enjoy playing together. I mean... well, you know what I mean.
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Sometimes it's even worse when both play and one gets asked for a gig where the other is not included, LOL! Always tricky no matter what. Some of the worst breakups or near breakups I have seen is when that happens too often. The other looks on it almost as infidelity, maybe even worse, since the music is often one of the most important things to them if not the most important, after kids. It makes the spouse who is not so crazy about the music and gripes a bit look tame by comparison.... so count your blessings if all else is good, and work out a bargain.... what is the most important thing to them.... do it, and if that isn't enough.... play anyway, in the basement, out of earshot, in moderation (though it's hard not to be obsessive about our music) and tune out the gripes. Some people are never happy. Usually it is those who have no passion for something of their own, they get jealous of what you have, your connection to other musicians etc., so you might try to interest him/her in something, a cooking class, a craft of sorts. I have taught many women very basic and simple jewelry making and paper crafts and they get obesessed, you might surprise a wife with a class for a gift, or a husband with something he'd enjoy to the point of obsession. If that doesn't work there is always good natured bribery!
Some people just don't want you to be happy though, and will try to poison what you love most, make you as miserable as they are. To me it would be like cutting off my air supply and wouldn't be very good at all. I'd die mentally and emotionally without it, or just be living a half life. Still, not recommending ruining a family over it, though it just does happen on its own at times due to the music.
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
I'm into Dow's idea of the dramatic break-up and then it gives all your session buddies something to talk about for a while.
And Donough- in Melbs we have 'Pike Tokens' which you earn by going to sessions and can cash in if ye ever need to pike!
I have a garage at the back of my house with drum kits,guitars, and I can play there, Whistle, banjo, and have started the fiddle ( very basic tunes)
I am tolerated in the house, I practice late at night say, 11pm in the utility, say on the whistle..30 minutes is fine. I must say though.. I was unable to practice for two or three days...due to family engagements..and I was like an addict when I got back home..Which will I practice first? whistle,banjo or Fiddle ?
Is it all worth leaving your partner over ?? unless she is being downright unreasonable..and saying no practice..
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Of course, the flipside of this whole thing is now I'm free to finally get that bendy step dancing girlfriend every fiddler should have.
By the way, there's been a bit of delay in the delivery of said bendy step dancing girlfriend. Does anyone have the address where I write to correct such issues? Thanks in advance.
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
The term "partner," to any progressive thinker, is offensive. "Partner" implies an imposed requirement of equal effort by both co-contractees in every aspect of home life.
On the other hand the term "wife" had to be expunged (in late 2003) because the word implied an unequal amount of effort would be expected of any unfortunate co-contractee designated as the "wife."
When referring to any adult with whom one shares emotions and a fabricated structure, please employ the aforementioned "co-contractee," or, if passion occurs, "comrade-darling." ("Comrade-darlin," only if he/she agrees to that sort of talk. In advance.)
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
"comrade-darling."
NEW Pure Drop® Ear Canal Oil, might I suggest that 'comrade-darling' implicitly breaches the boundary which separates the personal domestic and the public social domains.
If the essential enigmatic quality of private relations is to be secured within requisite sub-textual opacity, perhaps 'primary human referent' might be a preferable term ?
I suggest the benefits of this phrase in a revised nomenclature are clearly illustrated and abundantly justified, thus :
'Primary', synonymous with 'most important'.
'Human', as distinct from any dogs, cats, hamsters, guinea pigs, stick insects, partaking of the contractual domestic unit..
'Referent', being the individual to whom you refer when you can't find the car keys, or want permission to leave the premises for recreational pursuits.
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Wolfbird--
'Primary human referent' carries too much emotional wallop. Imagine a co-contractee has—with a variety of words, glances, and specially learned movements—brought the other co-contractee to a state of excitement that is of the potentially species-continuing sort.
The excited co-contractee (as opposed to the 'excitor' co-contractee), hearing the whispered words 'primary human referent,' may well generate a tremor powerful enough to correct the earth's slight wobble, thereby losing Albert Gore of Tennessee the dang medal.
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Dang, you're right, NEW Pure Drop® Ear Canal Oil !
I hadn't picked up on the subliminal stimulatory overtones when 'primary human referent' is crooned Eartha Kitt style. Nope. No good. Back to the drawing board and Roget's Thesaurus....sigh
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Shylock,
been there, and regret the wasted weekends spending "quality time" with my partner, lovely as she was, when i would rather have been playing, writing, or learning.
it depends on how important the music is to you.
its more important to me than a happy marriage.
if relationships stop me following this passion, they will soon take a back seat.
yes this means that i may end up lonely when old, so be it.
If had to sacrifice the pure joy i get from playing, in order to gain the security of a partnership, i would choose loneliness every time.
this has got nothing to do with music but...
i saw a chap being interviewed on tv recently.
his (adult) son raced motorcycles, and sadly was killed in the tt races.
the father was asked if he regretted the sons involvement in racing motorcycles, to which he replied.
"absolutley not. when he was racing, he was so focused and so very happy.
very few people ever find something in life that gives them such complete pleasure - i would never have taken that away from him".
thats a pretty big thing to say for someone who has lost his son.
but we're not talking about dangerous sports and death here, its just music!
if your partner sees the pleasure you get from your music and doesn't have the grace to encourage you, or worse, tries to thwart it, i suggest that you look elsewhere.
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
I vote you wait 'til you have kids, and somehow make sure their hardcore trad. fans, then you'll aways be in the majority when it comes to deciding whether to go to a session or go to the mall.
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Pope.... don't worry about being old and alone, you'll still have your music pals to play with who were also warned about being old and alone if they didn't give it up!
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
My wife hated trad...we went to a fleadh 4 yeas ago...she was online last year booking hotel for fleadh ceol 2008...bring her to a fleadh or festival and I bet you any money she will love it!!
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
But to get back to the original question.......Nope, she always liked the stuff, it was how we met, and when I started going out again regularly, post getting the sack, she tagged along, and is as bad as me at wanting new tunes and needing the buzz of a good session.
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
shylock
i find a mute is sometimes useful on fiddle...your ears get used to it....a clothespin will work fine or you can buy a fancy one. I have a fancy one but also use a clothes pin when it's not at hand.
other than that, choosing one's time is useful and often i'l go upstairs and play when she's down and doing her thing...tv watching or whatever. sometimes i'll play outside in the backyard if she's in the house, etc.. it all depends on "how senstive" she's feeling about ITM that week. some are better than others.
have you thought of sound proofing one room? there are lots of things to deaden sound so it won't carry. however, if you live in an appt you're basically f**d.
and yes, i put in roughly 1.5-2 hrs a day. maybe bit more on weekends.
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
SWFL.... i think that's part of the problem, if the partner, spouse, whatever, doesn't play or is not obsessed with the music, they can resent the connections you make with your music friends who do get it.... that high, that near telepathy that happens, that flow, that wavelength you meet the other players on.... they will never understand it, poor things, what a great joy it is. They see their partner high as a kite when the music is great, but usually don't get it at all, and it can upset them. For that reason, I think it's the greatest gift to introduce kids to music, have them play something, expose them to that special language that is wordless, but made up of endless combinations of sounds and notes.... at least they have the option to take or leave it later, or come back and revive it if they wish.
The music really adds a dimension to life that most non playing partners are not included in, though some love listening so much they do get it and can also thoroughly enjoy it, and enjoy hearing their partner play. I have known a few like that, you don't always have to play to get it, or feel it deep down.
And no you are never alone if you have friends to play with.
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
So right Iris, so right. Such a shame though, isn't it? Wouldn't someone normally be happy for the one they love to be so happy? Well, that's how it should be, I suppose, but apparently it just isn't that way often enough. The green eyed monster and all that.
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
SWFL.... one would think! What's really awful is they hook up knowing exactly how much the music means to the other, then when they got them, try to take it away or change them! Oh well! Humans!
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Well, it's more like the music gets in the way of my partner...
I was introduced to the music by my ex-wife (Zina), and I joke that I took it up as a defense mechanism. In reality, though, there were some highs and lows of having a partner who was also a player. She and I practice differently... Part of it is that (at least for a long time), we were really at different levels with the music. (That is still the case, although, we're now maybe in the same class, that we could practice together - we enjoy playing together enough....) But even with the partner that plays, we still had tension with regards to the music.
Life is different now. I have a girlfriend that doesn't *hate* the music, but it's not her thing. I have tried to involve her, but she feels like I take her to events, and then ignore her... (It doesn't help that said ex-wife lives with me at the moment, but we won't go there....)
The thing is, priorities matter. And right now, at least, she is a higher priority to me than the music. The music is maybe the most fulfilling thing I have ever done. But maybe a little balance is in order...
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Oh...poor Rev... sometimes some people are never happy, and they want you miserable too! It's a very interesting topic though, an affliction many of the ITM obsessed have. Honestly I hear it all the time, many variations on the same theme. My only advice, is do what you love, try to respect your partner too, keep it in balance as well as you can, but also recognize your need to play, as necessery as the air you breathe, and if someone doesn't understand that, maybe it's not meant to be. If you have kids and all, that of course complicates the issues even further, and they need to be considered first, since their chidlhood is precious, more than the music, I feel, and their young lives should be as stable and free of conflict as possible. But they do grow up.... and then you play your heart out!
Life without our music is not complete, period. Maybe that's a flaw in us, or we are like drug addicts, but mainly it should be a good thing. I know quite a few families where all play, and they are very together and happy and the music lifts them all up, and ties them together, so it is possible, very possible. Don't give up hope yet.... could the GF maybe enjoy a whistle or drum as a gift so she feels part of it all? the ex wife... well, that you will have to sort out yourself.
Sign me.... Lucy Van Pelt.... in my "Lucy Booth", as in Peanuts comics... "Psychiatric Advice 5 cents, The Dr. is in"
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Hey, who said anything about "involved"? I'm an older guy with kids, I got priorities, I'm a busy dude. I just need me a little bendy dancer who needs an older, sugar daddy fiddler, you know what I mean?
It's a symptom of modern life, I think. People are just selfish. My hobby (passion?) didn't and doesn't prevent me from being a wonderful father and good partner, but it made their mother so mad and jealous that she ran off with a Bubba.
Basically, this is just the adult story of the cheerleader leaving the captain of the chess team for the linebacker on the varsity squad.
Now, about those bendy dancers. I'm available for dinner and movies several nights a month...
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
My partner plays the flute, so no conflict there, apart from the perennial tuning question!
Regarding "bipolar is a terrible disease" - I wouldn't stigmatize it with the word "terrible". It just has it's ups and downs. That's all. Perhaps harder sometimes for the people caught in the crossfire.
Anyway, we generally practice separately - and together when we feel like it. You need both types of practice. In fact, it's harder perhaps when two people play in the house than just one. Both have to resist the temptation to join in - or not to resist that temptation as the case may be. Because one can never ask, it has to be the silent assent or dissent. Verbal communication is demeaning on that level.
That said, "practice": it's not practice - it's just playing.
Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Does your partner get in the way of your music?
My true love wants me out cycling or out visiting friends or some other stuff when I want to be practicing my fiddle. She wants to talk..I want to practice, whe wants to go out I want to practice....Reminds me of an old John Prine song Dear Abby..
Now she is starting to get up my nose, she doesn't like trad, and she doesn't like listening to it...How the hell can I get my 2 hours a day in?
Anyone else with problems from the other half?
# Posted on May 12th 2008 by Shylock
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
You poor soul.Leave her. That way you'll have all the space you need. Get your priorities right
# Posted on May 12th 2008 by jig
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Make an agreement with her. You will do *this* if she lets you do *that*. You might not be able to play for 2 hours a day, because it's always going to involve a compromise, but 1/2 hour to an hour is better than nothing!
My husband isn't a musician and doesn't understand my music, but he knows how important it is to me so he supports and encourages me. Likewise I'm not into skiing but I go with him anyway, because it's what he loves to do.
I'm careful to keep a balance in my life, and I don't get to play as much as I want to, or go to as many sessions or concerts as I want to, but I have a happy marriage and it's worth it.
It comes down to what's important to you - the relationship and the music - and you *can* have both. Don't sacrifice a relationship for the sake of your music. You could end up a brilliant but lonely old musician, and there are plenty of those around.
# Posted on May 12th 2008 by buttons 'n' whistles
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
I'd echo that you *can* have both - by simply accepting your needs and stating them. Having a musician partner helps, but not to the huge extent you might imagine. My wife is also a musician but that doesn't mean there aren't the normal domestic things to be done (washing up, cooking, gardening, etc, etc). We simply say when we need some time to work alone on something.
# Posted on May 12th 2008 by Mark Harmer
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Nope, been divorced four years. "Why don't you play more classical music?!?" then she goes and runs off with a country music-listening construction worker. Bi polar is a terrible illness. [shrug]
In all seriousness, by buddy who lives around the corner comes over to my house to play, banjo and whistle. His wife can't stand instrumental music, allegedly. [further shrugging] He has to practice when she leaves the house, or if he's running to the store or something, he'll stop by my house and play while he's out. Obviously he's a session fiend like I. She's cool with it. She understands he's got to play, and he understands she don't like it. So they compromise with each other.
# Posted on May 12th 2008 by SWFL Fiddler
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
'my' buddy not 'by' or 'bi' for that matter, before one of you wiseacres tries it. [wags finger]
# Posted on May 12th 2008 by SWFL Fiddler
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Dear Shylock,
Many readers send me letters with a similar complaint. Just remember--you are what you are, and you ain't what you aint.
Any long-term relationship see-saws over a never-resolving tension between living your own life (and your partner living his or hers) while also living the life of a connected couple. How to be "we" while still being "me." It never goes away, but the happiest couples (and individuals) find ways to do the dance so it work for both people.
Sometimes it is a compromise--giving up something for an overall arrangement you can live with. Sometimes it's more about timing--don't expect to leave for a week-long festival when she's planned to remodel the bathroom that week.
More often (at least in my 23 years with the same woman), it's about taking turns and *supporting the partner* in their own endeavors. It might seem counter-intuitive that learning to ride a horse and being my wife's stable boy would give me more time to play music, but that's how it works. She's happy in her passion, happy that I take interest and part in it, and in return she encourages me to get out to my weekly sessions or invite friends over to the house for tunes.
Not that life is always balanced and smooth and equitable. You have to keep after it, adjust to the motions of the waves and troughs and occasional blast of cross wind.
Then again, maybe your current partner really isn't the love of your life (nor you hers), and you'd be better off with someone who enjoys and supports your musical life.
Signed,
Miss Lonelyhearts
# Posted on May 12th 2008 by Will CPT
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Shylock, here's another approach. You started a previous thread with:
"I find my days are too short to get all the practice I need in....I start with intonation, and then I play scales....but then just when it's getting interesting I have to do something else and it's a day at most before i can get back to my practicing and playing...I need more time in my life."
So did you heed the advice people gave you there? Quit spending time on scales and intonation drills--play the *tunes* (you can pay attention to intonation and intervals while playing the tunes). Keep an instrument ready at hand for any spare time that pops up during your day.
P.S. What are your goals with this music? It you want to be good enough to contribute to most sessions, just play the tunes. If you spend most of your available time playing tunes, perhaps you'll be more satisfied at the end of a day (even if you did spend 4 hours shopping at the mall with your sweetie).
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by Will CPT
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
My wife is a musician/composer/arranger. I play guitar in her band. If I do what she wants the way she wants me to do it we live in total harmony. But, If I complain...
Actually, I'm very lucky to have married someone (second marriage, BTW) with a passion for and similar taste in music. We're into our 18th year together and we're practicing, rehearsing, gigging, and sessioning (at home) more than ever. In fact, she's always saying, "If push comes to shove in this crazy world we can always sell all our stuff and busk our way around the world...." And she's dead serious. Mind you, we're in our mid 50s!
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by gw
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
I'm currently single... but i do have housemates that like to interrupt practice at the most in-appropriate moments... even if i'm in my room... with the door shut.
Maybe i should practice naked?? that would stop them barging in!
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by davydd
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Wasn't there some sort of discussion about session points before. The idea being that you need to do non-musical things to earn the points and be careful not to let your account go into the red.
All relationships are about give and take. You need to let the other half do things on her own, you need to do things on your own (music obviously) and finally you need to do things together. Without the last one you will just grow apart over time and there won't be a relationship to destroy.
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by Donough
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Dump her now, or even better, start an affair with a trad musician and leave clues everywhere, then have a massive argument when she confronts you, and *then* dump her.
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by Dow
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Wait till you have kids, and they hate your music too ....
Only solution: hit the road!
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by Bren
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Another alternative that worked for an ex-colleague of mine....separate houses! They actually bought back to back properties with a connecting gate through the back fence. None of his stuff entered her house, and none of her stuff his house - and weeknights they slept in their own houses....and they visited each other on weekends! And they've been happily living that way for 26 years.
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by ShariFiddles
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Surely everyone needs a certain amount of time to pursue their own activities no matter what they are. After all, there are 24 hours in a day. Maybe it's just a matter of laying down some ground rules.
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by fabphil39
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
I hear that Jack Canny (RIP - brother of Paddy) had to quit playing
fiddle for 45 years or so after he married and emigrated here to
Oz. He started up again after his wife passed away - I guess
that's one way to resolve it ...
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by Hup
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
I'm now in my third marriage and it ain't going too well...I blame the whistle...
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by mehitabel23
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
I practice between 7 and 9 am on weekdays after my wife
goes off to work and before I head off myself. Sometimes
I play a bit at lunchtime if I need to get in earlier. On weekends -
while she is out in the garden or whatever.
It is no fun for anybody to hear me play 'Jenny's welcome to
charlie' or 'White swans at Coole' or [fill in the blank]
20 times in row
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by Hup
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
We practice together and sometimes play tunes as well
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by bazouki dave and the real tooty flutey
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
no.
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by dickens metrognome
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
- dear Shylock - I don't have a partner but I do have five cats one of whom does get in the way of my practicing - whenever I play reels she jumps on my lap and apparently tries to comfort me..(which makes playing a little difficult when you play a long instrument like the tenor recorder...and I didn't think I sounded that sad...), she doesnt seem to mind 3/4 however, I have to practice reels when she is otherwise occupied - like eating...
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by kath morgan
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
'Ti ddim yn chwarae'r fec**ng banjo 'na eto!---says the wife in Welsh--You're not playing that fec***g banjo again! At least it's nice to know that others go through the same problems, life's highs and lows. I'll have to persuade her to read this thread.She likes the music really , when it doesn't interfere with household chores.By the way , wasn't the interview with Martin Hayes on Clare Keville's programme the other night great , ----what it's really all about .
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by banjoian
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
I've got only two cats and they like to tear up my the inside
of my fiddle case while I'm not paying attention
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by Hup
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
My only cat has sworn that some day he will get into the fiddle case. It's his only aim in life (apart from sleeping). He is tired of sleeping on the bouzouki bag and would like a change.
But something he cannot stand is the whistle. Each time the cat spots the whistle in our hands he goes out to the garden with an angry look.
No problem with my wife, though... we enjoy playing together. I mean... well, you know what I mean.
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by Ramiro
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
My fiancee enables my music by playing it with me.
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by reenactor
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Sometimes it's even worse when both play and one gets asked for a gig where the other is not included, LOL! Always tricky no matter what. Some of the worst breakups or near breakups I have seen is when that happens too often. The other looks on it almost as infidelity, maybe even worse, since the music is often one of the most important things to them if not the most important, after kids. It makes the spouse who is not so crazy about the music and gripes a bit look tame by comparison.... so count your blessings if all else is good, and work out a bargain.... what is the most important thing to them.... do it, and if that isn't enough.... play anyway, in the basement, out of earshot, in moderation (though it's hard not to be obsessive about our music) and tune out the gripes. Some people are never happy. Usually it is those who have no passion for something of their own, they get jealous of what you have, your connection to other musicians etc., so you might try to interest him/her in something, a cooking class, a craft of sorts. I have taught many women very basic and simple jewelry making and paper crafts and they get obesessed, you might surprise a wife with a class for a gift, or a husband with something he'd enjoy to the point of obsession. If that doesn't work there is always good natured bribery!
Some people just don't want you to be happy though, and will try to poison what you love most, make you as miserable as they are. To me it would be like cutting off my air supply and wouldn't be very good at all. I'd die mentally and emotionally without it, or just be living a half life. Still, not recommending ruining a family over it, though it just does happen on its own at times due to the music.
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by irisnevins
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
I'm into Dow's idea of the dramatic break-up and then it gives all your session buddies something to talk about for a while.
And Donough- in Melbs we have 'Pike Tokens' which you earn by going to sessions and can cash in if ye ever need to pike!
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by sneetch
I have a garage at the back of my house with drum kits,guitars, and I can play there, Whistle, banjo, and have started the fiddle ( very basic tunes)
I am tolerated in the house, I practice late at night say, 11pm in the utility, say on the whistle..30 minutes is fine. I must say though.. I was unable to practice for two or three days...due to family engagements..and I was like an addict when I got back home..Which will I practice first? whistle,banjo or Fiddle ?
Is it all worth leaving your partner over ?? unless she is being downright unreasonable..and saying no practice..
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by premierview
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Of course, the flipside of this whole thing is now I'm free to finally get that bendy step dancing girlfriend every fiddler should have.
By the way, there's been a bit of delay in the delivery of said bendy step dancing girlfriend. Does anyone have the address where I write to correct such issues? Thanks in advance.
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by SWFL Fiddler
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
The term "partner," to any progressive thinker, is offensive. "Partner" implies an imposed requirement of equal effort by both co-contractees in every aspect of home life.
On the other hand the term "wife" had to be expunged (in late 2003) because the word implied an unequal amount of effort would be expected of any unfortunate co-contractee designated as the "wife."
When referring to any adult with whom one shares emotions and a fabricated structure, please employ the aforementioned "co-contractee," or, if passion occurs, "comrade-darling." ("Comrade-darlin," only if he/she agrees to that sort of talk. In advance.)
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by NEW Pure Drop® Ear Canal Oil
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
I think it's www.bendystepdancinggirlfriend.com
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by Mark Harmer
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
"comrade-darling."
NEW Pure Drop® Ear Canal Oil, might I suggest that 'comrade-darling' implicitly breaches the boundary which separates the personal domestic and the public social domains.
If the essential enigmatic quality of private relations is to be secured within requisite sub-textual opacity, perhaps 'primary human referent' might be a preferable term ?
I suggest the benefits of this phrase in a revised nomenclature are clearly illustrated and abundantly justified, thus :
'Primary', synonymous with 'most important'.
'Human', as distinct from any dogs, cats, hamsters, guinea pigs, stick insects, partaking of the contractual domestic unit..
'Referent', being the individual to whom you refer when you can't find the car keys, or want permission to leave the premises for recreational pursuits.
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by wolfbird
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
www.primaryhumanreferent.com is also apparently untaken!!
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by Mark Harmer
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Bag it quick, Mark ! Sheesh, we could make some money !
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by wolfbird
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Wolfbird--
'Primary human referent' carries too much emotional wallop. Imagine a co-contractee has—with a variety of words, glances, and specially learned movements—brought the other co-contractee to a state of excitement that is of the potentially species-continuing sort.
The excited co-contractee (as opposed to the 'excitor' co-contractee), hearing the whispered words 'primary human referent,' may well generate a tremor powerful enough to correct the earth's slight wobble, thereby losing Albert Gore of Tennessee the dang medal.
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by NEW Pure Drop® Ear Canal Oil
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Dang, you're right, NEW Pure Drop® Ear Canal Oil !
I hadn't picked up on the subliminal stimulatory overtones when 'primary human referent' is crooned Eartha Kitt style. Nope. No good. Back to the drawing board and Roget's Thesaurus....sigh
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by wolfbird
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Shylock,
been there, and regret the wasted weekends spending "quality time" with my partner, lovely as she was, when i would rather have been playing, writing, or learning.
it depends on how important the music is to you.
its more important to me than a happy marriage.
if relationships stop me following this passion, they will soon take a back seat.
yes this means that i may end up lonely when old, so be it.
If had to sacrifice the pure joy i get from playing, in order to gain the security of a partnership, i would choose loneliness every time.
this has got nothing to do with music but...
i saw a chap being interviewed on tv recently.
his (adult) son raced motorcycles, and sadly was killed in the tt races.
the father was asked if he regretted the sons involvement in racing motorcycles, to which he replied.
"absolutley not. when he was racing, he was so focused and so very happy.
very few people ever find something in life that gives them such complete pleasure - i would never have taken that away from him".
thats a pretty big thing to say for someone who has lost his son.
but we're not talking about dangerous sports and death here, its just music!
if your partner sees the pleasure you get from your music and doesn't have the grace to encourage you, or worse, tries to thwart it, i suggest that you look elsewhere.
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by Pope Beelzebub
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
I vote you wait 'til you have kids, and somehow make sure their hardcore trad. fans, then you'll aways be in the majority when it comes to deciding whether to go to a session or go to the mall.
# Posted on May 14th 2008 by dannym
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Pope.... don't worry about being old and alone, you'll still have your music pals to play with who were also warned about being old and alone if they didn't give it up!
# Posted on May 14th 2008 by irisnevins
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
My wife hated trad...we went to a fleadh 4 yeas ago...she was online last year booking hotel for fleadh ceol 2008...bring her to a fleadh or festival and I bet you any money she will love it!!
# Posted on May 14th 2008 by seanog75
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Good one Iris! Reminds me of "The Boys and Girls of County Clare":
"As long as you have the music, you'll always have friends."
# Posted on May 14th 2008 by SWFL Fiddler
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
But to get back to the original question.......Nope, she always liked the stuff, it was how we met, and when I started going out again regularly, post getting the sack, she tagged along, and is as bad as me at wanting new tunes and needing the buzz of a good session.
# Posted on May 14th 2008 by Guernsey Pete
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
shylock
i find a mute is sometimes useful on fiddle...your ears get used to it....a clothespin will work fine or you can buy a fancy one. I have a fancy one but also use a clothes pin when it's not at hand.
other than that, choosing one's time is useful and often i'l go upstairs and play when she's down and doing her thing...tv watching or whatever. sometimes i'll play outside in the backyard if she's in the house, etc.. it all depends on "how senstive" she's feeling about ITM that week. some are better than others.
have you thought of sound proofing one room? there are lots of things to deaden sound so it won't carry. however, if you live in an appt you're basically f**d.
and yes, i put in roughly 1.5-2 hrs a day. maybe bit more on weekends.
it's definitely a dance.
good luck.
# Posted on May 14th 2008 by mtodd
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
SWFL.... i think that's part of the problem, if the partner, spouse, whatever, doesn't play or is not obsessed with the music, they can resent the connections you make with your music friends who do get it.... that high, that near telepathy that happens, that flow, that wavelength you meet the other players on.... they will never understand it, poor things, what a great joy it is. They see their partner high as a kite when the music is great, but usually don't get it at all, and it can upset them. For that reason, I think it's the greatest gift to introduce kids to music, have them play something, expose them to that special language that is wordless, but made up of endless combinations of sounds and notes.... at least they have the option to take or leave it later, or come back and revive it if they wish.
The music really adds a dimension to life that most non playing partners are not included in, though some love listening so much they do get it and can also thoroughly enjoy it, and enjoy hearing their partner play. I have known a few like that, you don't always have to play to get it, or feel it deep down.
And no you are never alone if you have friends to play with.
# Posted on May 15th 2008 by irisnevins
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
So right Iris, so right. Such a shame though, isn't it? Wouldn't someone normally be happy for the one they love to be so happy? Well, that's how it should be, I suppose, but apparently it just isn't that way often enough. The green eyed monster and all that.
# Posted on May 15th 2008 by SWFL Fiddler
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
SWFL.... one would think! What's really awful is they hook up knowing exactly how much the music means to the other, then when they got them, try to take it away or change them! Oh well! Humans!
# Posted on May 16th 2008 by irisnevins
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Well, it's more like the music gets in the way of my partner...
I was introduced to the music by my ex-wife (Zina), and I joke that I took it up as a defense mechanism. In reality, though, there were some highs and lows of having a partner who was also a player. She and I practice differently... Part of it is that (at least for a long time), we were really at different levels with the music. (That is still the case, although, we're now maybe in the same class, that we could practice together - we enjoy playing together enough....) But even with the partner that plays, we still had tension with regards to the music.
Life is different now. I have a girlfriend that doesn't *hate* the music, but it's not her thing. I have tried to involve her, but she feels like I take her to events, and then ignore her... (It doesn't help that said ex-wife lives with me at the moment, but we won't go there....)
The thing is, priorities matter. And right now, at least, she is a higher priority to me than the music. The music is maybe the most fulfilling thing I have ever done. But maybe a little balance is in order...
# Posted on May 16th 2008 by Reverend
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Oh, and SWFL, being involved with the bendy step dancer ain't all it's cracked up to be (no offense, Zina)
# Posted on May 16th 2008 by Reverend
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Oh...poor Rev... sometimes some people are never happy, and they want you miserable too! It's a very interesting topic though, an affliction many of the ITM obsessed have. Honestly I hear it all the time, many variations on the same theme. My only advice, is do what you love, try to respect your partner too, keep it in balance as well as you can, but also recognize your need to play, as necessery as the air you breathe, and if someone doesn't understand that, maybe it's not meant to be. If you have kids and all, that of course complicates the issues even further, and they need to be considered first, since their chidlhood is precious, more than the music, I feel, and their young lives should be as stable and free of conflict as possible. But they do grow up.... and then you play your heart out!
Life without our music is not complete, period. Maybe that's a flaw in us, or we are like drug addicts, but mainly it should be a good thing. I know quite a few families where all play, and they are very together and happy and the music lifts them all up, and ties them together, so it is possible, very possible. Don't give up hope yet.... could the GF maybe enjoy a whistle or drum as a gift so she feels part of it all? the ex wife... well, that you will have to sort out yourself.
Sign me.... Lucy Van Pelt.... in my "Lucy Booth", as in Peanuts comics... "Psychiatric Advice 5 cents, The Dr. is in"
# Posted on May 16th 2008 by irisnevins
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
Hey, who said anything about "involved"? I'm an older guy with kids, I got priorities, I'm a busy dude. I just need me a little bendy dancer who needs an older, sugar daddy fiddler, you know what I mean?
It's a symptom of modern life, I think. People are just selfish. My hobby (passion?) didn't and doesn't prevent me from being a wonderful father and good partner, but it made their mother so mad and jealous that she ran off with a Bubba.
Basically, this is just the adult story of the cheerleader leaving the captain of the chess team for the linebacker on the varsity squad.
Now, about those bendy dancers. I'm available for dinner and movies several nights a month...
# Posted on May 16th 2008 by SWFL Fiddler
Re: Does your partner get in the way of your music?
My partner plays the flute, so no conflict there, apart from the perennial tuning question!
Regarding "bipolar is a terrible disease" - I wouldn't stigmatize it with the word "terrible". It just has it's ups and downs. That's all. Perhaps harder sometimes for the people caught in the crossfire.
Anyway, we generally practice separately - and together when we feel like it. You need both types of practice. In fact, it's harder perhaps when two people play in the house than just one. Both have to resist the temptation to join in - or not to resist that temptation as the case may be. Because one can never ask, it has to be the silent assent or dissent. Verbal communication is demeaning on that level.
That said, "practice": it's not practice - it's just playing.
# Posted on May 17th 2008 by mutatis mutandis