"To be sung to the tune of "The Stars And Stripes Forever"
Be kind to your webfooted friends
For a duck maybe somebody's mother
They may spend all night in a swamp
When the weather is cold and damp
You may think this song will be long
But it's not
mama bought a chicken but thought it was a duck
stuck on the table with both his legs sticking up
along comes sis, with a spoon and a glass
starts dishing out the gravy from his yas, yas, yas
Hey, that other discussion is where I introduced the word "kipple", and the whole discussion sidetracked into what you couldn't write due to the censorship programe.
Laugh? I nearly paid my income tax.....
Did you hear the joke about what happened to the duck who tried a certain powerfully hallucinogenic type of cocaine? The duck quacked up in mid-flight.
.......and another original. "A joker appears in court charged with stealing from the public toilets and was convicted of taking the p*ss" Good? naw, thought not.
To get back to the original remark, this reminds me of the A.L.Lloyd recipes for cooking cockatoo ( Wake up, you Aussies, should be about midday down there )
Ist recipe; Kill, pluck, and dress the bird. Place it in a pot, cover it with water, add an iron horseshoe, bring to the boil.
When the horseshoe is done, give the cockatoo another fifteen minutes.
2nd recipe; Prepare carcase as before. Place in oven with a housebrick. Cook till the brick is tender and ready to eat. Throw away the cockatoo.
Bob, Dave and Pete died and went to heaven. It was much as they imagined it except there were ducks - everywhere. They were warned that if they stepped on any of the ducks there would be serious consequences.
Sure enough, after about an hour, Bob stepped on a duck, and immediately some angels rushed in with a really, really ugly woman and chained her to Bob, telling him they'd have to spend eternity together.
Dave was a lot more careful after that, but inevitably, about a week in, he too stepped on one of the ducks, and again the angel appeared with yet another hideous woman and chained them together for all eternity.
Pete was very, very careful and after a month of avoiding the ducks, the angels flew in with the most gorgeous woman he'd ever seen, and chained her to him for all eternity. Pete was almost speechless with amazement. "Whatever did I do to deserve this?" he asked. The woman replied, "Well, I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck".
I was just looking through some old discussions and I came across the thread about the duck jokes.I can't resist posting this one
A woman goes to the vet with her pet duck.
The vet listens with his stethoscope and says
'Sorry madam,your duck is dead'
'I want another opinion'
The vet calls his Labrador dog
The dog sniffs at the duck,looks at the vet and shakes his head.
'He is dead madam'
'I want another opinion,just to be sure'
The vet calls his cat
The cat sniffs at the duck,looks at the vet and shakes his head
'Dead madam'
'Ok,how much do I owe you?'
'200 pounds'
'200 pounds just to tell me my duck is dead?'
'No madam,the 200 pounds is for the lab report and the cat scan'
Man staggers home from pub with a duck under his arm, He his met in the hallway by very irate wife. Man says "this is the pig I've been shagging" Wife says "that's not a pig, it's a duck" Man replies "I was talking to the duck"
Duck
Duck
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave and cook it till it's bill withers.
# Posted on May 10th 2008 by dafydd
Re: platyduck
yes - and so you should duck!
that joke was around long before you heard it on the 'news quiz'...
# Posted on May 10th 2008 by biggus dave
Re: Duck
Perhaps that joke doesn't get around much in Belgium
# Posted on May 11th 2008 by lazyhound
Re: Duck
They're still into Charlie Drake over there.
# Posted on May 11th 2008 by Key Maniac Lad
Re: Duck
"To be sung to the tune of "The Stars And Stripes Forever"
Be kind to your webfooted friends
For a duck maybe somebody's mother
They may spend all night in a swamp
When the weather is cold and damp
You may think this song will be long
But it's not
# Posted on May 11th 2008 by dafydd
Re: Duck
This thread is absolutely ducking ridiculous.
# Posted on May 11th 2008 by SWFL Fiddler
Re: Duck
mama bought a chicken but thought it was a duck
stuck on the table with both his legs sticking up
along comes sis, with a spoon and a glass
starts dishing out the gravy from his yas, yas, yas
# Posted on May 11th 2008 by Mad Baloney
Re: Duck
f#$k a duck !!
# Posted on May 11th 2008 by camwebby
Re: Duck
http://www.thesession.org/discussions/display/7811/comments#comment167911
# Posted on May 11th 2008 by EastPole
Re: Duck
Hey, that other discussion is where I introduced the word "kipple", and the whole discussion sidetracked into what you couldn't write due to the censorship programe.
Laugh? I nearly paid my income tax.....
# Posted on May 11th 2008 by Guernsey Pete
Re: Duck
Ach, it's just a wee bit of quack..........
# Posted on May 11th 2008 by Key Maniac Lad
Re: Duck
Gott in Himmel!
# Posted on May 11th 2008 by biggus dave
Re: Duck
Shop assistant: How would you like to pay for that lipstick?
Duck: Just put it on my bill.
# Posted on May 11th 2008 by Mark Harmer
Re: Duck
Daddy,there's a man at the door with a bill.
Don't be silly son,it must be a duck with a hat on.
# Posted on May 11th 2008 by dafydd
Re: Duck
Did you hear the joke about what happened to the duck who tried a certain powerfully hallucinogenic type of cocaine? The duck quacked up in mid-flight.
# Posted on May 11th 2008 by fauxcelt
Re: Duck
An oldie...
two ducks flying over Belfast and one says 'quack' and the others 'I'm going as quack as I can'...
contributions for new joke book gratefully accepted.
# Posted on May 11th 2008 by john knoss
Re: Duck
that should be,
and the other duck says 'I'm going as quack as I can'.
Doesn't make it any better though, oh well.
# Posted on May 11th 2008 by john knoss
Re: Duck
I made this one up last night, some people say it's funny!
"Did you hear about the man who shot his donkey?"
"He ended up with a big hole in his ass!"
# Posted on May 11th 2008 by strayaway
Re: Duck
.......and another original. "A joker appears in court charged with stealing from the public toilets and was convicted of taking the p*ss" Good? naw, thought not.
# Posted on May 11th 2008 by strayaway
Re: Duck
I thought the two ducks were riding a tandem down Lime Street in Liverpool.....well, that was how Jackie and Bridie told it anyway......
# Posted on May 12th 2008 by Guernsey Pete
Re: Duck
But if you put a policeman to bed, would you be laying down the Law ?
# Posted on May 12th 2008 by Guernsey Pete
Re: Duck
To get back to the original remark, this reminds me of the A.L.Lloyd recipes for cooking cockatoo ( Wake up, you Aussies, should be about midday down there )
Ist recipe; Kill, pluck, and dress the bird. Place it in a pot, cover it with water, add an iron horseshoe, bring to the boil.
When the horseshoe is done, give the cockatoo another fifteen minutes.
2nd recipe; Prepare carcase as before. Place in oven with a housebrick. Cook till the brick is tender and ready to eat. Throw away the cockatoo.
# Posted on May 12th 2008 by Guernsey Pete
Re: Duck
HI everyone, Greetings from down under. Just having a look for first time in ages...
Actually the recipe here in Tassie is for Native Hens, but you sure got all the cooking times right!
Brian x
# Posted on May 12th 2008 by briantheflute
Re: Duck
One I did hear was about the duck which went up to the barman and asked "Have you got any peanuts?"
"No!" said the barman.
Next night same duck, same barman...
"Got any peanuts?"
"No!"
Next night...
"Got any peanuts?"
"No! I've told you twice already!"
Next night...
"Got any peanuts?"
"NO!!! And if you ask me for peanuts one more time I'll nail your bill to the bar!"
"Got any nails?"
"No!"
"Got any peanuts?"
Brian x
# Posted on May 12th 2008 by briantheflute
Re: Duck
Bob, Dave and Pete died and went to heaven. It was much as they imagined it except there were ducks - everywhere. They were warned that if they stepped on any of the ducks there would be serious consequences.
Sure enough, after about an hour, Bob stepped on a duck, and immediately some angels rushed in with a really, really ugly woman and chained her to Bob, telling him they'd have to spend eternity together.
Dave was a lot more careful after that, but inevitably, about a week in, he too stepped on one of the ducks, and again the angel appeared with yet another hideous woman and chained them together for all eternity.
Pete was very, very careful and after a month of avoiding the ducks, the angels flew in with the most gorgeous woman he'd ever seen, and chained her to him for all eternity. Pete was almost speechless with amazement. "Whatever did I do to deserve this?" he asked. The woman replied, "Well, I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck".
# Posted on May 12th 2008 by Mark Harmer
Re: Duck
Where do ducks go to buy those lovely soft feathers?
Down Town.
# Posted on May 12th 2008 by Mark Harmer
Re: Duck
Tried this game?
http://answers.shopping.com/xPO-Software-Sitting-Ducks
# Posted on May 12th 2008 by Key Maniac Lad
Re: Duck
aren't you that Indian quack that's ducking mallard practice charges in Queensland?
# Posted on May 12th 2008 by Hup
Re: Duck
bit vague, that one mhuppert,canardly see the humour in it
# Posted on May 13th 2008 by mcknowall
Re: Duck
If I was a French duck, I would object to that canard.
# Posted on May 20th 2008 by fauxcelt
Duck #2
I was just looking through some old discussions and I came across the thread about the duck jokes.I can't resist posting this one
A woman goes to the vet with her pet duck.
The vet listens with his stethoscope and says
'Sorry madam,your duck is dead'
'I want another opinion'
The vet calls his Labrador dog
The dog sniffs at the duck,looks at the vet and shakes his head.
'He is dead madam'
'I want another opinion,just to be sure'
The vet calls his cat
The cat sniffs at the duck,looks at the vet and shakes his head
'Dead madam'
'Ok,how much do I owe you?'
'200 pounds'
'200 pounds just to tell me my duck is dead?'
'No madam,the 200 pounds is for the lab report and the cat scan'
# Posted on June 12th 2008 by dafydd
Re: Duck #2
What the duck does this have to do with folking trad?
# Posted on June 12th 2008 by Screetch
Re: Duck #2
There's a tune called 'The Duck'
# Posted on June 12th 2008 by dafydd
Re: Duck #2
Get ready to duck some flying vegetables.
# Posted on June 12th 2008 by Whiddler
Re: Duck #2
Oh, OK then dafydd. I have nothing against a nice duck, as long as I can bring my fiddle into it.
# Posted on June 12th 2008 by Screetch
Re: Duck #2
I thought the title ... Duck ... was just refering to a new discussion posted by Jig.
# Posted on June 12th 2008 by llig leahcim
Re: Duck #2
There is a lovely saying around these parts (N Yorkshire):
"There's a duck in't hedge"
Meaning: there is something amiss.
# Posted on June 12th 2008 by domnull
Re: Duck #2
'Nell Flaherty's Drake' might have something to say about that joke
# Posted on June 12th 2008 by Free Reed
Re: Duck #2
Man staggers home from pub with a duck under his arm, He his met in the hallway by very irate wife. Man says "this is the pig I've been shagging" Wife says "that's not a pig, it's a duck" Man replies "I was talking to the duck"
# Posted on June 12th 2008 by strayaway