When I met my first wife we were both in a Middle Eastern dance troupe. (I played zurna, mijwiz, nay, and various percussion instruments in a band called The Baghdad Bad Boys.) I also played piano in a Latin jazz band. She loved dancing to the Middle Eastern music and she loved the jazz.
Then I got interested in ITM – she hated it. But the music I play is for me and hopefully others will find it nice to listen to. I wasn’t playing it to entertain my wife necessarily. Unfortunately, regardless of whom I was playing it for or why -- she didn’t like it at all. Now she’s my ex-wife.
If your spouse can’t adjust to your heart’s pursuits it can spell trouble. This goes both ways. Hopefully your wife will adjust as well as you might adjust to some interest she might develop that you don't particularly care for.
I don't think it's so much the music my wife objects to- more how often (and how badly) I play it. However, two tips- keep the hard-core stuff (CD's of relentless, unaccompanied fiddle etc.) until she's out of the house, and mix it up a little- I have all my ITunes stuff on shuffle, so a bit of non-Irish stuff creeps in from time to time- it's worked so far...
How about playing her some waltzes. They would sound great on the flute. Very romantic. Josefin's, Inishere, Far Away, Ashoken Farewell are some of the nicest.
Well I don't know about "the wife" part. Very sexist .
I have lived in a couple of group houses, uni ressies, op's homes etc where playing the fiddle wasn't on if anyone else was at home.
One way around the issue, of course, could be to go "out" to play. Take the dog and/or the kids (and the wife too, if she wants to come for an outing), a bottle of water or something harder and some nibbles, and set up in a local park, or even under the shade of a pleasant tree, beside a river, anywhere that lifts the spirits and there is room for the family to move away to a distance. It's amazing who will drop by to talk to you, and if there are other people about they will enjoy listening to you from afar as well. The wife, the dog and the kids can then go off and do their own things while you are playing - pressure off all round.
I have, in the past, been known to play me heart out at a deserted bus interchange after the buses had stopped running. Lovely acoustics. In the ressies laundry! A garden shed! Along a dingo fence! At a footy oval! On the steps of a deserted school! In a soil erosion gully! At an Aboriginal sacred site (before I realised it was one, durgh!) You name it, I've played there. Just think how much the kids, dog, wife would enjoy the exploration. They'd get out and see the world too.
I've always played when I've been travelling in the car, caravan parks, motels, camp sites etc - my logic is that they only have to put up with me for one night before moving on. I'd have to be more considerate where I to stay.
Where there is a will, there's a way ... and I recon you can have both a wife and ITM if you handle it in the right way (but then again what would I know, hey?)
We cannot go around indulging other peoples little personal issues and quirks. Giving in to them will only encourage further demands and encroachments, and continue their pattern of disfunctional behaviour. People with issues need to be told to simply flat out deal with it, not have a nursemaid around wiping their whiney waterworks.
More importantly, we must focus on our PRIORITIES.
Are we expected to compromise the requirements of our hobby for the sake of petty trivialities like family, job, religious pursuits, community, etc. etc. "ad ennui", ad nauseum.? Not bloody likely, I think!!
Reels are one of the mainstays of ITM, and cannot be simply "brushed aside" when they need honing and polishing. "Some waltzes" indeed! Get her some earplugs and keep on with your practicing!
Remember, all: "Till death do you part" is one thing, but music is eternal.
There was a highland piper used to set up under a tree at our local park of a Sunday afternoon eons and half a world ago. We could hear him from two streets away, and we used to put on our coats take the dog and the stroller and go down to listen to him. It was lovely.
Rook, I hardly think that a little compromise is indulging peoples' "little personal issues and quirks."
Stephen, coming from a woman's point of view, perhaps your wife might appreciate some exposure to the "slow, pretty tunes." I know that before I started to appreciate ITM to the point of being involved and playing at weekly sessions, it was the slow beautiful tunes that pulled me in.
Perhaps some pieces like: Give Me Your Hand, Hector the Hero, Come With Me Over the Mountain, An Buachaill Caol Dubh, Captain Henry O'Kain, Port Na bPucai, Si Bheag Si Mhor etc.
(If you're a bodhran player, then I think you're bummin'....=) ) jk
And the conversationa can be very genteel indeed when one is holding a flamethrower.
(Pay me no mind, gentles, I am dealing with chanter issues this morning, and primal screaming beckons. Re. flexibility and rationality, DO play some airs for your love. I play her "How Could I Live At The Top Of A Mountain", rather appropriate for a piper I suspect.)
I'm lucky in that my wife likes ITM. She's got Solas and Danu CD's in her car at the moment in fact. She grew up listening to Planxty and Bothy Band etc.
On the other hand, I don't play at home very often when she's around.
She doesn't come to the sessions.
What drives her crazy are all the jazz CD's I play in my car! Though she tolerated Sidney Bechet yesterday- maybe she's coming around!
"Hector the Hero" composed by James Scott Skinner in 1903, in honor of one of Scotland's greatest military men, who came to a sad end amidst a sea of unsubstantiated rumors of immorality, a trumped-up scandal, and generally gross injustice.
(Heavens -- any worse and I would have thought it was an Irishman getting lynched.)
Yes, looked to be completely political - the trumped up charges etc - didn't it? I could feel the injustice of it just in reading it. What I found even more interesting is that there is supposed to be some contemporary letter which would show the whole truth of the matter. It was due to be published in 1903, following the expiry of the hundred years moratorium on documents of public sensitivity. And it continued to be withheld! Apparently on the grounds that its contents were STILL too sensitive to publish.
Stephen - you *think* so you don't *know*?
Have you actually asked her?
Its probably not so much a case of what you play but when and where you play it.
A big thanks to everyone for the advice. I've decided to quit playing so many reels and add Celine Dion melodies to my repertoire. They're not bad at four times the speed! Actually, six times is better for dancing. Anyway, there's no better craic than a smiling wife. Right?
My girl actually has favorite tunes, loves Denis Murphy and Caoimhin o'Raghallaigh, comes to concerts with me and occasionally...actually listens to me play.
Sadly I think I'm in agreement with Rook. Why the heck should we squelch who we are, the skills and talents and gifts and longings we have, for other people?
That said, you can practice in your car. I do that sometimes at lunch. Drive to a nice park and either find a picnic table or just sit in my car. It's not that my partner doesn't like ITM, because he does. I'm just suggesting that as an option because it's actually a pleasant thing to do.
Some of us think the world revolves around ITM.
Someone without this mindset may still
experience joy in the Irish musical tradition.
Most Irish players are keen on melody ~
it is, however, dance music.
Does your wife enjoy dancing.?
Introducing her to the dancing community is a great idea. I don't happen to agree with what Sbhikes wrote, "Why the heck should we squelch who we are, the skills and talents and gifts and longings we have, for other people?"
It reminds me of something Charlie Parker wrote to his young wife when he was 18 or 19. (They already had a baby boy.) "I think we should get a divorce. If I was free, I think I could become a great musician." Was it all worth it? Maybe? Maybe not? Anyone?
Maybe it's because the money for a new kitchen, hurricane repairs, kids' driving lessons, gym fees, garden makeover, holiday in Mustique and spaying the cats, went on a new box.
When I was courting my current wife we she was staying for a few days in my studio apt. and I practiced the concertina for 6 hours while she read a book. At the end of 6 hours she was still tapping her foot. I proposed marriage to her very soon after that.
Thanks for the picture of the mijwiz player, Phantom.
But somewhere in my mind, a Mijwiz is still a very long, narrow, light cart powered by a 1000cc motorcycle engine, used to get large numbers of family members through the rush-hour at speed in Damascus...
I'm a wife.
My husband began to learn to play banjo a coupla years ago.
All those tunes he was driving me nuts with I have learned by osmosis on concertina and these days we play together.
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Give your wife an instrument, and you'll be surprised at how many tunes she knows.
Oldstrings,
Don't get me started, or I'll bore the soxs off you lot with dusty reminiscences. There's a story or two belongs with each of them I ain't telling ... but, I have often wondered what anyone might have heard if they had put their ear to that dingo fence a couple of hundred miles or more west along the wire. Then again, why would anyone want to put their ear to it? It being stuck out in the middle of whoop whoop in the bush. So I guess I'll never know. At the time, all I was thinking was that it was better than getting bogged to the axle in bulldust looking for that perfect playing-under tree. (It had been pretty embarassing when the station owner had to come and extricate me car from that one. I still blush when I think of it.)
I think my wife hates ITM.
I think my wife hates ITM.
She is a great gal. I just wonder if the reels are driving her mad. Any advice?
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by stephenseifert
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
Try some hornpipes for a while; much less like a fire hose stream of notes.
Good luck,
Terry
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by twildman
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
When I met my first wife we were both in a Middle Eastern dance troupe. (I played zurna, mijwiz, nay, and various percussion instruments in a band called The Baghdad Bad Boys.) I also played piano in a Latin jazz band. She loved dancing to the Middle Eastern music and she loved the jazz.
Then I got interested in ITM – she hated it. But the music I play is for me and hopefully others will find it nice to listen to. I wasn’t playing it to entertain my wife necessarily. Unfortunately, regardless of whom I was playing it for or why -- she didn’t like it at all. Now she’s my ex-wife.
If your spouse can’t adjust to your heart’s pursuits it can spell trouble. This goes both ways. Hopefully your wife will adjust as well as you might adjust to some interest she might develop that you don't particularly care for.
Good luck.
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by Phantom Button
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
Spend some time with her ;)
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by Lint - upon - Tweed
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
If it's just reels you play....; try a polka, highland, slide, slip jig, march etc. etc.
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by Henk Bos
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
I don't think it's so much the music my wife objects to- more how often (and how badly) I play it. However, two tips- keep the hard-core stuff (CD's of relentless, unaccompanied fiddle etc.) until she's out of the house, and mix it up a little- I have all my ITunes stuff on shuffle, so a bit of non-Irish stuff creeps in from time to time- it's worked so far...
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by Here Lyeth
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
How about playing her some waltzes. They would sound great on the flute. Very romantic. Josefin's, Inishere, Far Away, Ashoken Farewell are some of the nicest.
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by grumblingoldwoman
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
Well I don't know about "the wife" part. Very sexist
.
I have lived in a couple of group houses, uni ressies, op's homes etc where playing the fiddle wasn't on if anyone else was at home.
One way around the issue, of course, could be to go "out" to play. Take the dog and/or the kids (and the wife too, if she wants to come for an outing), a bottle of water or something harder and some nibbles, and set up in a local park, or even under the shade of a pleasant tree, beside a river, anywhere that lifts the spirits and there is room for the family to move away to a distance. It's amazing who will drop by to talk to you, and if there are other people about they will enjoy listening to you from afar as well. The wife, the dog and the kids can then go off and do their own things while you are playing - pressure off all round.
I have, in the past, been known to play me heart out at a deserted bus interchange after the buses had stopped running. Lovely acoustics. In the ressies laundry! A garden shed! Along a dingo fence! At a footy oval! On the steps of a deserted school! In a soil erosion gully! At an Aboriginal sacred site (before I realised it was one, durgh!) You name it, I've played there. Just think how much the kids, dog, wife would enjoy the exploration. They'd get out and see the world too.
I've always played when I've been travelling in the car, caravan parks, motels, camp sites etc - my logic is that they only have to put up with me for one night before moving on. I'd have to be more considerate where I to stay.
Where there is a will, there's a way ... and I recon you can have both a wife and ITM if you handle it in the right way (but then again what would I know, hey?)
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by Clear Drops
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
1. Practise when she's out.
2. Suggest she joins a line-dancing class instead of coming to sessions with you!!
Keith
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by ocarolan
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
I heartily disagree with much of the above.
We cannot go around indulging other peoples little personal issues and quirks. Giving in to them will only encourage further demands and encroachments, and continue their pattern of disfunctional behaviour. People with issues need to be told to simply flat out deal with it, not have a nursemaid around wiping their whiney waterworks.
More importantly, we must focus on our PRIORITIES.
Are we expected to compromise the requirements of our hobby for the sake of petty trivialities like family, job, religious pursuits, community, etc. etc. "ad ennui", ad nauseum.? Not bloody likely, I think!!
Reels are one of the mainstays of ITM, and cannot be simply "brushed aside" when they need honing and polishing. "Some waltzes" indeed! Get her some earplugs and keep on with your practicing!
Remember, all: "Till death do you part" is one thing, but music is eternal.
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by Piece
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
There was a highland piper used to set up under a tree at our local park of a Sunday afternoon eons and half a world ago. We could hear him from two streets away, and we used to put on our coats take the dog and the stroller and go down to listen to him. It was lovely.
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by Clear Drops
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
Exactly my point. Good music is not for those unworthy or under-equipped to appreciate it.
Thank you.
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by Piece
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
Rook, really?
How's the wife?
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by reenactor
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
She finds me a bit eccentric at times, I know not why.
Maybe it's the uilleanns.
Maybe my alleged wit.
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by Piece
Why did she hate ITM?
Because she liked Country and Western, must surely be the case.
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by nicholas
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
She is Orkadian. and Isle of Skye Macleod.
Of couse she likes C&W.
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by Piece
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
Rook: *grins*
Nicholas: well, that is both kinds of music.
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by reenactor
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
Rook, I hardly think that a little compromise is indulging peoples' "little personal issues and quirks."
Stephen, coming from a woman's point of view, perhaps your wife might appreciate some exposure to the "slow, pretty tunes." I know that before I started to appreciate ITM to the point of being involved and playing at weekly sessions, it was the slow beautiful tunes that pulled me in.
Perhaps some pieces like: Give Me Your Hand, Hector the Hero, Come With Me Over the Mountain, An Buachaill Caol Dubh, Captain Henry O'Kain, Port Na bPucai, Si Bheag Si Mhor etc.
(If you're a bodhran player, then I think you're bummin'....=) ) jk
Good luck!!
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by acaretta
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
Compromise?
COMPROMISE?!?!?!?!
(Where's my flamethrower?)
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by Piece
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
Hey, your bio says you're into genteel conversation.
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by Clear Drops
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
Sorry, "gentlefolk of good humour"
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by Clear Drops
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
Yes.
And the conversationa can be very genteel indeed when one is holding a flamethrower.
(Pay me no mind, gentles, I am dealing with chanter issues this morning, and primal screaming beckons. Re. flexibility and rationality, DO play some airs for your love. I play her "How Could I Live At The Top Of A Mountain", rather appropriate for a piper I suspect.)
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by Piece
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
Surely not "Hector the Hero" as a starting point for ITM?
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by ethical blend
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
A fine tune, but: --- I thought "Hector" was a Scottish tune? I had better look that up.
I originally got it from the fiddler J. Cunningham.
My oops, most likely.
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by Piece
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
I'm lucky in that my wife likes ITM. She's got Solas and Danu CD's in her car at the moment in fact. She grew up listening to Planxty and Bothy Band etc.
On the other hand, I don't play at home very often when she's around.
She doesn't come to the sessions.
What drives her crazy are all the jazz CD's I play in my car! Though she tolerated Sidney Bechet yesterday- maybe she's coming around!
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by Richard D Cook
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
"Hector the Hero" - composed by Scott Skinner in honour of the British (Scottish) Major General Hector MacDonald
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by ethical blend
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
I looked "Hector" it up too. Quite a tale.
"Hector the Hero" composed by James Scott Skinner in 1903, in honor of one of Scotland's greatest military men, who came to a sad end amidst a sea of unsubstantiated rumors of immorality, a trumped-up scandal, and generally gross injustice.
(Heavens -- any worse and I would have thought it was an Irishman getting lynched.)
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by Piece
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
Yes, looked to be completely political - the trumped up charges etc - didn't it? I could feel the injustice of it just in reading it. What I found even more interesting is that there is supposed to be some contemporary letter which would show the whole truth of the matter. It was due to be published in 1903, following the expiry of the hundred years moratorium on documents of public sensitivity. And it continued to be withheld! Apparently on the grounds that its contents were STILL too sensitive to publish.
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by ethical blend
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
Stephen - you *think* so you don't *know*?
Have you actually asked her?
Its probably not so much a case of what you play but when and where you play it.
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by kuec
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
I believe there is a statue (monument) of (to) Hector in Dingwall.
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by minijackpot
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
A big thanks to everyone for the advice. I've decided to quit playing so many reels and add Celine Dion melodies to my repertoire. They're not bad at four times the speed! Actually, six times is better for dancing. Anyway, there's no better craic than a smiling wife. Right?
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by stephenseifert
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
My girl actually has favorite tunes, loves Denis Murphy and Caoimhin o'Raghallaigh, comes to concerts with me and occasionally...actually listens to me play.
...
Sorry, no sisters ; P
--DtM
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by Dan the Man
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
Sadly I think I'm in agreement with Rook. Why the heck should we squelch who we are, the skills and talents and gifts and longings we have, for other people?
That said, you can practice in your car. I do that sometimes at lunch. Drive to a nice park and either find a picnic table or just sit in my car. It's not that my partner doesn't like ITM, because he does. I'm just suggesting that as an option because it's actually a pleasant thing to do.
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by sbhikes
My wife hates ITM.
Some of us think the world revolves around ITM.
Someone without this mindset may still
experience joy in the Irish musical tradition.
Most Irish players are keen on melody ~
it is, however, dance music.
Does your wife enjoy dancing.?
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by Ben Steen
Reverse psychology
On the other hand you could start playing some esoteric jazz.
She will be begging you to go back to Irish.
;)
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by Ben Steen
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
Introducing her to the dancing community is a great idea. I don't happen to agree with what Sbhikes wrote, "Why the heck should we squelch who we are, the skills and talents and gifts and longings we have, for other people?"
It reminds me of something Charlie Parker wrote to his young wife when he was 18 or 19. (They already had a baby boy.) "I think we should get a divorce. If I was free, I think I could become a great musician." Was it all worth it? Maybe? Maybe not? Anyone?
# Posted on February 3rd 2008 by stephenseifert
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
How is the baby boy?
# Posted on February 4th 2008 by Ben Steen
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
Maybe it's because the money for a new kitchen, hurricane repairs, kids' driving lessons, gym fees, garden makeover, holiday in Mustique and spaying the cats, went on a new box.
# Posted on February 4th 2008 by nicholas
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
And Phantom Button, what, when it's at home, is a MIJWIZ?
# Posted on February 4th 2008 by nicholas
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
Mijwiz: http://www.cacac.org/mijwiz.jpg
# Posted on February 4th 2008 by Phantom Button
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
I wait until Herself leaves for work to play the hard core things. She loves O'Carolans and such. But reels seem to get to her too.
# Posted on February 4th 2008 by zippydw
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
Any spouse that doesn't support their spouse's interests isn't really doing their job as a partner.
I didn't say share, or like, just shut up and support your partner.
# Posted on February 4th 2008 by SWFL Fiddler
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
When I was courting my current wife we she was staying for a few days in my studio apt. and I practiced the concertina for 6 hours while she read a book. At the end of 6 hours she was still tapping her foot. I proposed marriage to her very soon after that.
# Posted on February 4th 2008 by Phantom Button
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
<p*ss-take ON>
1) Get her some ear plugs
2) Keep practicing until
# Posted on February 4th 2008 by Hanley
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
Sh1t. that didn't work.
what i meant was:
keep practicing until she doesn't NEED ear plugs!
< p*ss take OFF >
# Posted on February 4th 2008 by Hanley
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
Thanks for the picture of the mijwiz player, Phantom.
But somewhere in my mind, a Mijwiz is still a very long, narrow, light cart powered by a 1000cc motorcycle engine, used to get large numbers of family members through the rush-hour at speed in Damascus...
# Posted on February 4th 2008 by nicholas
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
My dear wife and I have always believed that the strongest part of any relationship is the sharing, and common interests that can intersect.
She pointed out that I play the pipes, and she has always been very fond of waterfowl.
I play fiddle, and she brought two cats into the relationship.
She is Orkadian, and I am Irish and forgiven.
Truly a treasure. Mmm.
# Posted on February 5th 2008 by Piece
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
It may be time to re-visit
http://www.thesession.org/discussions/display/15624/comments#comment323911
Clear Drops:
Where can I buy a dingo fence and a footy oval? They sound like great places to play.
# Posted on February 5th 2008 by oldstrings
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
I'm a wife.
My husband began to learn to play banjo a coupla years ago.
All those tunes he was driving me nuts with I have learned by osmosis on concertina and these days we play together.
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Give your wife an instrument, and you'll be surprised at how many tunes she knows.
# Posted on February 5th 2008 by bindicat
;)
I think you secretly loved Irish music from the beginning I mean, come on, he plays BANO. That goes way beyond any vows you swore.
# Posted on February 5th 2008 by Ben Steen
*
BANJO
# Posted on February 5th 2008 by Ben Steen
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
bindicat, you're a member of this website -- that disqualifies you to represent the "wife" in this discussion.
# Posted on February 5th 2008 by Phantom Button
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
Fair point PB.
# Posted on February 5th 2008 by bindicat
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
No offense of course... we all carry the same cross here.
# Posted on February 5th 2008 by Phantom Button
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
Oldstrings,
Don't get me started, or I'll bore the soxs off you lot with dusty reminiscences. There's a story or two belongs with each of them I ain't telling ... but, I have often wondered what anyone might have heard if they had put their ear to that dingo fence a couple of hundred miles or more west along the wire. Then again, why would anyone want to put their ear to it? It being stuck out in the middle of whoop whoop in the bush. So I guess I'll never know. At the time, all I was thinking was that it was better than getting bogged to the axle in bulldust looking for that perfect playing-under tree. (It had been pretty embarassing when the station owner had to come and extricate me car from that one. I still blush when I think of it.)
# Posted on February 5th 2008 by Clear Drops
Re: I think my wife hates ITM.
... and all to play the beautiful music. Sheeze. You lot with a session on every corner wouldn't have a clue.
# Posted on February 5th 2008 by Clear Drops