A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. "Many a night they stamp on the floor and make a huge racket almost until midnight."
When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, "Not really, I'm usually up practicing my (insert your instrument here) 'til about that time most every night anyway."
An old joke about the awful, middle of the road crooner Daniel O'Donnell, but fit your own pet hate into the formula.
The IRA captured Ian Paisley, Margaret Thatcher and Daniel O'Donnell, but they only had two bullets. So they shot Daniel O'Donnell twice just to make sure.
Whats the difference between -
A bodhran player and a Radox bath - one bucks up your feet
A viola player and a seamstress - one tucks up frills
A bodhran and an onion - you don't cry when you stick a knife in an onion
Some sessions have passengers - mine has hijackers
(This is not a joke - it's true)
Punter - Do you do requests?
Session man - Yes, what do you want?
Punter - Oh, anything will do
A man walks into a pub in Ireland, and asks if he can leave his rather bulky package there for a while. Naturally since no-one knows who this man is, they only reluctantly let him leave it in the bar on condition that he comes back within the hour, security being uppermost in people's minds nowadays.
Anyway, 6 hours pass and the staff and customers are getting mighty jumpy about the "package" he's left in the pub. They're on the point of picking up the package and chucking it out of the window when the man returns, apologizing profusely for having been away longer than expected.
Everyone vents their anger on this poor man, and the barman tells him in no uncertain terms to "Pick up your package and get the f*** out of here with it".
"Now don't be like that", says the man.
"Well, you had us all worried. What's in there, anyway?"
So the man says, "It's 6 pounds of Semtex, a timer and some detonators".
Suddenly the atmosphere gets a lot friendlier. "Thank god for that. Here, stay and have a drink".
The man is puzzled and asks why the change of heart? "Well, we were worried about that package. We thought it might have contained some sort of musical instrument."
5 minutes before the concert was supposed to start the violinist and the violist were yelling and screaming at each other. The conductor comes running up and asks what is going on and why they are fighting. The viola play says "I can't play. The violinist turned my pegs and I can't tell which one!"
My favourite "two irishmen in a pub joke" (not particularly musical, but maybe someone creative could adapt it for a band?) is:
Early one evening an Irishman walked into the bar and ordered a drink. Moments later a second man walked in, sat down and started making conversation.
They got on like a house on fire. The conversation went something like this:
"Beautiful city, Belfast"
"Ah sure, I was born here in Belfast"
"Is that a fact. So was I. Tis a great place is it not? Let's have another one to toast our dear Belfast"
...a while later...
"I grew up on Ormeau Avenue"
"That's amazing - so did I! Have another one on me"
...and so it went on, later still...
"Which house was it in Ormeau Avenue?"
"Number 63"
"That's amazing! That's where I was born too!!! Let's have a whiskey"
Just at that point the phone rang behind the bar. It was the manager of the pub down the road, who was asking about business: "How're things doing? It's pretty slow in here tonight, not many in"
"Same here", said our barman, "just the O'Reilly twins in again, getting drunk as usual"
you had better not bump into me,mr Mark Harmer, lest i embody your surname in your general direction.particularly.
do you think a smiley face should have followed that?
Katie,you can easily find musician jokes on the web,even proper viola jokes and not just the old rehahshed irish/polish/kerry jokes.
the way i heard the joke, the o'reilly twins were newfoundlanders from st johns, and they were drinking in a toronto bar. interesting how these things change as they move around ...
don't waste your sympathy on me,it's that poor mr Harmer 'll be wanting it!
and thanks for giving the proper version of that joke;trust a harpist to make a pigs ear of something that's really very simple.arf,arf
Katie: you are lost in the jungle and you meet:
1)a good viola player
2)a bad viola player
3)a pink elephant
now,which one do you ask for directions?
well, it's the bad viola player of course,as the other two are figments of the imagination.
what's a harpist's ideal weight?
- about six pounds,including the urn...
that last was a conductor joke really but i could n't be arsed to make up a harp one.
see what i mean?
i'll get nack to gnashing my teeth as soon as i've got my coat.....
(A variation on a joke in a recent thread).
This is a Zen bodhran joke.
A fiddle, whistle and banjo are dropped off a tower. Which hits the ground first?
Answer: Does it matter?
I first heard that one as an orchestral Zen viola joke, the 3 dropped instruments being a double bass, cello and bassoon.
If I can just expand on that last joke from K Leahy, the fuller version goes, the Irish invented whiskey, kilts and the bagpipes and sent them to Scotland, but the Scots didn't realise the last two were a joke.
"There are songs of lovely young women, which we call love songs. And then there are songs of strong drink, which we call love songs." – Andy M. Stewart
Musician jokes...know any goodies?
Musician jokes...know any goodies?
An old favorite of mine...cause it's so true.
A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. "Many a night they stamp on the floor and make a huge racket almost until midnight."
When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, "Not really, I'm usually up practicing my (insert your instrument here) 'til about that time most every night anyway."
# Posted on January 19th 2003 by katiebythegate
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
An old joke about the awful, middle of the road crooner Daniel O'Donnell, but fit your own pet hate into the formula.
The IRA captured Ian Paisley, Margaret Thatcher and Daniel O'Donnell, but they only had two bullets. So they shot Daniel O'Donnell twice just to make sure.
# Posted on January 19th 2003 by sergeant fox
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
Whats the difference between -
A bodhran player and a Radox bath - one bucks up your feet
A viola player and a seamstress - one tucks up frills
A bodhran and an onion - you don't cry when you stick a knife in an onion
Some sessions have passengers - mine has hijackers
(This is not a joke - it's true)
Punter - Do you do requests?
Session man - Yes, what do you want?
Punter - Oh, anything will do
# Posted on January 19th 2003 by geoffwright
Re: Best low whistle joke on different thread
This was on a nearby low whistle thread but made me laugh so is worth a repeat if you didn't see it.
According to Conal O'Grada, the low D whistle is best used for making whale noises and hanging curtains.
# Posted on January 19th 2003 by geoffwright
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
A man walks into a pub in Ireland, and asks if he can leave his rather bulky package there for a while. Naturally since no-one knows who this man is, they only reluctantly let him leave it in the bar on condition that he comes back within the hour, security being uppermost in people's minds nowadays.
Anyway, 6 hours pass and the staff and customers are getting mighty jumpy about the "package" he's left in the pub. They're on the point of picking up the package and chucking it out of the window when the man returns, apologizing profusely for having been away longer than expected.
Everyone vents their anger on this poor man, and the barman tells him in no uncertain terms to "Pick up your package and get the f*** out of here with it".
"Now don't be like that", says the man.
"Well, you had us all worried. What's in there, anyway?"
So the man says, "It's 6 pounds of Semtex, a timer and some detonators".
Suddenly the atmosphere gets a lot friendlier. "Thank god for that. Here, stay and have a drink".
The man is puzzled and asks why the change of heart? "Well, we were worried about that package. We thought it might have contained some sort of musical instrument."
# Posted on January 20th 2003 by Mark Harmer
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
Q: Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.
Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
A: By they're names...(used to be Irish fiddle tunes)
Q: What is the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?
A: You are supposed to take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline.
Q: How many bodhran players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They have a machine that does that now.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A: A bodhran player.
Q: How do you know if there is a bodhran player at your door?
A: The knocking always speeds up.
Q: Why do bodhran players always have trouble entering a room ?
A: They never know when to come in.
Q: What do fiddle players use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
# Posted on January 20th 2003 by Alf Tupper
Musician jokes that went afore...
http://www.thesession.org/discussions/display.php/868
# Posted on January 20th 2003 by Zina Lee
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
I needed a good laugh this mornin'...thanks all!
# Posted on January 20th 2003 by katiebythegate
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
5 minutes before the concert was supposed to start the violinist and the violist were yelling and screaming at each other. The conductor comes running up and asks what is going on and why they are fighting. The viola play says "I can't play. The violinist turned my pegs and I can't tell which one!"
# Posted on January 20th 2003 by KP
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
What did the blues singer have on his gravestone?
"Didn't wake up this morning"
# Posted on January 20th 2003 by Mark Harmer
Might as well lower the tone:
"Doctor, can I get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Certainly, madam, where do you think accordian players come from?"
# Posted on January 20th 2003 by Mark Harmer
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
Q: How can you tell if a violin player is playing out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.
Finally, one against harpists as I am one:
Q: How long does it take to tune a harp?
A: No one knows...
# Posted on January 20th 2003 by Mark Harmer
OK, OK:
Q: Is it true that violas are just like violins, only bigger?
A: No, it's an optical illusion caused by the Viola players' heads being smaller
# Posted on January 20th 2003 by Mark Harmer
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
Those last three kill me, Mark!
# Posted on January 20th 2003 by katiebythegate
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
Two Irishmen were seen coming out of a pub...it coulda happened!
# Posted on January 20th 2003 by welshdude
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
Q: Why are there eight strings on a mandolin?
A: To increase the odds that one is in tune.
# Posted on January 20th 2003 by mad dawg
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
Glad you liked them, Katiebythegate.
My favourite "two irishmen in a pub joke" (not particularly musical, but maybe someone creative could adapt it for a band?) is:
Early one evening an Irishman walked into the bar and ordered a drink. Moments later a second man walked in, sat down and started making conversation.
They got on like a house on fire. The conversation went something like this:
"Beautiful city, Belfast"
"Ah sure, I was born here in Belfast"
"Is that a fact. So was I. Tis a great place is it not? Let's have another one to toast our dear Belfast"
...a while later...
"I grew up on Ormeau Avenue"
"That's amazing - so did I! Have another one on me"
...and so it went on, later still...
"Which house was it in Ormeau Avenue?"
"Number 63"
"That's amazing! That's where I was born too!!! Let's have a whiskey"
Just at that point the phone rang behind the bar. It was the manager of the pub down the road, who was asking about business: "How're things doing? It's pretty slow in here tonight, not many in"
"Same here", said our barman, "just the O'Reilly twins in again, getting drunk as usual"
# Posted on January 20th 2003 by Mark Harmer
Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a viola player?
A: One's a bottom-crawling scum-sucker, the other's a fish.
# Posted on January 20th 2003 by Mark Harmer
Q: What's the similarity between a viola solo and a bomb?
A: By the time you hear either of them, it's too late to do anything about it
# Posted on January 20th 2003 by Mark Harmer
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
you had better not bump into me,mr Mark Harmer, lest i embody your surname in your general direction.particularly.
do you think a smiley face should have followed that?
Katie,you can easily find musician jokes on the web,even proper viola jokes and not just the old rehahshed irish/polish/kerry jokes.
# Posted on January 20th 2003 by biggus dave
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
the way i heard the joke, the o'reilly twins were newfoundlanders from st johns, and they were drinking in a toronto bar. interesting how these things change as they move around ...
sarah
# Posted on January 20th 2003 by eleyne
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, bigdave, but then I wouldn't get to share a laugh with the members here.
# Posted on January 20th 2003 by katiebythegate
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
Oh? D'you see Classical (viola) Boy laughing over there at all those viola jokes? *grin* Poor Dave. hehe.
zls
# Posted on January 20th 2003 by Zina Lee
By the way, y'know, it's not that viola players' heads are smaller. It's that the violin players' heads are *bigger.*
# Posted on January 20th 2003 by Zina Lee
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
don't waste your sympathy on me,it's that poor mr Harmer 'll be wanting it!
and thanks for giving the proper version of that joke;trust a harpist to make a pigs ear of something that's really very simple.arf,arf
Katie: you are lost in the jungle and you meet:
1)a good viola player
2)a bad viola player
3)a pink elephant
now,which one do you ask for directions?
well, it's the bad viola player of course,as the other two are figments of the imagination.
what's a harpist's ideal weight?
- about six pounds,including the urn...
that last was a conductor joke really but i could n't be arsed to make up a harp one.
see what i mean?
i'll get nack to gnashing my teeth as soon as i've got my coat.....
# Posted on January 20th 2003 by biggus dave
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
(A variation on a joke in a recent thread).
This is a Zen bodhran joke.
A fiddle, whistle and banjo are dropped off a tower. Which hits the ground first?
Answer: Does it matter?
I first heard that one as an orchestral Zen viola joke, the 3 dropped instruments being a double bass, cello and bassoon.
trevor
# Posted on January 20th 2003 by lazyhound
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
Q. What's the difference between a staunch traditionalist and a terrorist?
A. You can negotiate with the terrorist.
---Michael B.
# Posted on January 20th 2003 by MichaelBolton
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
good one micheal!
# Posted on January 20th 2003 by bb
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
Q: What's the difference between a viola* player and a coffin?
A: With a coffin, the corpse is on the outside
*substitute your own least loved instrument here
**I'm safe, the harp dosn't really have an inside!!
# Posted on January 20th 2003 by Mark Harmer
Sorry, that should have read:
A: With a coffin, the corpse is on the inside
# Posted on January 20th 2003 by Mark Harmer
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
a little more practice,Mark,don't you think?
exit,laughter... pursued by a bear
how do you get a viola player to play 32 demi-semiquavers evenly in one bar of 4/4?
write a semi-brieve and put 'solo' at the start.
get my drift??
# Posted on January 20th 2003 by biggus dave
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
Q: Why do pipers walk as they play
A: To get away from the noise!
# Posted on January 21st 2003 by Mark Harmer
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
From Dennis Doyle, harpist from California:
The Irish invented the bagpipes and gave them to the Scots... but the Scots never got the joke.
# Posted on January 22nd 2003 by K. Leahy
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
If I can just expand on that last joke from K Leahy, the fuller version goes, the Irish invented whiskey, kilts and the bagpipes and sent them to Scotland, but the Scots didn't realise the last two were a joke.
# Posted on January 22nd 2003 by sergeant fox
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 10. One to change the bulb and 9 to sing about how good the old one was.
# Posted on January 22nd 2003 by Mark Harmer
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
I heard that bagpipers walk when they play because it's harder to hit a moving target.
# Posted on January 27th 2003 by jrathbun
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
Q. How many bodhran players does it take to roof a house?
A. It depends on how thin you slice 'em.
# Posted on January 28th 2003 by katiebythegate
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
"There are songs of lovely young women, which we call love songs. And then there are songs of strong drink, which we call love songs." – Andy M. Stewart
# Posted on February 3rd 2003 by Zina Lee
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
Q: what do you do when a musician knocks on your front door?
A: pay him and take the pizza..
# Posted on August 3rd 2007 by Osher
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
Go here:
http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/
# Posted on June 2nd 2008 by Piping Crow
Re: Musician jokes...know any goodies?
Did you hear about the air that was played each time slower and slower until it finally came to a complete stop?
# Posted on November 7th 2008 by Leendah