...and goes up to the bartender and says "I can't find my dad. Have you seen him?"
And the bartender says "I don't know, what's he look like?"
********************************
The above is the only one I remember from a whole mess of "this guy goes into a bar" jokes Phil Cunningham told the last time he played here in NYC...
It came to mind as I've been reading through some of the threads here on this site---what a great website this is! I just had to tell y'all that. I've been listening to Irish/Scottish music for 20 years now, and I've done my share of hanging out at sessions/festivals/kitchens on both sides of the pond, and I recognize the humour and the musical knowledge here and it's really great stuff.
Also just started playing the fiddle two months ago. Waiting this long to start is a blessing and a curse---I know what the music *should* sound like, and it's going to be a long time before I can get it there---but then again, it's in my head and my soul so deeply I know it will come out once I finally learn how to play this exasperating instrument that I love so much...
Anyway, just wanted to introduce myself and say how much I'm enjoying the discussions here. Any more of those "guy walks into a bar" jokes will be appreciated ! (I only remembered the corniest one, of course...)
A white horse walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The barman says,
"We have a bottle of whisky here with the same name as you."
"Eric?", replies the horse.
An Irish guy came into my bar years ago and always ordered three shots of Jameson at a time. After a while I asked him why he ordered and drank in three's. "One's fer me", he said, "and the other two are for me brudders in Ireland". Right enough, until one sunday he came in to the bar and ordered only two whiskeys. Fearing the worst, I asked if everyone was ok at home. " Ah, they're fine, fine... it's just, I gave up drinkin' "...
Kennedy - Another penguin goes into a bar, and asks the bartender if he has any plums. The bartender, confused, tells the penguin that no, his bar doesn't serve plums. The penguin thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the penguin returns, and again repeats his request for plums. Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve plums, has never served plums, and, furthermore, will never serve plums. The penguin, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the penguin returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: "Listen, penguin! This is a bar! We do not serve plums! If you ever ask for plums again, I will nail your stupid penguin beak to the bar!" The penguin is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Do you have any nails?'' Confused, the bartenders says "No."
"Good!" says the penguin. "Then do you have any plums?"
OR ...........................................
A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender says, "we don't serve your kind." The rope goes outside, ties himself in a knot and frays one end of himself. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "Weren't you just in here?" The rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
............. Shhhhhhhh I hear footsteps .... quick, it's Jeremy, run for cover, ...............................................
I knew we wouldn't get away with this malarky for too long! After all, there are no Penguins in Ireland, let alone Irish Sessions!
I'm off now to see if there are any tune titles here which mention Penguins ...............................
I think Phil also told the one about the penguin and the plums!
I just love dumb jokes.
Haven't heard the new Phil & Aly cd, Ptarmigan, but they only do quality, so I'm sure I'd like it. Did you know there was supposed to have been one with Johnny? He and Phil had planned to tour together again. I think I'll go cry in my beer now, thinking about Johnny's fiddle, the one that inspired me to try it myself...
Irishman in a bog? - Pete
Irishman hanging from the ceiling - Sean DeLear
Irishman lying in front of the fire - Matt
Irish drinks thief - Nick McGuinness
Scotsman with shovel in head - Doug
Scotsman without shovel in head - Douglas
Two cheese sandwiches walk into a bar late one afternoon and ask for a couple of pints. The barman says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve sandwiches after two o'clock."
Two penguins are standing on an ice floe. One turns to the other and says, "You look like you are wearing a tuxedo." The second penguin replies, "What makes you think I'm not?"
An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night. The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell again right on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results.
Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
Mikk
An Irishman, Englishman and a Scotsman all go into a bar and order three pints of Guinness. Suddenly, three flies fly out of nowhere and one plunges into each pint.
Disgustedly, the Englishman pushes the pint back to the bartender. "Another, barkeep, if you'd be so kind," he says.
The Irishman rolls his eyes, picks the fly out, throws it over his shoulder and takes a long draught.
Taking no notice of the other two, the Scotsman picks the fly up by its wings, holds it over the beer, and shouts, "Spit it oot, ye bastard, spit it oot!"
Guy goes into a bar with an octopus in a bucket. He plonks the bucket on the bar, and proclaims, "For free beer, this octopus will play any instrument you give it!"
Skeptical, the bartender pulls a banjo from under the bar. The octopus takes it and plays it. Deeply impressed, the bartender draws them both a pint.
The octopus goes through several more instruments through the course of the evening. Finally, a Scotsman comes from the back and hands a set of bagpipes to the octopus. The octopus grapples with the pipes for a while, but doesn't play them.
"Hah!" says the Scot. "He can't play that instrument!"
The octopus shoots him a look. "Play it? Play it? I'm going to mate with it as soon as I can figure out how to get her pajamas off!"
Another one... this one is offensive but good, and also has a Scotsman in it...
A Scotsman goes into a bar, and orders a whiskey. After his third or fourth, he begins to get irate. Finally, he stands up and proclaims, "Ye see that fence oot there? I built it meself! Cut down the trees, sawed the boards, hammered in the nails! But do they call me MacGregor the Fence-Builder? No!"
He sits back down. Five minutes later, he's up again. "You see that pier oot on the loch? I built that, too! Swam oot onto the loch to lay the foundations, laid down every last board! But do they call me MacGregor the Pier-Builder? No!"
Polar bear walks into a bar and says, "Can I have........................................................................................................................................ a pint of Guinness, please?"
Picture the scene; an old western town, dusty, the odd bit of tumbleweed blows across the street, a buckboard rumbles past, ladies in big skirts, men in stetsons and wearing sixguns. We move into the saloon; honkytonk piano, long polished bar, painted ladies with feathers, dudes playing poker and drinking whisky. Suddenly a man bursts in through the swing doors and shouts, 'Everybody run! Big Jake's a-comin'!' Three seconds later, the place is deserted. The only person in the bar is one little guy who's a mite deaf and didn't hear the warning. A few minutes later the ground starts to shake, and a huge man comes in through the swing doors riding an enormous bull. He steps off the bull, grabs it by the scruff of the neck and throws it bodily out of the door. He strides up to the little guy at the bar and throws him over it, then growls, 'Git me a whisky!'
'Y-y-yessir' says the little guy, and reaches out a new bottle. The huge guy grabs it, bites the top off it, downs the contents in one go and proceeds to eat the bottle. The little guy is, by now, terrified, and says, 'C-c-can I git yer another sir?' And the big guy says 'No, I gotta go. Big Jake's a-comin'!'
I love that old joke but couldn't be bothered typing it in so I'm afraid must confess to a bit of the ol' cut'n'paste.
A pirate waddles into a bar with a ship's wheel between his legs and the bartender asks, "Did you know you have a steering wheel between your legs?" and the pirate answers, "Arrrrrr...yes... it's drivin me nuts."
I read somewhere that "penguin" is from Welsh, pen gwyn (white head?) and originally referred to the Great Auk, a large flightless seabird of the North Atlantic hunted to extinction by the mid 1800s. So, actually, there probably WERE penguins in Ireland until relatively recently.
Englishman walks into a doctors office with a frog sitting on his head. The nurse at the reception desk asks "how can we help you today"? The frog says you can get this Limey off my a**.
Kennedy, how'sabout: A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"
Or
Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"
Oh, & Barkeep, I'll have a glass of what fidkid's been a drinkin' ........
When I was in the Coast Guard, I was once in an Alaskan fisherman's bar (I think it was in Pelican, AK to be exact), and I sat down beside a guy with a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his eye.
After some conversation, I worked up the courage to ask him how he lost his leg. "Oh, I stood in the bight of a line, and when it went over the side, it tore my lower leg off."
In for a pinch, in for a pound, I decided. So I asked him about the hook. "Oh, I caught my hand in winch on a stormy night, and tore my hand right off."
Then, of course, I asked him about the eye. "Oh, one day a seagull crapped in my eye."
"Seagull crap couldn't put your eye out," I replied.
"Oh," he answered, "but it was the first day I had my new hook, you see......"
A penguin walks into a bar and sees two Englishman, three Scotsmen, three Irishmen, several generic men and women, two atoms, two cheese sandwiches, a giraffe, a baby seal, two polar bears, a horse, a dog, an octopus, a skeleton, Descartes and Shakespeare lined up waiting to order drinks. The penguin goes up to the bartender and asks, "Is that the punch line?"
"Yeah, answers the bartender."
"Thanks anyway", says the penguin, consumes the two cheese sandwiches, wipes his beak and continues, "I'm not too keen on punch, have you got a good stout on tap?"
Didn't we used to have a member of this board called Pingu? And I think he is still around under another name.
Perhaps he would like to join in on this conversation.
Oh Danny boy, the jokes, the jokes are flowin....
From thread to thread, around the yellow screen.
The moderator's gone, and all the folks are groanin'
Give us another, and we might all turn green.
But just one more, as long as it's a good one.
The kind that makes you laugh till beer comes out your nose.
And we will rest, and be content, though weary.
Oh, those jokes, those jokes, you know we love them so.......
Now now Ceolachan, before you get too excited, check out the latin names for penguins on this site, then you'll realise that the Great Auk [Pinguinus impennis ] aint no Penguin at all! Sorry to burst your bubble man!
A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't pay for your sandwich." The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to "Panda" and reads: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Meanwhile, inside the bar, the penguin stands up and screams, “Shut the #%@& up, AlBrown, this here’s a tune-playin session an we’ll not have the odd song, especially one as odd as that!” The penguin settles back and launches into a frenzied Rakes of Mallow on his PA.
A ham sandwich walks into the bar and orders an ale. Tbe bartender says with a growl, "We don't serve food!"
A blind man walks into a bar, and takes his seeing-eye-dog by the leash and begins twirling him in circles over his head. The bartender says "What they h@#$ are you doing?". "Just looking the place over", the blind man replied.
A giraffe walks into a bar and announces "The highballs are on me!"
A gotta stop... I'm afraid I could keep going. They don't get better, you know...
Before he plays The Lark's March, Seamus Ennis tells this story: "There's a story about a competition between two pipes -- an Englishman's resident piper and an Irishman's resident piper....." I'm STILL waiting for the punchline on that one.
***
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "You have to leave. We only serve fun people here and you are obviously a mushroom."
The mushroom says, "Excuse me. I AM a fungi!"
***
A guy walks into a Belfast pub with a suspicious looking package. The bartender asks what it is.
"None of your business," says the fellow. "Just give me a pint."
"You have to tell me what that is," says the barkeep. "Otherwise I can't serve you and might have to call the police."
"Fine. It's a bunch of plastique and some detonaters."
The bartender sighs in re;ief. "Thank God. I was afraid it was a bodhran."
A penguin is driving across Nevada in the summer heat and smoke starts billowing from under his hood. Luckily, he's able to rattle into a small town in the otherwise desolate landscape. Just a wide spot in the road, really, a gas station on one side and a grocery mart on the other.
The penguin's car dies as it rolls up to the gas station. A mechanic comes out, waving a rag at all the smoke. "Pop the hood," he says. The penguin gets out and says, "Boy I'm glad I made it to your garage. I'm unaccustomed to this heat--a walk into town might've done me in." The mechanic eyes the little fellow and tells him, "This is gonna take me a while just to see what's wrong. Why don't you go across the street and stay cool in the air conditioned store. Come back in 20 minutes and I'll give you the diagnosis."
So the penguin wanders into the store, skims the magazines, waddles up and down the aisles looking for a snack. He glances at his watch and notices that the 20 minutes is almost up. Just then he notices the ice cream freezer and decides to buy a chocolate-covered vanilla ice cream bar. He unwraps the treat and has if half finished by the time he pays the clerk. He heads out the door and gobbles the remainder of the ice cream as it melts into a mess in the sudden heat.
As the penguin walks up to his car, the mechanic lifts his head out from under the hood. "Hey mac," the mechanic says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
"What?! No, no!" stutters the penguin, "It's just ice cream, honest!"
this is an actual irish joke, from ireland.
the pope, gerry adams and daniel o'donnell are walking down the shankill road in belfast. they walk past a wee UDA man who thinks all his christmases have come at once. he takes out his revolver, only to discover he has only two bullets. he doesn't know what to do, then thinks," i'll phone the commandant. he'll know what i should do. " he rings the commandant and says," i'm on the shankill road and the pope, gerry adams and daniel o'donnell have just walked past, but i've only two bullets. what do i do?"
the commandant immediately answers," shoot daniel o'donnell twice"
hope nobody is offended, but if you are, welcome to the irish sense of humour!
In that vein, however, I’ll tell y’all the joke I told Phil Cunningham, as told to me by my 96 year old grandmother:
A man is having a tryst with a married woman, at her townhouse off of Park Ave, NYC. Normally they would have gone to a hotel, but she convinced him to come home with her as her husband would be away for the weekend on business.
Well, it’s a rainy October night and they both repair to upstairs to the bedroom to get on with having their fun. They don’t get too far into things, however, when they hear noise down in the front hall, and the woman panics and tells the man he has to get out, NOW, because her husband has come home unexpectedly, he has to climb out the bedroom window. He protests, “but I don’t have any clothes on!” but she pushes him out anyway and locks the window behind him.
Well, he has nowhere to go but down the iron trellis work and down to the street, in the pouring rain. He makes his way down to Second Ave. where he encounters a group of runners who are running down the street, training for the New York marathon. He joins them. As he’s running along, one of the other runners catches up with him and looks him up and down, then asks, “do you always run with no clothes on?”, to which he replies “oh, definitely, it’s actually very good for the skin, it breathes better”. The runner looks doubtful. He looks at him again, and asks “but do you always wear a condom too?” and the man says “oh no, only when it rains”.
I couldn't possibly tell the 'Penguin' joke about the man in the brothel, so I'll just finish with this:
In the Falklands when the Brits were defending the islands, penguins used to watch the jets fly overhead. They would watch the jets from the horizon until they were overhead, and they would raise their heads higher and higher until they all fell on their backs. Ten thousand penguins on a beach would all fall on their backs at the same time.
The moral of the story is this: it doesn't matter how many people do a silly thing, it is still a silly thing.
So how many 'Penguins' posted silly jokes on this thread eh?
A Pinguinus impennis walks into a bar full of Aptenodyte, Pygoscelis, Spheniscus, Eudyptes, Megadyptes and Eudyptula. He spits out his chaw of tobacco and from a holster over his back removes an uzi and peppers the seen, feathers flying everywhere, and glass shattering. The uzi sputters to a halt and th last bottle of shattered whiskey hits the floor and the booze fountains up and blends with the red eveywhere.
A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey in tow. He orders a beer as his monkey pokes around, as monkeys do. The monkey climbs up onto the billiards table and picks up a cue ball. He examines the ball, and then swallows it whole.
"Jaysus," says the barman, "What's with that monkey, friend?"
"Whaa--?" says the man.
"Good lord man, he just picked up a cue ball and swallowed it whole!"
The man rolled his eyes and put his hand over his forehead. "Oh my," he says, "That crazy monkey eats everything in sight. I'm sorry. Please, here is money for my beer, a little more to pay for the cue ball, and a bit for yourself. In the name of sufferin' Christ, do forgive me. We'll be on our way now."
A few weeks later, the man and his monkey reappear at the same local. He once again orders a pint, and once again his pet monkey begins to poke around. Soon, the monkey has found the barman's tray of fruit garnishes. The monkey picks up a maraschino cherry and examines it closely. Abruptly, he shoves the cherry up his arse and pauses. Then, he removes the cherry, and pops it into his mouth, and swallows it whole.
"Good God!!" says the barman, thouroughly disgusted now.
"Wha' happened?" says the man.
"Yer pet monkey just took a cherry out of my fruit tray, shoved it into his arse, then removed it and swallowed it whole!!" cries the barman.
"Oh, Saints be praised," says the man, "But for the good grace of our Lord, do forgive us. This crazy monkey-- he still eats everything in sight, but now he measures it first."
Ptarmigan,the "pengiun" in the brothel is a visual joke,so it probably wouldn't go down (no pun intended) well in print.
Apologies in advance for the following joke.
A man finds a pengiun wander down the street.He takes it to a policeman and asks what he should do with it.The policeman advises him to take it to the zoo.A few days later the policeman sees the man walking down the street with the pengiun.He stops the man.
"I thought I told you to take that pengiun to the zoo"
"Yes I did,and today we're going to the cinema"
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and orders two pints. After ten pints, the giraffe collapses on the floor.
The barmen asks the man, "What's that lying there for?"
The man says, "it's not a lion . . . it's a giraffe."
A southerner wanders into a pub in rural Northumbria. A bunch of shepherds are sitting around playing dominos. He notices that one of their collies is also sat at the table and appears to be playing, too.
"I say, that must be an awfully smart dog to be playing dominos."
One of the shepherds looks up briefly and says "Eee, man, he's nothin' special. He's never won a game yet."
*****
It's the finals of the sheepdog trials somewhere near Wark. The leading contender is just herding the sheep into the trailer when a big silver flying saucer lands in the middle of the field and a bunch of penguins spill out and start gunning down innocent spectators with their ray guns. The dog takes his eyes off the sheep for a moment. The commentator says "Aye, his attention's wandered. This is costing him precious points."
Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."
This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him, and says to the (uncertain-looking) bartender "I'll have a Scotch and Soda." Then the crocodile says "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour." The (dumbfounded) bartender gasps "That's incredible; I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!" And the guy says "He can't; the chicken is a ventriloquist."
A man walks into his everyday bar with a box and orders a drink. The bartender sees that the man looks troubled, so he asks what's in the box. Instead of replying, the man takes out a small grand piano and a tiny stool, and on the stool is a miniature man about a foot tall who starts playing the miniature piano. The bartender asks, "Where did you get a thing like that?"
The man says, "I rubbed a lamp in the desert, and a genie popped out. The genie said he'd grant my heart's desire, but he was hard of hearing and thought I had asked him for a twelve-inch pianist."
A gorilla walks into a pub. The bartender asks him what he wants. "A pint of Guinness, please.'"
He then puts a 10 pound note bill on the bar. The bartender takes the money and goes to pour the Guiness. He thinks to himself, 'Hey, he's a gorilla, he doesn't know about the prices of drinks.' and takes 25 pence back. He puts the drink and the money on the bar.
When the gorilla has finished his drink, a second bartender goes up to him and says. 'You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here.' 'Well, at £9.75 a pint, I'm not surprised.'
Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness are visiting with Muammar Gaddaffi to get some materiel and Gaddaffi calls one of his soldiers over and says to Gerry and Martin. "My soldiers are the bravest in the world". Prove it says Gerry. So Gaddaffi tells the young soldier to throw humself off the cliff. With a shout of Allah O Akbar the boy leaps off the 1000 ft cliff to a gory death on the rocks below. Well, says Gaddaffi, what do ye think of that?
Hmm, says Gerry, watch this. He turns to Martin and says "throw yerself off the cliff". "F*** Off" says Martin do ye think I'm mad? And Gerry turns to Gaddaffi and says " Brave, or what??!!"
Then there's the true story of mate of Mine Peter McKee with his mate Mickey when they were about 17 and heading off to their very first Fleadh.
No tents, no sleeping bags, no change of clothes. Just the thumbs to hitch to Kerry and enough cash to drink the weekend.
The sit in to their first session and proceed to get absolutely sh1t faced. Around three in the morning it's time to bed down for the night so they head out the road to find a suitable barn or suchlike. After walking for a while Peter has had enough and decides to kip under a hedge. Mickey spies a house being built in a nearby field and says to Peter he's going to head over there. Peter can go no further and falls asleep under the hedge.
The following morning he wakes suffering from a beezer of a hangover and unsure where he is and remembers Mickey heading over to the house. He makes his way there and finds Mickey lying on the footpath up to the house. He kicks him to wake him - time for the pub he says. Mickey struggles but cant get up. The concrete path had been laid that day and he was cemented into it! Peter had to go borrow a pair of scissors to cut his hair and clothes to release him and they then headed off to the pub with torn trousers and bits of concrete stuck to his hair.
Just completed the 25 Levels with that infernal 'Spaced Penguin' with a score of 108,012 - I could probably have learned a new Polka in the time it took me
I was enjoying a pre-session drink in a pub in Clonakilty a couple of days ago, and there was a group of guys at a table nearby. One of their mobile phones rang and seconds later the other guys in the group collapsed in helpless laughter.
It was the ringtone, of course. A squeaky Irish voice said "I'm a leprechaun 8 inches tall and hairy and looking for a woman ..." Sadly, I didn't hear the rest because the owner of the mobile answered the call at the crucial moment.
After being away at sea for some time and presumed lost, an old sailor returned home. On the first night back, he walked into his old local with a red-haired, miniature man sitting on his shoulder. Stunned, the entire bar was instantly silenced.
"Frank!" the bartender cried.. "They wrote you off as a goner! Where've ya been... and who the hell's that on yer shoulder?"
"Long story," said Frank, "but a round for the house, on me! It's great to be back home!" So following the boisterous cheers of all present, the bartender set up the glasses and began pouring the first round, when the little man ran down the bar and kicked over the glasses, glass flying everywhere. Giggling hysterically, the mini-man then hopped back on Frank's shoulder. Totally shocked, near laughter himself and unsure of his response, the bartender uttered the first thing to come to his tongue: "Frank! You'll have pay for those!"
"No worry," said Frank, throwing money on the bar like confetti. "I've got plenty! So another round on me!" And once more after the bartender set up the glasses and poured the drinks, only to watch Frank's better half run down the bar and kick them over, cackling all the way and dancing a jig on top of their shattered remains. The bartender of course got angry, seeing twelve more of his good glasses kicked to the floor.
"Frank," he warned, shaking his finger and red with rage, "either get rid of that little red bastard or you'll have to leave my bar! I mean it! That's two dozen good glasses forgawdsake!" Throwing his money in the air again, Frank laughed, shook his head and agreed to leave the bar. But before getting out the door, an old friend stopped him and inquired as to the origin of his violently inconsiderate little friend.
"Aah," Frank said, "I was shipwrecked on this little island ya see, waaaay out there in the Indian Ocean now... and after some time, I chanced to encounter a *magical genie* who said he'd grant me three wishes.." The friend wrinkled up his nose and nodded his head slowly as Frank continued. "So I asked him for a million bucks! And sure, at first it was grand being rich. But with nowhere on the island to spend the money, I asked him for a ticket back here to New York, where I took the genie and laid up for some time thinking about my final wish...
His friend squinted his eyes, and with not just a little bit of suspicion asked, "Yeah, Frankie? So what was the final wish? What'd ya finally get???"
So, two whales, a male and a female, are swimming along in the ocean. They see a whaling ship sailing along and the male exclaims, "Oh, that's the ship that killed my father! We have to destroy it!"
His mate says, "And how do you propose to do that?"
He answers, "We'll dive under the ship and blow really hard through our blowholes and that will tear the ship apart.
The female thinks that's ridiculous.
"No, really," the male insists. "It will work!"
"Fine," she sighs.
And they dive under the ship and blow air through their blowholes and, lo and behold, the ship comes apart! All the sailors are floating about in the ocean, grasping onto wood and masts and whatever bits and pieces they can get a hold of.
The male whale says, "Well, this isn't cool. They're getting away. We have to eat them!"
The female replies, "Are you crazy? Their ship is destroyed and most will drown. And anyway, we eat krill. We have BALEEN!"
The male insists, "No no, we have to eat them."
The female answers, "Look pal. I agreed to the blow job, but I ain't swallowing no seamen."
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
A friend of mine across the road lost his arm in an industrial accident. Getting sick of the neighborhood kids always asking how he lost his arm and blowing them off, he finally hit on a solution. One day he gathered the neighborhood kids all together and told them they could only ask one question and they had to promise not to ask anymore about his arm. The obvious first question was: "Mr. Burk, how did you loose your arm" Mr. Burk again said he'd tell them but that was to be their last question. They agreed and before spinning on his heels and walking inside he said,
Two weasels are sitting at a bar. One starts to insult the other. He screams: “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens for what the other weasel will say. The first again yells: “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!” The other says: “Go home dad, you’re drunk"
Well...... Not a penguin but....
The landlord of a pub frequented by an extremely heavy drinker opened up one day, and in walked a pink elephant, a green rhinoceros, and several orange striped crocodiles.
"I'm sorry," said the publican, "I'm afraid he isn't in yet"
Or worse... ... ...
A man and a giraffe go into a bar and the man orders two pints - one for himself and one for the giraffe. They both drink up and the man orders two more, which they both drink. The man orders a third round and by now they are both rather worse for wear. After downing his third pint the man staggers off to the toilet and while he is there the giraffe collapses on the floor - drunk. The man comes out of the toilet and heads for the door to the pub. "Oy!" yells the landlord, "Are you goin' to leave that lyin' on the floor?" The man turns, focuses his eyes and slurrs, "Thash not a lion, thash a giraffe!"
<GROAN>
ps. I'm another who has been hiding out of sight - had to appear for this though!!!!
A penguin goes into a bar...
A penguin goes into a bar...
...and goes up to the bartender and says "I can't find my dad. Have you seen him?"
And the bartender says "I don't know, what's he look like?"
********************************
The above is the only one I remember from a whole mess of "this guy goes into a bar" jokes Phil Cunningham told the last time he played here in NYC...
It came to mind as I've been reading through some of the threads here on this site---what a great website this is! I just had to tell y'all that. I've been listening to Irish/Scottish music for 20 years now, and I've done my share of hanging out at sessions/festivals/kitchens on both sides of the pond, and I recognize the humour and the musical knowledge here and it's really great stuff.
Also just started playing the fiddle two months ago. Waiting this long to start is a blessing and a curse---I know what the music *should* sound like, and it's going to be a long time before I can get it there---but then again, it's in my head and my soul so deeply I know it will come out once I finally learn how to play this exasperating instrument that I love so much...
Anyway, just wanted to introduce myself and say how much I'm enjoying the discussions here. Any more of those "guy walks into a bar" jokes will be appreciated ! (I only remembered the corniest one, of course...)
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by kennedy
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
A white horse walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The barman says,
"We have a bottle of whisky here with the same name as you."
"Eric?", replies the horse.
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by dafydd
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Hello right back at you there Kennedy & just for you - "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by Ptarmigan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Or, if you don't like that one, how about this one - An amnesiac comes into a bar & asks, "Do I come here often?"
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by Ptarmigan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
An Irish guy came into my bar years ago and always ordered three shots of Jameson at a time. After a while I asked him why he ordered and drank in three's. "One's fer me", he said, "and the other two are for me brudders in Ireland". Right enough, until one sunday he came in to the bar and ordered only two whiskeys. Fearing the worst, I asked if everyone was ok at home. " Ah, they're fine, fine... it's just, I gave up drinkin' "...
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by Farr
Re: Another penguin goes into a bar...
Kennedy - Another penguin goes into a bar, and asks the bartender if he has any plums. The bartender, confused, tells the penguin that no, his bar doesn't serve plums. The penguin thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the penguin returns, and again repeats his request for plums. Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve plums, has never served plums, and, furthermore, will never serve plums. The penguin, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the penguin returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: "Listen, penguin! This is a bar! We do not serve plums! If you ever ask for plums again, I will nail your stupid penguin beak to the bar!" The penguin is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Do you have any nails?'' Confused, the bartenders says "No."
"Good!" says the penguin. "Then do you have any plums?"
OR ...........................................
A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender says, "we don't serve your kind." The rope goes outside, ties himself in a knot and frays one end of himself. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "Weren't you just in here?" The rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
............. Shhhhhhhh I hear footsteps .... quick, it's Jeremy, run for cover, ...............................................
I knew we wouldn't get away with this malarky for too long! After all, there are no Penguins in Ireland, let alone Irish Sessions!
I'm off now to see if there are any tune titles here which mention Penguins ...............................
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by Ptarmigan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Speaking of Phil Cunningham, Kennedy, did you know that he & Aly have just released a new CD - 'Roads Not Travelled' - their sixth as a duo?
http://www.thesession.org/recordings/display/2137/
P.S. There are no Penguin tunes here - surprised?
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by Ptarmigan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
I think Phil also told the one about the penguin and the plums!
I just love dumb jokes.
Haven't heard the new Phil & Aly cd, Ptarmigan, but they only do quality, so I'm sure I'd like it. Did you know there was supposed to have been one with Johnny? He and Phil had planned to tour together again. I think I'll go cry in my beer now, thinking about Johnny's fiddle, the one that inspired me to try it myself...
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by kennedy
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by GaryAMartin
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
And, standing by his car, discovers he has lost his keys.....
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by AlBrown
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Of course there is that Harmonium torture by the 'Penguin Cafe Orchestra' - but that's hardly ITM!
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by Ptarmigan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Al, perhaps that man's keys were actually “embedded in his leg”:
http://www.nbc10.com/news/3510542/detail.html
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by Ptarmigan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Al, of course he could always write a song about it:
http://accordionguy.blogware.com/_attachments/2187030/06%20What%20If%20That%20Guy%20From%20Smashing%20Pu.mp3
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by Ptarmigan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Two atoms are walking out of the bar. One atom starts patting its pockets.
“Oh dear, I have to go back. Seems I’ve lost one of my electrons”
His friend asks, “Are you sure?”
“Sure? I’m positive!”
(note: this slays at the Mensa meetings)
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by fidkid
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
What do you call an Irishman who bounces off walls?
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by breandan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Rick O'Shea boom boom :D
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by breandan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Irishman in a bog? - Pete
Irishman hanging from the ceiling - Sean DeLear
Irishman lying in front of the fire - Matt
Irish drinks thief - Nick McGuinness
Scotsman with shovel in head - Doug
Scotsman without shovel in head - Douglas
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by breandan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
A termite walks into a pub and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by browndog
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Whaddaya call an Irishman who sits on the front porch all day?
Paddy O'Furniture.
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by AlBrown
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
A horse walks into a bar. The barman asks, "Why the long face?"
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by sergeant fox
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Two cheese sandwiches walk into a bar late one afternoon and ask for a couple of pints. The barman says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve sandwiches after two o'clock."
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by sergeant fox
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman walk into a bar. The barman asks, "Is this some sort of feckin' joke?"
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by sergeant fox
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Two penguins are standing on an ice floe. One turns to the other and says, "You look like you are wearing a tuxedo." The second penguin replies, "What makes you think I'm not?"
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by AlBrown
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
"An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman walk into a bar."
You'd think after the Irishman did the other two would have been smart enough to avoid it!
Peace,
Ed
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by ejsant
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night. The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell again right on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results.
Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
Mikk
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by mikk
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Here's one for Fidkid: A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by Ptarmigan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
... & one for all the fellas: A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre". So the bartender gave her one!
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by Ptarmigan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
A young dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon, sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot ma paw."
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by Ptarmigan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Told by Roy Gullane, of The Tannahill Weavers:
What’s the Scottish cure for seasickness?
- Hold a tenner between your teeth
What’s the Irish cure for seasickness?
- Sit under a tree.
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by Bob himself
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
An Irishman, Englishman and a Scotsman all go into a bar and order three pints of Guinness. Suddenly, three flies fly out of nowhere and one plunges into each pint.
Disgustedly, the Englishman pushes the pint back to the bartender. "Another, barkeep, if you'd be so kind," he says.
The Irishman rolls his eyes, picks the fly out, throws it over his shoulder and takes a long draught.
Taking no notice of the other two, the Scotsman picks the fly up by its wings, holds it over the beer, and shouts, "Spit it oot, ye bastard, spit it oot!"
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by Zazzaliss
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Another Penguin one for you Kennedy - A Polar Bear, a Giraffe and a Penguin walk into a bar & the bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by Ptarmigan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Guy goes into a bar with an octopus in a bucket. He plonks the bucket on the bar, and proclaims, "For free beer, this octopus will play any instrument you give it!"
Skeptical, the bartender pulls a banjo from under the bar. The octopus takes it and plays it. Deeply impressed, the bartender draws them both a pint.
The octopus goes through several more instruments through the course of the evening. Finally, a Scotsman comes from the back and hands a set of bagpipes to the octopus. The octopus grapples with the pipes for a while, but doesn't play them.
"Hah!" says the Scot. "He can't play that instrument!"
The octopus shoots him a look. "Play it? Play it? I'm going to mate with it as soon as I can figure out how to get her pajamas off!"
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by Zazzaliss
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Another one... this one is offensive but good, and also has a Scotsman in it...
A Scotsman goes into a bar, and orders a whiskey. After his third or fourth, he begins to get irate. Finally, he stands up and proclaims, "Ye see that fence oot there? I built it meself! Cut down the trees, sawed the boards, hammered in the nails! But do they call me MacGregor the Fence-Builder? No!"
He sits back down. Five minutes later, he's up again. "You see that pier oot on the loch? I built that, too! Swam oot onto the loch to lay the foundations, laid down every last board! But do they call me MacGregor the Pier-Builder? No!"
"But you f*ck ONE sheep..."
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by Zazzaliss
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Here's one I got from Paul: A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by Ptarmigan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Two guys walk into a bar ... the third man ducks! (rimshot!)
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by KeepFiddlin'
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Polar bear walks into a bar and says, "Can I have........................................................................................................................................ a pint of Guinness, please?"
Barman says, "Why the big paws?"
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by Conán McDonnell
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Man walks into a bar with a country lane tucked under his arm.
"A pint of lager for me, and one for the road".
I'm here all week.
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by Conán McDonnell
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Picture the scene; an old western town, dusty, the odd bit of tumbleweed blows across the street, a buckboard rumbles past, ladies in big skirts, men in stetsons and wearing sixguns. We move into the saloon; honkytonk piano, long polished bar, painted ladies with feathers, dudes playing poker and drinking whisky. Suddenly a man bursts in through the swing doors and shouts, 'Everybody run! Big Jake's a-comin'!' Three seconds later, the place is deserted. The only person in the bar is one little guy who's a mite deaf and didn't hear the warning. A few minutes later the ground starts to shake, and a huge man comes in through the swing doors riding an enormous bull. He steps off the bull, grabs it by the scruff of the neck and throws it bodily out of the door. He strides up to the little guy at the bar and throws him over it, then growls, 'Git me a whisky!'
'Y-y-yessir' says the little guy, and reaches out a new bottle. The huge guy grabs it, bites the top off it, downs the contents in one go and proceeds to eat the bottle. The little guy is, by now, terrified, and says, 'C-c-can I git yer another sir?' And the big guy says 'No, I gotta go. Big Jake's a-comin'!'
I love that old joke but couldn't be bothered typing it in so I'm afraid must confess to a bit of the ol' cut'n'paste.
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by Conán McDonnell
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
“A Polar Bear, a Giraffe and a Penguin walk into a bar….”
Sounds like the Giraffe and Penguin weren’t paying much mind to the Scotsman and the Englishman we heard of earlier?
Peace,
Ed
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by ejsant
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Just for a change of pace, here is a musical one:
Why are banjoes like artillery shells?
Because by the time you hear them coming, its too late.
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by AlBrown
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
A pirate waddles into a bar with a ship's wheel between his legs and the bartender asks, "Did you know you have a steering wheel between your legs?" and the pirate answers, "Arrrrrr...yes... it's drivin me nuts."
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by Phantom Button
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
I read somewhere that "penguin" is from Welsh, pen gwyn (white head?) and originally referred to the Great Auk, a large flightless seabird of the North Atlantic hunted to extinction by the mid 1800s. So, actually, there probably WERE penguins in Ireland until relatively recently.
No joke!
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by fidkid
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Englishman walks into a doctors office with a frog sitting on his head. The nurse at the reception desk asks "how can we help you today"? The frog says you can get this Limey off my a**.
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by stevebenn
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Kennedy, how'sabout: A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"
Or
Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"
Oh, & Barkeep, I'll have a glass of what fidkid's been a drinkin' ........
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by Ptarmigan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Descarte walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Are you thirsty?"
Descarte replies "I don't think so...." and disappears!
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by AlBrown
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Hey fidkid, it looks like you might have been right after all:
http://www.cafepress.com/linuxjournal.16960809
& how else would we have got:
http://www.penguin.ie/
It must be true, Tiki says so:
http://tiki.oneworld.net/Ireland/ireland.html
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by Ptarmigan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
When I was in the Coast Guard, I was once in an Alaskan fisherman's bar (I think it was in Pelican, AK to be exact), and I sat down beside a guy with a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his eye.
After some conversation, I worked up the courage to ask him how he lost his leg. "Oh, I stood in the bight of a line, and when it went over the side, it tore my lower leg off."
In for a pinch, in for a pound, I decided. So I asked him about the hook. "Oh, I caught my hand in winch on a stormy night, and tore my hand right off."
Then, of course, I asked him about the eye. "Oh, one day a seagull crapped in my eye."
"Seagull crap couldn't put your eye out," I replied.
"Oh," he answered, "but it was the first day I had my new hook, you see......"
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by AlBrown
Re: A Pinguinus impennis goes into a bar...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Auk
http://www.nature.ca/NOTEBOOKS/ENGLISH/greatauk.htm
http://www.hoppa.demon.co.uk/
http://www.cdli.ca/CITE/great_auk.pdf
http://www.abdn.ac.uk/zoologymuseum/treasures/aukegg.php
http://museum.gov.ns.ca/mnh/nature/nsbirds/bns0198.htm
Hey a few pictures, after all, and even an egg, and it was consumed in the Canadian Maritmes too... Pengwyn and chips anyone?
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by ceolachan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
A penguin walks into a bar and sees two Englishman, three Scotsmen, three Irishmen, several generic men and women, two atoms, two cheese sandwiches, a giraffe, a baby seal, two polar bears, a horse, a dog, an octopus, a skeleton, Descartes and Shakespeare lined up waiting to order drinks. The penguin goes up to the bartender and asks, "Is that the punch line?"
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by GaryAMartin
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Damn! I forgot the amnesiac (and vice versa).
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by GaryAMartin
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
"Yeah, answers the bartender."
"Thanks anyway", says the penguin, consumes the two cheese sandwiches, wipes his beak and continues, "I'm not too keen on punch, have you got a good stout on tap?"
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by ceolachan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Didn't we used to have a member of this board called Pingu? And I think he is still around under another name.
Perhaps he would like to join in on this conversation.
Oh Danny boy, the jokes, the jokes are flowin....
From thread to thread, around the yellow screen.
The moderator's gone, and all the folks are groanin'
Give us another, and we might all turn green.
But just one more, as long as it's a good one.
The kind that makes you laugh till beer comes out your nose.
And we will rest, and be content, though weary.
Oh, those jokes, those jokes, you know we love them so.......
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by AlBrown
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Now now Ceolachan, before you get too excited, check out the latin names for penguins on this site, then you'll realise that the Great Auk [Pinguinus impennis ] aint no Penguin at all! Sorry to burst your bubble man!
http://www.eliasdesigns.com/penguins/general.htm
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by Ptarmigan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer ....................... and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by Ptarmigan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't pay for your sandwich." The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to "Panda" and reads: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by MC2
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
A man walks into a bar. Ouch! It was an iron bar!
[Tommy Cooper, RIP]
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by greenman
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Meanwhile, inside the bar, the penguin stands up and screams, “Shut the #%@& up, AlBrown, this here’s a tune-playin session an we’ll not have the odd song, especially one as odd as that!” The penguin settles back and launches into a frenzied Rakes of Mallow on his PA.
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by fidkid
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
A ham sandwich walks into the bar and orders an ale. Tbe bartender says with a growl, "We don't serve food!"
A blind man walks into a bar, and takes his seeing-eye-dog by the leash and begins twirling him in circles over his head. The bartender says "What they h@#$ are you doing?". "Just looking the place over", the blind man replied.
A giraffe walks into a bar and announces "The highballs are on me!"
A gotta stop... I'm afraid I could keep going. They don't get better, you know...
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by nofrets
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Before he plays The Lark's March, Seamus Ennis tells this story: "There's a story about a competition between two pipes -- an Englishman's resident piper and an Irishman's resident piper....." I'm STILL waiting for the punchline on that one.
***
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "You have to leave. We only serve fun people here and you are obviously a mushroom."
The mushroom says, "Excuse me. I AM a fungi!"
***
A guy walks into a Belfast pub with a suspicious looking package. The bartender asks what it is.
"None of your business," says the fellow. "Just give me a pint."
"You have to tell me what that is," says the barkeep. "Otherwise I can't serve you and might have to call the police."
"Fine. It's a bunch of plastique and some detonaters."
The bartender sighs in re;ief. "Thank God. I was afraid it was a bodhran."
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by TheSilverSpear
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
A penguin is driving across Nevada in the summer heat and smoke starts billowing from under his hood. Luckily, he's able to rattle into a small town in the otherwise desolate landscape. Just a wide spot in the road, really, a gas station on one side and a grocery mart on the other.
The penguin's car dies as it rolls up to the gas station. A mechanic comes out, waving a rag at all the smoke. "Pop the hood," he says. The penguin gets out and says, "Boy I'm glad I made it to your garage. I'm unaccustomed to this heat--a walk into town might've done me in." The mechanic eyes the little fellow and tells him, "This is gonna take me a while just to see what's wrong. Why don't you go across the street and stay cool in the air conditioned store. Come back in 20 minutes and I'll give you the diagnosis."
So the penguin wanders into the store, skims the magazines, waddles up and down the aisles looking for a snack. He glances at his watch and notices that the 20 minutes is almost up. Just then he notices the ice cream freezer and decides to buy a chocolate-covered vanilla ice cream bar. He unwraps the treat and has if half finished by the time he pays the clerk. He heads out the door and gobbles the remainder of the ice cream as it melts into a mess in the sudden heat.
As the penguin walks up to his car, the mechanic lifts his head out from under the hood. "Hey mac," the mechanic says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
"What?! No, no!" stutters the penguin, "It's just ice cream, honest!"
# Posted on August 8th 2006 by Will CPT
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
this is an actual irish joke, from ireland.
the pope, gerry adams and daniel o'donnell are walking down the shankill road in belfast. they walk past a wee UDA man who thinks all his christmases have come at once. he takes out his revolver, only to discover he has only two bullets. he doesn't know what to do, then thinks," i'll phone the commandant. he'll know what i should do. " he rings the commandant and says," i'm on the shankill road and the pope, gerry adams and daniel o'donnell have just walked past, but i've only two bullets. what do i do?"
the commandant immediately answers," shoot daniel o'donnell twice"
hope nobody is offended, but if you are, welcome to the irish sense of humour!
# Posted on August 9th 2006 by sechan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Are Irish jokes from Ireland?
# Posted on August 9th 2006 by Phantom Button
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
That last penguin joke is awful!
In that vein, however, I’ll tell y’all the joke I told Phil Cunningham, as told to me by my 96 year old grandmother:
A man is having a tryst with a married woman, at her townhouse off of Park Ave, NYC. Normally they would have gone to a hotel, but she convinced him to come home with her as her husband would be away for the weekend on business.
Well, it’s a rainy October night and they both repair to upstairs to the bedroom to get on with having their fun. They don’t get too far into things, however, when they hear noise down in the front hall, and the woman panics and tells the man he has to get out, NOW, because her husband has come home unexpectedly, he has to climb out the bedroom window. He protests, “but I don’t have any clothes on!” but she pushes him out anyway and locks the window behind him.
Well, he has nowhere to go but down the iron trellis work and down to the street, in the pouring rain. He makes his way down to Second Ave. where he encounters a group of runners who are running down the street, training for the New York marathon. He joins them. As he’s running along, one of the other runners catches up with him and looks him up and down, then asks, “do you always run with no clothes on?”, to which he replies “oh, definitely, it’s actually very good for the skin, it breathes better”. The runner looks doubtful. He looks at him again, and asks “but do you always wear a condom too?” and the man says “oh no, only when it rains”.
# Posted on August 9th 2006 by kennedy
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
I couldn't possibly tell the 'Penguin' joke about the man in the brothel, so I'll just finish with this:
In the Falklands when the Brits were defending the islands, penguins used to watch the jets fly overhead. They would watch the jets from the horizon until they were overhead, and they would raise their heads higher and higher until they all fell on their backs. Ten thousand penguins on a beach would all fall on their backs at the same time.
The moral of the story is this: it doesn't matter how many people do a silly thing, it is still a silly thing.
So how many 'Penguins' posted silly jokes on this thread eh?
# Posted on August 9th 2006 by Ptarmigan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
A Pinguinus impennis walks into a bar full of Aptenodyte, Pygoscelis, Spheniscus, Eudyptes, Megadyptes and Eudyptula. He spits out his chaw of tobacco and from a holster over his back removes an uzi and peppers the seen, feathers flying everywhere, and glass shattering. The uzi sputters to a halt and th last bottle of shattered whiskey hits the floor and the booze fountains up and blends with the red eveywhere.
"Fek'n imposters!"
# Posted on August 9th 2006 by ceolachan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey in tow. He orders a beer as his monkey pokes around, as monkeys do. The monkey climbs up onto the billiards table and picks up a cue ball. He examines the ball, and then swallows it whole.
"Jaysus," says the barman, "What's with that monkey, friend?"
"Whaa--?" says the man.
"Good lord man, he just picked up a cue ball and swallowed it whole!"
The man rolled his eyes and put his hand over his forehead. "Oh my," he says, "That crazy monkey eats everything in sight. I'm sorry. Please, here is money for my beer, a little more to pay for the cue ball, and a bit for yourself. In the name of sufferin' Christ, do forgive me. We'll be on our way now."
A few weeks later, the man and his monkey reappear at the same local. He once again orders a pint, and once again his pet monkey begins to poke around. Soon, the monkey has found the barman's tray of fruit garnishes. The monkey picks up a maraschino cherry and examines it closely. Abruptly, he shoves the cherry up his arse and pauses. Then, he removes the cherry, and pops it into his mouth, and swallows it whole.
"Good God!!" says the barman, thouroughly disgusted now.
"Wha' happened?" says the man.
"Yer pet monkey just took a cherry out of my fruit tray, shoved it into his arse, then removed it and swallowed it whole!!" cries the barman.
"Oh, Saints be praised," says the man, "But for the good grace of our Lord, do forgive us. This crazy monkey-- he still eats everything in sight, but now he measures it first."
DK
# Posted on August 9th 2006 by darinkelly
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Darinkelly, that literally made Diet Pepsi come out of my nose.
# Posted on August 9th 2006 by Zazzaliss
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Glad to help, Zazza.
# Posted on August 9th 2006 by darinkelly
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
It would have gone better with coke.
# Posted on August 9th 2006 by Donough
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Ptarmigan,the "pengiun" in the brothel is a visual joke,so it probably wouldn't go down (no pun intended) well in print.
Apologies in advance for the following joke.
A man finds a pengiun wander down the street.He takes it to a policeman and asks what he should do with it.The policeman advises him to take it to the zoo.A few days later the policeman sees the man walking down the street with the pengiun.He stops the man.
"I thought I told you to take that pengiun to the zoo"
"Yes I did,and today we're going to the cinema"
How do pengiuns drink their whiskey?
On the rocks
# Posted on August 9th 2006 by dafydd
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and orders two pints. After ten pints, the giraffe collapses on the floor.
The barmen asks the man, "What's that lying there for?"
The man says, "it's not a lion . . . it's a giraffe."
I'll get my coat.
# Posted on August 9th 2006 by JerryH
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
A southerner wanders into a pub in rural Northumbria. A bunch of shepherds are sitting around playing dominos. He notices that one of their collies is also sat at the table and appears to be playing, too.
"I say, that must be an awfully smart dog to be playing dominos."
One of the shepherds looks up briefly and says "Eee, man, he's nothin' special. He's never won a game yet."
*****
It's the finals of the sheepdog trials somewhere near Wark. The leading contender is just herding the sheep into the trailer when a big silver flying saucer lands in the middle of the field and a bunch of penguins spill out and start gunning down innocent spectators with their ray guns. The dog takes his eyes off the sheep for a moment. The commentator says "Aye, his attention's wandered. This is costing him precious points."
# Posted on August 9th 2006 by kris
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."
This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him, and says to the (uncertain-looking) bartender "I'll have a Scotch and Soda." Then the crocodile says "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour." The (dumbfounded) bartender gasps "That's incredible; I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!" And the guy says "He can't; the chicken is a ventriloquist."
A man walks into his everyday bar with a box and orders a drink. The bartender sees that the man looks troubled, so he asks what's in the box. Instead of replying, the man takes out a small grand piano and a tiny stool, and on the stool is a miniature man about a foot tall who starts playing the miniature piano. The bartender asks, "Where did you get a thing like that?"
The man says, "I rubbed a lamp in the desert, and a genie popped out. The genie said he'd grant my heart's desire, but he was hard of hearing and thought I had asked him for a twelve-inch pianist."
OK - Enough's enough - it's time to 'Poke the Penguin':
http://humor.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://www5.gamesville.lycos.com/html%5Fpoke/poke%5Fpenguin.htm
# Posted on August 9th 2006 by Ptarmigan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
A gorilla walks into a pub. The bartender asks him what he wants. "A pint of Guinness, please.'"
He then puts a 10 pound note bill on the bar. The bartender takes the money and goes to pour the Guiness. He thinks to himself, 'Hey, he's a gorilla, he doesn't know about the prices of drinks.' and takes 25 pence back. He puts the drink and the money on the bar.
When the gorilla has finished his drink, a second bartender goes up to him and says. 'You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here.' 'Well, at £9.75 a pint, I'm not surprised.'
# Posted on August 9th 2006 by JerryH
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Or even...
http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf
Oh and hi, by the way - I'm the one that's been lurkin' in the corner for ages!
# Posted on August 9th 2006 by BrianR
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness are visiting with Muammar Gaddaffi to get some materiel and Gaddaffi calls one of his soldiers over and says to Gerry and Martin. "My soldiers are the bravest in the world". Prove it says Gerry. So Gaddaffi tells the young soldier to throw humself off the cliff. With a shout of Allah O Akbar the boy leaps off the 1000 ft cliff to a gory death on the rocks below. Well, says Gaddaffi, what do ye think of that?
Hmm, says Gerry, watch this. He turns to Martin and says "throw yerself off the cliff". "F*** Off" says Martin do ye think I'm mad? And Gerry turns to Gaddaffi and says " Brave, or what??!!"
# Posted on August 9th 2006 by breandan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Then there's the true story of mate of Mine Peter McKee with his mate Mickey when they were about 17 and heading off to their very first Fleadh.
No tents, no sleeping bags, no change of clothes. Just the thumbs to hitch to Kerry and enough cash to drink the weekend.
The sit in to their first session and proceed to get absolutely sh1t faced. Around three in the morning it's time to bed down for the night so they head out the road to find a suitable barn or suchlike. After walking for a while Peter has had enough and decides to kip under a hedge. Mickey spies a house being built in a nearby field and says to Peter he's going to head over there. Peter can go no further and falls asleep under the hedge.
The following morning he wakes suffering from a beezer of a hangover and unsure where he is and remembers Mickey heading over to the house. He makes his way there and finds Mickey lying on the footpath up to the house. He kicks him to wake him - time for the pub he says. Mickey struggles but cant get up. The concrete path had been laid that day and he was cemented into it!
Peter had to go borrow a pair of scissors to cut his hair and clothes to release him and they then headed off to the pub with torn trousers and bits of concrete stuck to his hair.
Now, that's what I call getting plastered!!!
True bill.
# Posted on August 9th 2006 by breandan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Not a joke, but there's penguin content:
http://www.indystar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060809/NEWS01/608090473/1006
# Posted on August 9th 2006 by GaryAMartin
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
COOL BrianR - Wonder if anyone can top my best score of - 277?
# Posted on August 9th 2006 by Ptarmigan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
BrianR - did you try your skill at 'Spaced Penguin' yet?
http://www.bigideafun.com/penguins/arcade/spaced_penguin/
# Posted on August 9th 2006 by Ptarmigan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Just completed the 25 Levels with that infernal 'Spaced Penguin' with a score of 108,012 - I could probably have learned a new Polka in the time it took me
# Posted on August 9th 2006 by Ptarmigan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Curse that spaced penguin! How am I ever going to get any work done now?
# Posted on August 9th 2006 by JerryH
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
I was enjoying a pre-session drink in a pub in Clonakilty a couple of days ago, and there was a group of guys at a table nearby. One of their mobile phones rang and seconds later the other guys in the group collapsed in helpless laughter.
It was the ringtone, of course. A squeaky Irish voice said "I'm a leprechaun 8 inches tall and hairy and looking for a woman ..." Sadly, I didn't hear the rest because the owner of the mobile answered the call at the crucial moment.
# Posted on August 9th 2006 by lazyhound
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Er, that would be the 'Penguin Polka' then, Ptarmigan?
http://www.christmasconcert.com/MusicPlayKindergarten.htm
(scroll down, it's under cd samples!!).
Now for that spaced-out penguin...
# Posted on August 9th 2006 by BrianR
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Thanks BrianR, that's another Polka for me to learn!
Here's another spaced-out Penguin dancing to another tune:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQmbgaPv3f8&search=penguins
# Posted on August 9th 2006 by Ptarmigan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Or, if you would prefer a dancing 'Ring-Tailed Lemur' check this out:
http://members.chello.nl/~s.karim1/
# Posted on August 9th 2006 by Ptarmigan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
After being away at sea for some time and presumed lost, an old sailor returned home. On the first night back, he walked into his old local with a red-haired, miniature man sitting on his shoulder. Stunned, the entire bar was instantly silenced.
"Frank!" the bartender cried.. "They wrote you off as a goner! Where've ya been... and who the hell's that on yer shoulder?"
"Long story," said Frank, "but a round for the house, on me! It's great to be back home!" So following the boisterous cheers of all present, the bartender set up the glasses and began pouring the first round, when the little man ran down the bar and kicked over the glasses, glass flying everywhere. Giggling hysterically, the mini-man then hopped back on Frank's shoulder. Totally shocked, near laughter himself and unsure of his response, the bartender uttered the first thing to come to his tongue: "Frank! You'll have pay for those!"
"No worry," said Frank, throwing money on the bar like confetti. "I've got plenty! So another round on me!" And once more after the bartender set up the glasses and poured the drinks, only to watch Frank's better half run down the bar and kick them over, cackling all the way and dancing a jig on top of their shattered remains. The bartender of course got angry, seeing twelve more of his good glasses kicked to the floor.
"Frank," he warned, shaking his finger and red with rage, "either get rid of that little red bastard or you'll have to leave my bar! I mean it! That's two dozen good glasses forgawdsake!" Throwing his money in the air again, Frank laughed, shook his head and agreed to leave the bar. But before getting out the door, an old friend stopped him and inquired as to the origin of his violently inconsiderate little friend.
"Aah," Frank said, "I was shipwrecked on this little island ya see, waaaay out there in the Indian Ocean now... and after some time, I chanced to encounter a *magical genie* who said he'd grant me three wishes.." The friend wrinkled up his nose and nodded his head slowly as Frank continued. "So I asked him for a million bucks! And sure, at first it was grand being rich. But with nowhere on the island to spend the money, I asked him for a ticket back here to New York, where I took the genie and laid up for some time thinking about my final wish...
His friend squinted his eyes, and with not just a little bit of suspicion asked, "Yeah, Frankie? So what was the final wish? What'd ya finally get???"
Frank chewed his lower lip for a second:
"A 12 inch pr*ck!"
# Posted on August 10th 2006 by gravelwalks
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
So, two whales, a male and a female, are swimming along in the ocean. They see a whaling ship sailing along and the male exclaims, "Oh, that's the ship that killed my father! We have to destroy it!"
His mate says, "And how do you propose to do that?"
He answers, "We'll dive under the ship and blow really hard through our blowholes and that will tear the ship apart.
The female thinks that's ridiculous.
"No, really," the male insists. "It will work!"
"Fine," she sighs.
And they dive under the ship and blow air through their blowholes and, lo and behold, the ship comes apart! All the sailors are floating about in the ocean, grasping onto wood and masts and whatever bits and pieces they can get a hold of.
The male whale says, "Well, this isn't cool. They're getting away. We have to eat them!"
The female replies, "Are you crazy? Their ship is destroyed and most will drown. And anyway, we eat krill. We have BALEEN!"
The male insists, "No no, we have to eat them."
The female answers, "Look pal. I agreed to the blow job, but I ain't swallowing no seamen."
T
# Posted on August 10th 2006 by TheSilverSpear
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Oh, and about those penguins.
Rough day at work? Try this website for your penguin whacking stress relief: http://www.ebaumsworld.com/penguinswing.html
And for those with a really twisted sense of humor (it's awful, but hilarious. Not recommended for the faint of heart):
http://www.funnypics.cc/media/penguin_bloody.php
Hours of procrastination and amusement.
# Posted on August 10th 2006 by TheSilverSpear
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Actually this one is about an ostrich....
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
# Posted on August 10th 2006 by mjct
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
A friend of mine across the road lost his arm in an industrial accident. Getting sick of the neighborhood kids always asking how he lost his arm and blowing them off, he finally hit on a solution. One day he gathered the neighborhood kids all together and told them they could only ask one question and they had to promise not to ask anymore about his arm. The obvious first question was: "Mr. Burk, how did you loose your arm" Mr. Burk again said he'd tell them but that was to be their last question. They agreed and before spinning on his heels and walking inside he said,
"It was bit off."
# Posted on August 13th 2006 by jrathbun
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Two weasels are sitting at a bar. One starts to insult the other. He screams: “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens for what the other weasel will say. The first again yells: “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!” The other says: “Go home dad, you’re drunk"
# Posted on August 14th 2006 by greenman
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Well...... Not a penguin but....
The landlord of a pub frequented by an extremely heavy drinker opened up one day, and in walked a pink elephant, a green rhinoceros, and several orange striped crocodiles.
"I'm sorry," said the publican, "I'm afraid he isn't in yet"
Or worse... ... ...
A man and a giraffe go into a bar and the man orders two pints - one for himself and one for the giraffe. They both drink up and the man orders two more, which they both drink. The man orders a third round and by now they are both rather worse for wear. After downing his third pint the man staggers off to the toilet and while he is there the giraffe collapses on the floor - drunk. The man comes out of the toilet and heads for the door to the pub. "Oy!" yells the landlord, "Are you goin' to leave that lyin' on the floor?" The man turns, focuses his eyes and slurrs, "Thash not a lion, thash a giraffe!"
<GROAN>
ps. I'm another who has been hiding out of sight - had to appear for this though!!!!
# Posted on August 25th 2006 by Harping McCartan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
Oh, forgot to say,
As to penguins in Irish music, what about Penguin/Puffin publications of some Iris music & info books?!?
# Posted on August 25th 2006 by Harping McCartan
Re: A penguin goes into a bar...
.........or what about Pingu and the musical band he set up!!!
# Posted on August 29th 2006 by Harping McCartan