This is the first time I have ever written a letter to a thing like this. At first I wasn't going to bother. But I am so bored and skiving off work I decided I had to.
Last Sunday after reading the News of the World, I was talking to a young lad in my alcoholics anonymous self-help group. It is a great privilege for me to be able to pass on the tradition. He asked me if I had ever heard of a tune, which he named. Bollox had I heard of it. As I have been playing this two months I was surprised. So I asked him where had he got it. On his computer he said. I was amazed, I can’t even log onto eBay. And is there much English music on the computer? And who on earth puts it there, I asked him. He told me there are people all over the world playing English music. And there are places where you can get tunes. As well as that there are places where people have discussions about the music occasionally, but usually about other things.
Now, I am an old geezer. I have been playing music nearly three months. I am proud I have been able to do some small part to keep alive our beautiful music. I have seen much sorrow in our native land which we have mostly ignored, but I never thought I would live so long to have this last indignity thrust upon us: That we have people who are not English, have never been to England a lot of them, playing our national music.
I tell you honestly. What you are doing is wrong and you must stop.
Now you may think that I am against people who are not English. That is not true. I see in England today a thing I thought I would never see. Many people coming from all over the world to live here. I am glad to see them, they can pay lots of taxes, and do the mundane jobs nobody really wants to do. There were millions of our own poor people who had to stay here too. They got rough treatment a lot of them, remember Thatcher? It is England's turn to be self-rightous and treat all people with the same degree of dirision.
No. That is not the reason why you must stop playing our music. The reason is that as you play it better than me, I'll be out of a job.
It is what it is: English music. It is the innermost monkeybubbles of our people handed down through the weeks. If you have not withstood the hammer blows of a Tory Government, followed by the hammer blows of a Labour Government, the music will mean nothing to you, as it does to me.
Not only that. The music is part of the country itself. Its mini-roundabouts and litter-strewn streets. The barking of English mongrels and groaning of slappers round the back of Tesco’s car park have shaped and formed it. As I say to my pupils when they cannot get the lilt right of a jig 'Picture in your mind's eye now children, the drunks weaving through the broken bottles and pavement pizzas of Manchester'. Because they are born with this and are driven in ecologically unfriendly SUVs to school each day through it they miss the point and play as badly as I do.
As well as that the music is only one viscose thread in the shabby shell suit that is our culture. You cannot play our music unless you have the beautiful English slang. It is obvious. The fact that I even have to discuss this with you, not in beautiful, rich, subtle English slang, but in this sub germanic doggerel of a language, er, English shows that you have no hope of ever playing English music.
I took some time on your 'site' as you call it to see what it is you talk about. Accompaniment? New instruments? Do you not even know that? There are five instruments in English music. Melodeon, and four others. Oh, and recorder. And I do not include the djembe. I do not care if it is traditional or not. It sounds well cool.
The player should know the name of the tune, in English, what it is in Irish is not important. He should have the history of the tune, the stories associated with it and its origination. Unless he has them he cannot play the tune. The instruments should be played on their own, one tune at a time, while blokes with beer bellies hop about shaking bells, sticks and hankies at each other. On a rare occasion when nobody knows the tune, is it permissible for instruments to play together and try to get away with it.
So there you have it. That is everything you need to know, so there is no more need of discussions. Shove that for a game of soldiers!
Aw pity, ye blew it John, when you said - "the name of the tune, in English, what it is in Irish is not important." Think about it, why in the mane of the wee man would an ENGLISH tune have an Irish name?
The thing is, we have to guess now, which of the regular jokers is John Bull. It's not me for sure - far too inspired and witty. My guess is that it's Ottery. He's a bliddy joker. And witty. Or maybe Dow - but he'll deny it. Or that Crossey fella. And is it the same person as Pilib? Who TF IS he/she?
What you need to do is ask John J who everyone reckons it was because it wasn't me because it couldn't have been because I weren't even anywhere near here when it appeared.
BTW, a very good reason occurred to me why the original Pilib's A Piece of my Mind is a hoax. If this young pupil of his goes on this website, he surely would have rallied to Pilib's defence by now. Otherwise he wouldn't be worth his salt as a student - no loyalty to his master, and that wouldn't seem likely.
So there you have it - hoax.
A slice of my mind
A slice of my mind
This is the first time I have ever written a letter to a thing like this. At first I wasn't going to bother. But I am so bored and skiving off work I decided I had to.
Last Sunday after reading the News of the World, I was talking to a young lad in my alcoholics anonymous self-help group. It is a great privilege for me to be able to pass on the tradition. He asked me if I had ever heard of a tune, which he named. Bollox had I heard of it. As I have been playing this two months I was surprised. So I asked him where had he got it. On his computer he said. I was amazed, I can’t even log onto eBay. And is there much English music on the computer? And who on earth puts it there, I asked him. He told me there are people all over the world playing English music. And there are places where you can get tunes. As well as that there are places where people have discussions about the music occasionally, but usually about other things.
Now, I am an old geezer. I have been playing music nearly three months. I am proud I have been able to do some small part to keep alive our beautiful music. I have seen much sorrow in our native land which we have mostly ignored, but I never thought I would live so long to have this last indignity thrust upon us: That we have people who are not English, have never been to England a lot of them, playing our national music.
I tell you honestly. What you are doing is wrong and you must stop.
Now you may think that I am against people who are not English. That is not true. I see in England today a thing I thought I would never see. Many people coming from all over the world to live here. I am glad to see them, they can pay lots of taxes, and do the mundane jobs nobody really wants to do. There were millions of our own poor people who had to stay here too. They got rough treatment a lot of them, remember Thatcher? It is England's turn to be self-rightous and treat all people with the same degree of dirision.
No. That is not the reason why you must stop playing our music. The reason is that as you play it better than me, I'll be out of a job.
It is what it is: English music. It is the innermost monkeybubbles of our people handed down through the weeks. If you have not withstood the hammer blows of a Tory Government, followed by the hammer blows of a Labour Government, the music will mean nothing to you, as it does to me.
Not only that. The music is part of the country itself. Its mini-roundabouts and litter-strewn streets. The barking of English mongrels and groaning of slappers round the back of Tesco’s car park have shaped and formed it. As I say to my pupils when they cannot get the lilt right of a jig 'Picture in your mind's eye now children, the drunks weaving through the broken bottles and pavement pizzas of Manchester'. Because they are born with this and are driven in ecologically unfriendly SUVs to school each day through it they miss the point and play as badly as I do.
As well as that the music is only one viscose thread in the shabby shell suit that is our culture. You cannot play our music unless you have the beautiful English slang. It is obvious. The fact that I even have to discuss this with you, not in beautiful, rich, subtle English slang, but in this sub germanic doggerel of a language, er, English shows that you have no hope of ever playing English music.
I took some time on your 'site' as you call it to see what it is you talk about. Accompaniment? New instruments? Do you not even know that? There are five instruments in English music. Melodeon, and four others. Oh, and recorder. And I do not include the djembe. I do not care if it is traditional or not. It sounds well cool.
The player should know the name of the tune, in English, what it is in Irish is not important. He should have the history of the tune, the stories associated with it and its origination. Unless he has them he cannot play the tune. The instruments should be played on their own, one tune at a time, while blokes with beer bellies hop about shaking bells, sticks and hankies at each other. On a rare occasion when nobody knows the tune, is it permissible for instruments to play together and try to get away with it.
So there you have it. That is everything you need to know, so there is no more need of discussions. Shove that for a game of soldiers!
# Posted on December 15th 2005 by Martin Milner
Re: A slice of my mind
Aw pity, ye blew it John, when you said - "the name of the tune, in English, what it is in Irish is not important." Think about it, why in the mane of the wee man would an ENGLISH tune have an Irish name?
Aye, it has been sussed as a load of 'Bull'!
Next..............
# Posted on December 15th 2005 by Ptarmigan
Re: A slice of my mind
name even..........
# Posted on December 15th 2005 by Ptarmigan
Re: A slice of my mind
Brilliant, "John".....thanks. I laughed till I nearly shat.
How do you do it?
Just change your email address then log on as a new member each time?
# Posted on December 15th 2005 by Rudall the time
Re: A slice of my mind
Pure poetry. It's inspired me. I'm off to write a tune, probably called "Mustn't Grumble". Or maybe I'll just have a nice cup of tea and a sit down.
# Posted on December 15th 2005 by Mark Harmer
Re: A slice of my mind
I like the Tesco's bit.
# Posted on December 15th 2005 by Hugo Chavez
Re: A slice of my mind
The thing is, we have to guess now, which of the regular jokers is John Bull. It's not me for sure - far too inspired and witty. My guess is that it's Ottery. He's a bliddy joker. And witty. Or maybe Dow - but he'll deny it. Or that Crossey fella. And is it the same person as Pilib? Who TF IS he/she?
# Posted on December 15th 2005 by Rudall the time
Re: A slice of my mind
What you need to do is ask John J who everyone reckons it was because it wasn't me because it couldn't have been because I weren't even anywhere near here when it appeared.
# Posted on December 15th 2005 by Dr. Dow
Re: A slice of my mind
Hello, it's Vicky Pollard impersonating Mark.
# Posted on December 15th 2005 by Rudall the time
Re: A slice of my mind
RAOTFFLMAO
Inspired and very accurate.
Substitute Reading for Manchester and even more apposite.
Cheers whoever.
# Posted on December 15th 2005 by Geoff Pollitt
Re: A slice of my mind
As someone who lives in Reading, I totally agree
# Posted on December 15th 2005 by Tarrantella
Re: A slice of my mind
Well, *I'm* TOTALLY offended. Uh, wait...I mean provoked. Yeah, that's it, *provoked*.
Is there such a thing as an English Water Spaniel?
# Posted on December 15th 2005 by Zina Lee
Re: A slice of my mind
Tarrantella I'm sure we must have met at some stage. Have we?
BTW I think John Bull is Showaddy.
The Manchester reference is a clue ......but PP also lives there.
Hmmmmmm!
# Posted on December 15th 2005 by Geoff Pollitt
Re: A slice of my mind
A Cockney Spaniel?
# Posted on December 15th 2005 by Rudall the time
Re: A slice of my mind
Yep, Could be Dave. He's a bit of a wag on the sly.
# Posted on December 15th 2005 by Rudall the time
Re: A slice of my mind
Owww, Danny! LOL
# Posted on December 15th 2005 by Zina Lee
Re: Kiss My Pants
...one of my favorite bands. Oh, wrong thread. Apologies.
# Posted on December 15th 2005 by TiiiM
Re: A slice of my mind
Sounds like wrong website as well.
BTW, a very good reason occurred to me why the original Pilib's A Piece of my Mind is a hoax. If this young pupil of his goes on this website, he surely would have rallied to Pilib's defence by now. Otherwise he wouldn't be worth his salt as a student - no loyalty to his master, and that wouldn't seem likely.
So there you have it - hoax.
But by whom?
# Posted on December 15th 2005 by Rudall the time
Re: A slice of my mind
Hey Zina - it says in your bio you don't talk as much as Dow does. Yeah, right.
So he must be one of 3 things:
Bipolar
Williams Syndrome
ADHD
But somehow I think you're just being "modest".
:-]
# Posted on December 15th 2005 by Rudall the time
Re: A slice of my mind
Absolutely!
It's a good thing now altogether to see that there is someone else who understands what this is all about.
Good Man now. Fair play to you
# Posted on December 15th 2005 by Pilib O'Conchubhair