A neutron walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender pours him a pint, he drinks it, and asks how much he owes. The bartender says, "No charge!"
There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.
How many computer geeks does it take to change a light bulb?
....lemme see.... Bill Gates, plus one to search the help file, plus
another to do a google search for the lumens required to fully illuminate an occupied space with a volume of a^2*H/(desired intensity)log[floor area] X ln[wall area]sinA + 2 tan B - cos^2 C.
(note: if you found any of the above funny, you may be a computer geek!)
No list of C.G. jokes is complete without a few cheap shots at Micro$oft:
Some guy and a pilot are flying in a helicopter when suddenly they get blinded by an incredibly dense fog. Their situation is pretty desperate, until they see they're flying very close to an office building. The helicopter pilot quickly puts up a sign asking "WHERE ARE WE?". Inside the building, some guy scribbles another sign with the answer: "YOU'RE IN A HELICOPTER."
With this piece of information, the pilot was able to turn the 'copter around and land perfectly. The passenger was very impressed with the pilot's ability and asked him how he was able to figure out their position. The pilot answered: "It's simple. That man gave me an answer that was scientifically correct but so completely useless, that I knew the office building we saw must have been Microsoft's documentation division!"
I'd love to program my computer to play "Smash the Windows" when it gives me that "This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down" message. I bet some of you computer geeks could figure out how to do that.
Smash the Windows 98 and other computer-age trad tunes
Zina: It's Windows 98. Could you really make it play "Smash the Windows"?
Searai: You're right; it is a feature. It's a day-predictor. When my computer gives me that "illegal operation" message immediately after I start it up (without even opening any file or program!), I know it's going to be one of THOSE days, and that if I had any sense I'd just go straight back home and play tunes all day.
Okay, Sarah, either choose and edit down the Smash the Windows of your choice into a small wav file, or download http://www.zinalee.com/sounds/smash.wav . (It's not very good, I did it in a hurry for you.) Save the wav file into your Windows/Media file on your main drive.
Now, open your control panel under Settings. Choose Sounds/Multimedia. Choose/click on the sound event you want to choose the wav file for. Under this window, find the Browse button and click on it. Now choose the Smash.wav file. To test it, click on the name of the event, and then find the little arrow between the Name text field and the Browse button and click on it.
I wouldn't do this with too many of your events. You want as small a file as you can on events.
Thanks, Zina! You're amazing! I think I got it set up. When I preview the sound for "program error", I get "Smash the Windows" This will make me more likely to chuckle instead of swear the next time my computer crashes.
My only problem is that in order to hear it I have to have the volume turned all the way up. I switched my mail message sound from the default (I think it was called "notify") to something quieter, because that's the one sound that occurs frequently, and it's really loud. Now I just have my computer volume control set at the max, so I should be able to hear it.
Well, you can try using a louder file -- that one was fairly quiet because I didn't know how loud you usually keep your system turned up.
I'm not a computer geek. I am a pseudo-geek. I don't program. I didn't get Searai's joke. *grin* I haven't showed it to my husband yet because he WILL get it, and I'm afraid he'll explain it to me. That would be a little too much closer to "getting" it than I'm quite comfortable with. *snicker*
I LOVED the Christmas/Halloween joke! (I liked the "10 kinds of people" binary joke too.) I shared it with my husband, who also loved it. [Geeks should marry other geeks; then you'll enjoy the same jokes]. Our 11-year-old has learned about bases in school and understood the joke with a little help. I didn't try to explain it to the 7-year-old yet.
I don't know how to make a louder file -- I've never made a wav file. Actually the problem might not be that particular file: anything I play on the "Windows Media Player" seems to require full volume in order to be audible. I noticed when previewing the default sounds in the setting that some were quite soft, and others were very loud by comparison. I'm a math geek, not a computer geek. I know a moderate amount of theoretical stuff about computers, but very little practical stuff, like what really controls the sound levels in this Windows 98 system.
Damn. My husband's father explained Searai's joke to me. I actually could have gotten it, but didn't spot the DEC and OCT clues -- what can I say, I've been busy! *grin*
Tell you what, Sarah, later tonight I'll make a louder wav file for you, so you can turn your comp back down. I'll just replace the file, so use the same link above. I have to eat dinner first, though, I'm starved. Really worked myself out in class tonight -- I usually have a half hour break, but tonight I went into the other studio and worked a new slip jig for the whole half hour, and am I going to feel that tomorrow...
Okay, Sarah, it's up...and if it's still not loud enough, you might want to go into your Windows volume panel and turn up the playback option marked "wave" rather than turning up the master volume. In fact, you can even try that first, although the new Smash wav file is a little better as I actually took the time to start learning the tune before playing it this time. You can find the volume panel by going to Start/Programs/Accessories/Entertainment/Volume, usually. Check out the other volume levels at the same time, it may explain why your Media Player is mysteriously lower than eveyrthing else.
By the way, Windows ME has all sorts of interactive lessons on how to work sound and such on your computer under Help on your Start menu, that hardly anyone ever looks at and are actually quite helpful. Some of them are aeven fun to go through, even for geeks, because it's fun to figure out how they did some of them.
Urrgh. I just realized that I'm doing it again. I guess once you've been a trainer it just doesn't stop.
Zina, thanks again! The new file is louder so I turned the master volume back down. I do get a kick out of this. I put the smash sound file as my Exit Windows sound, too, so I get to hear it at the end of the work day when I turn my computer off. Please leave the sound file up for a few days -- this weekend I'll put it on my home computer, too. AND I bet there are lots of others lurking out there in cyberspace who want to hear Zina playing "Smash the Windows" the next time their computer crashes, so give them a chance to download it, too.
As for the Windows Media Player volume, no luck. When I go to the volume panel, there are controls (L-R speaker balance and volume) for: Master volume, MIDI, All Waves, CD, Line In, and Aux. No mention of Windows Media player. When I open up the Windows Media Player I use it with the volume set to the maximum, and it's still fairly quiet.
I'm going to be in Estes Park, Colorado, for a big family reunion the first week of August. I wish I could sneak away and visit your Small Circle session on Aug. 4, see & hear how it works, and meet you and Dirk in person. I'm starting to work on learning tunes by ear, and I have a long way to go before it's as easy as reading the music. I recently vowed to learn one new tune a week by ear. I'm hoping that by this time next year, I'll be able to look back and see that it is getting easier.
Sarah, on the SCTLS site, there's a page devoted to nothing but the mechanics of learning by ear. If you haven't visited them, they might give you a few hints. It takes a while, but the rewards are great, so keep at it!
Estes isn't too far from Longmont, maybe half an hour or forty five minutes. C'mon down! If worst comes to worst, perhaps I'll come up to visit you in Estes, though -- I love an excuse to get up there, and it's only about an hour from my house.
Don't fiddle with the anykey? Dunno but here is an xtra geeky one:
The functions were partying at a local bar and the bartender was getting a bit tired of the fun so he threatened diffrentiate them all if they didn't leave the bar. All of the functions ran out but one and the bartender asked why it didn't flee as the other ones. It answered: well.. I'm e^x.
If you get this you are real geeks (like me ),
Magga
Computer Geek Jokes
Computer Geek Jokes
A neutron walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender pours him a pint, he drinks it, and asks how much he owes. The bartender says, "No charge!"
There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.
# Posted on June 18th 2002 by Zina Lee
Re: Computer Geek Jokes
There are 2 kinds of people in the world: those who believe that there are 2 kinds of people in the world and those who don't.
Here's an excellent source of classic geek jokes:
http://www.fsf.org/fun/humor.html
# Posted on June 18th 2002 by glauber
Re: Computer Geek Jokes
ah, and there are five types of people in the world... those who can count... and those who can't...
. . . . .
# Posted on June 18th 2002 by no longer exists
Re: Computer Geek Jokes
A computer geek walks into a bar, ....and breaks his nose!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Computer Geek...
(.....silence......)
How many computer geeks does it take to change a light bulb?
....lemme see.... Bill Gates, plus one to search the help file, plus
another to do a google search for the lumens required to fully illuminate an occupied space with a volume of a^2*H/(desired intensity)log[floor area] X ln[wall area]sinA + 2 tan B - cos^2 C.
(note: if you found any of the above funny, you may be a computer geek!)
# Posted on June 18th 2002 by scottythefiddler
Re: Computer Geek Jokes
How can you tell if a computer geek is an extrovert?
-- They stare at your shoes when you talk instead of their own.
# Posted on June 19th 2002 by dirk
Re: Computer Geek Jokes
No list of C.G. jokes is complete without a few cheap shots at Micro$oft:
Some guy and a pilot are flying in a helicopter when suddenly they get blinded by an incredibly dense fog. Their situation is pretty desperate, until they see they're flying very close to an office building. The helicopter pilot quickly puts up a sign asking "WHERE ARE WE?". Inside the building, some guy scribbles another sign with the answer: "YOU'RE IN A HELICOPTER."
With this piece of information, the pilot was able to turn the 'copter around and land perfectly. The passenger was very impressed with the pilot's ability and asked him how he was able to figure out their position. The pilot answered: "It's simple. That man gave me an answer that was scientifically correct but so completely useless, that I knew the office building we saw must have been Microsoft's documentation division!"
# Posted on June 19th 2002 by glauber
Microsoft
I'd love to program my computer to play "Smash the Windows" when it gives me that "This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down" message. I bet some of you computer geeks could figure out how to do that.
Sarah
# Posted on June 19th 2002 by x
Re: Computer Geek Jokes
Saddly I get this one...
Why do computer geeks confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because DEC 25=OCT 31.
HA HA HA....
# Posted on June 19th 2002 by searai
Re: Computer Geek Jokes
Yowza!
# Posted on June 19th 2002 by glauber
Re: Computer Geek Jokes
Sarah, what's your OS?
Zina
# Posted on June 19th 2002 by Zina Lee
Re: Computer Geek Jokes
Sarah...
that's not a bug. It's a feature.
# Posted on June 19th 2002 by searai
Smash the Windows 98 and other computer-age trad tunes
Zina: It's Windows 98. Could you really make it play "Smash the Windows"?
Searai: You're right; it is a feature. It's a day-predictor. When my computer gives me that "illegal operation" message immediately after I start it up (without even opening any file or program!), I know it's going to be one of THOSE days, and that if I had any sense I'd just go straight back home and play tunes all day.
Check out the tune titles at:
http://members.aol.com/kitchiegal/humor.html
"Swinging on Bill Gates" also fits in with this thread. The joke "Over the Waterfall" is good, too.
Sarah
# Posted on June 19th 2002 by x
Re: Computer Geek Jokes
Okay, Sarah, either choose and edit down the Smash the Windows of your choice into a small wav file, or download http://www.zinalee.com/sounds/smash.wav . (It's not very good, I did it in a hurry for you.) Save the wav file into your Windows/Media file on your main drive.
Now, open your control panel under Settings. Choose Sounds/Multimedia. Choose/click on the sound event you want to choose the wav file for. Under this window, find the Browse button and click on it. Now choose the Smash.wav file. To test it, click on the name of the event, and then find the little arrow between the Name text field and the Browse button and click on it.
I wouldn't do this with too many of your events. You want as small a file as you can on events.
Zina
# Posted on June 19th 2002 by Zina Lee
Oh...Sarah
The event you want to choose for a program crash is "program error," I think.
Zina
# Posted on June 19th 2002 by Zina Lee
Thanks, Zina!
Thanks, Zina! You're amazing! I think I got it set up. When I preview the sound for "program error", I get "Smash the Windows" This will make me more likely to chuckle instead of swear the next time my computer crashes.
My only problem is that in order to hear it I have to have the volume turned all the way up. I switched my mail message sound from the default (I think it was called "notify") to something quieter, because that's the one sound that occurs frequently, and it's really loud. Now I just have my computer volume control set at the max, so I should be able to hear it.
Sarah
# Posted on June 20th 2002 by x
Re: Computer Geek Jokes
How can you tell if a computer Geek is also an Irish Music officianado?
They set their "program crash" pc sound to "Smash the Windows"
I was so disappointed when I understood the Dec/Oct joke. I ran some quick number crunches in my head.
Cheers
# Posted on June 20th 2002 by Mark Cordova
Re: Computer Geek Jokes
sorry about that
# Posted on June 20th 2002 by searai
Re: Computer Geek Jokes
Well, you can try using a louder file -- that one was fairly quiet because I didn't know how loud you usually keep your system turned up.
I'm not a computer geek. I am a pseudo-geek. I don't program. I didn't get Searai's joke. *grin* I haven't showed it to my husband yet because he WILL get it, and I'm afraid he'll explain it to me. That would be a little too much closer to "getting" it than I'm quite comfortable with. *snicker*
zls
# Posted on June 20th 2002 by Zina Lee
Embrace your geekiness
I LOVED the Christmas/Halloween joke! (I liked the "10 kinds of people" binary joke too.) I shared it with my husband, who also loved it. [Geeks should marry other geeks; then you'll enjoy the same jokes]. Our 11-year-old has learned about bases in school and understood the joke with a little help. I didn't try to explain it to the 7-year-old yet.
I don't know how to make a louder file -- I've never made a wav file. Actually the problem might not be that particular file: anything I play on the "Windows Media Player" seems to require full volume in order to be audible. I noticed when previewing the default sounds in the setting that some were quite soft, and others were very loud by comparison. I'm a math geek, not a computer geek. I know a moderate amount of theoretical stuff about computers, but very little practical stuff, like what really controls the sound levels in this Windows 98 system.
Sarah
# Posted on June 20th 2002 by x
Re: Computer Geek Jokes
Damn. My husband's father explained Searai's joke to me. I actually could have gotten it, but didn't spot the DEC and OCT clues -- what can I say, I've been busy! *grin*
I'll just replace the file, so use the same link above. I have to eat dinner first, though, I'm starved. Really worked myself out in class tonight -- I usually have a half hour break, but tonight I went into the other studio and worked a new slip jig for the whole half hour, and am I going to feel that tomorrow...
Tell you what, Sarah, later tonight I'll make a louder wav file for you, so you can turn your comp back down.
zls
# Posted on June 20th 2002 by Zina Lee
Re: Computer Geek Jokes
Okay, Sarah, it's up...and if it's still not loud enough, you might want to go into your Windows volume panel and turn up the playback option marked "wave" rather than turning up the master volume. In fact, you can even try that first, although the new Smash wav file is a little better as I actually took the time to start learning the tune before playing it this time.
You can find the volume panel by going to Start/Programs/Accessories/Entertainment/Volume, usually. Check out the other volume levels at the same time, it may explain why your Media Player is mysteriously lower than eveyrthing else.
By the way, Windows ME has all sorts of interactive lessons on how to work sound and such on your computer under Help on your Start menu, that hardly anyone ever looks at and are actually quite helpful. Some of them are aeven fun to go through, even for geeks, because it's fun to figure out how they did some of them.
Urrgh. I just realized that I'm doing it again. I guess once you've been a trainer it just doesn't stop.
Zina
# Posted on June 20th 2002 by Zina Lee
Re: Computer Geek Jokes
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 789.
giggle.
# Posted on June 20th 2002 by dirk
Re: Computer Geek Jokes
You. Listen. To. Your. Kids. Too. Much. *grin*
zls
# Posted on June 20th 2002 by Zina Lee
Re: Computer Geek Jokes
For visual jokes: http://rita.thegourmet.com/computers.html -- my geek husband likes the "hidden settings" joke the best.
zls
# Posted on June 21st 2002 by Zina Lee
Not really a computer geek joke...
but funny anyways.
http://www.digital-laughter.com/blonde.htm
hahaha.....
# Posted on June 21st 2002 by no longer exists
Loud and clear
Zina, thanks again! The new file is louder so I turned the master volume back down. I do get a kick out of this. I put the smash sound file as my Exit Windows sound, too, so I get to hear it at the end of the work day when I turn my computer off. Please leave the sound file up for a few days -- this weekend I'll put it on my home computer, too. AND I bet there are lots of others lurking out there in cyberspace who want to hear Zina playing "Smash the Windows" the next time their computer crashes, so give them a chance to download it, too.
As for the Windows Media Player volume, no luck. When I go to the volume panel, there are controls (L-R speaker balance and volume) for: Master volume, MIDI, All Waves, CD, Line In, and Aux. No mention of Windows Media player. When I open up the Windows Media Player I use it with the volume set to the maximum, and it's still fairly quiet.
I'm going to be in Estes Park, Colorado, for a big family reunion the first week of August. I wish I could sneak away and visit your Small Circle session on Aug. 4, see & hear how it works, and meet you and Dirk in person. I'm starting to work on learning tunes by ear, and I have a long way to go before it's as easy as reading the music. I recently vowed to learn one new tune a week by ear. I'm hoping that by this time next year, I'll be able to look back and see that it is getting easier.
Thanks again!
Sarah
# Posted on June 21st 2002 by x
Smashem
Zina, this is brilliant, and loud enought to qualify as noise in Hamilton, Ontario!
# Posted on June 21st 2002 by glauber
How about music jokes by a computer geek?
I found this page that has jokes for any kind of instrument you can think of:
http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/
# Posted on June 21st 2002 by glauber
Re: Learning by Ear
Sarah, on the SCTLS site, there's a page devoted to nothing but the mechanics of learning by ear. If you haven't visited them, they might give you a few hints. It takes a while, but the rewards are great, so keep at it!
Estes isn't too far from Longmont, maybe half an hour or forty five minutes. C'mon down! If worst comes to worst, perhaps I'll come up to visit you in Estes, though -- I love an excuse to get up there, and it's only about an hour from my house.
Zina
# Posted on June 22nd 2002 by Zina Lee
Re: Computer Geek Jokes
What did the computer geek say to the Irish fiddler?
# Posted on June 23rd 2002 by The Whistler
Re: Computer Geek Jokes
Don't fiddle with the anykey? Dunno but here is an xtra geeky one:
),
The functions were partying at a local bar and the bartender was getting a bit tired of the fun so he threatened diffrentiate them all if they didn't leave the bar. All of the functions ran out but one and the bartender asked why it didn't flee as the other ones. It answered: well.. I'm e^x.
If you get this you are real geeks (like me
Magga
# Posted on June 24th 2002 by magga
Re: Computer Geek Jokes
Now, you just try to integrate x^x
Trevor
# Posted on September 26th 2003 by Trevor Jennings